A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm married seven yr old, I never had sex before marriage and I expected my wife also must be virgin and I believed always she was virgin as she said/says but after 8yrs now she said everything about her past, now i understand that she had 2 boy friends whom she left for some reason and she was abused before maturity by many but now she still says 'she was/is virgin but I m not believing her, now question is can I believe her? I don't have any problem if she had sex or not but I have problem trust/not to trust can u pl help
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female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 SHe was abused before maturity, in that connotation do you mean sexually abused or physically?
It took your wife eight years to finally tell you the truth about her past and yet she still maintains that she is a virgin. IF she told you that she had past boyfriends and she came clean with all of that, why would she lie to you about being a virgin?
I don't understand why you are having an issue with her past when you are her future. Did she say that she wasn't a virgin? No. She still says she was a virgin. So I would believe her. She hasn't given you any reason to not trust her. Perhaps she thought you would think less of her if you knew she had two boyfriends before you.
A
female
reader, Weeble  +, writes (16 December 2010):
Sit down and talk with her, gently and patiently. Ask her the full story of her background and about what happened with the abuse / past boyfriends. Reassure her that you love her and will support her whatever the truth is,.
Then decide: believe what she says or don't believe her.
It is possible to have boyfriends and not have sex. It is possible to be sexually abused yet not have experienced penetrative sexual intercourse. She may have been a virgin but was touched around her private parts. Only she can tell you what happened. It may be very painful for her to relive the abuse and she may wish to forget it, leaving it in the past where it belongs.
But ask yourself this: why is it important that you know one way or another? You married your wife for your future together, not for her past. If you love each other and you have a happy marriage together, does the past matter?
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A
female
reader, priyanka92 +, writes (16 December 2010):
 i honestly think that you should tell her that unless she is fully truthful to you you cannot trust her and this will eventually create a distance between you two...ask her to come clean with everything and once she does so..accept her.. but refrain from discussing this ever again with her as it can be quite embarrassing for her too
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): You have to believe what she says, since she trusts you she has taken the courage to tell you this and you should respect that.
If she wished she could have kept quite but because her love and trust she have the confidence to approach you, keep it that way and get on with life
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (16 December 2010):
You’re saying you were married for 7 years with no problems and on the 8th year she decided to reveal her past to you. You lost trust in someone that it took her so many years for her to build confidence in you to tell at all.You ask her in the beginning if she was a virgin and she lied is what you’re having a problem with. I always ask upfront as well so I know what I am getting into; at no point would I consider any woman losing her virginity to a rapist or pedophile. I would have caution her about even telling me or finishing the story. I am not a therapist so I would act as one; I know as a man you’re not holding an abuse woman as someone who was willing to take part in promiscuous relations. It doesn’t compare, what was done to her is shameful and you’re okaying her attacker once again. Why is it bothering you of her past after so many years?I don’t see the trust being lost here, but what I do see is someone that is so centered that he compares:“she was abused before maturity” forced sex to some of age that consented. I think she should have the problem with trust. Go apologize to your wife and when she as why, tell her you often forget how to appreciate her and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): You can only believe her, or you cannot. It cannot be helped. Does love have very much to do with trust, do you think? Do they go hand- in- hand? Oughtn't they?
If she was sexually abused in her life, it is possible that she either has unknowingly mentally blocked it from all memory, as sufferers of the like are shown to do as a way of coping, or perhaps she does remember, yet still considers herself virginal because she was an innocent child who did not bring any sexual act upon herself. If the abuse did occur or if she remembers witnessing any element of it in her household, it is possible that it planted in her a certain fear of men/relationships/etc. and avoidant or very cautious behaviour towards the like up until her first experience with such, which may have helped to eaae the wariness. Another possibility, if I may get a bit more quacky, has to do with people re-living past traumas... a traumatic event has the ability to freeze one in time, if you will, and impede normal social development past the age of the trauma.. perhaps she feels still a child in her mind... perhaps she likes to think of herself in that way to justify her late virginity.
It is also, of course, possible that she has not been insisting on the actual truth. Is your marriage an otherwise happy one? Does it suffer many conflicts besides the one you relate? If not, you might do well to let certain bones go, so as to not plant some seed of destruction in your relationship. Do you want to have married a virgin or do you want you marriage to last?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Trust her.
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