A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a little bit of a long story. My boyfriend used to be in a band, and is still in contact with a girl who was really into them. She lives really really far away, and only knew about them because a band member was planning on moving away to where she lives. Before he did, she flew all the way over here to come to one of their shows but then basically throw herself at this band member, who turned her down. This was all before I met my boyfriend, and the band broke up because this band member then moved away. Shortly after I met my boyfriend (whilst I was still with someone) at college, I heard him talking about this girl to a friend about how crazy the other boy had been to turn her down, to this day i don't know if he knows I heard him, but not even thinking we would ever get involved I forgot all about it. So when we did get together, I was aware they were contacting each other still and he told me the whole story about when she came over, and they would send eachother things in the post. I tried not to let what I'd heard affect my judgement of the situation cos I had no other reason to think they were anything other than friends, and he could have just been acting big in front of his friend when he said it. But then after drinking one night his brother (who I must add loves to stir things) made a comment to me about her sending my boyfriend naked pictures over social media. I said nothing that night as I didn't think it would be wise since we'd been drinking and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt anyway considering the way his brother is. But then I thought more and more about it, and why would his own brother say that? So I confronted him and he reassured me there was nothing in it and they really were just friends. Ever since though something just doesn't sit right with me. She came over to watch a show (the band were back together for a while) and I met her. This night she slept with a different band member. I tried to be friendly and we followed each other on social media. She would be friendly and comment on my posts and stuff, and I know these are tiny stupid things and I try to tell myself that it's me he sits with every night, and me who he's planning his life with, we've been talking about living together for a long time just don't have the money! but if I would ever comment on his stuff he would ignore me but always reply to her? It bugged me and I made a comment about this, and he reassured me again. But then I started to notice him being a little funny with his phone. I knew they snapchatted often, not that I would be always looking at his phone but everyone glances over its not really an issue. But he would never open the snapchats from her in front of me, and he never ever mentioned her considering how often they were in contact. I tried to trust him though, I asked a male friend for advice and he said that honestly he would probably do the same thing in his situation, he probably thinks it would bother me. But what bothered me was trying to hide stuff, surely there must be something to hide? I never thought he'd ever actually physically cheated on me with anyone but there must be something off about their relationship, the fact that he likes her or she likes him and in my eyes the intention is enough.I had sort of let it go and decided to trust him, and one night totally innocently went on his phone. We'd been drinking and I went on there to change his wallpaper of me pulling a stupid face. But when I opened it she came up as one of the recent contact bubbles on his iPhone, and i just had this feeling. I'm not one to go snooping through his phone, but that night I read their texts and he'd sent her something in the post, but specifically asked her not to post anything on social media so that I didn't find out. I really didn't appreciate the way she responded to this either, something along the lines of "girls just hate me everywhere I go for no reason I don't know why" When I confronted him about this he tried to reassure me again that there is nothing between them and he just didn't want to upset me... but he will always have been deliberately dishonest with me no matter how innocent what he actually sent her was and my view of our relationship has changed. He's still weird with his phone. I'd love for her to just go away but I can't prove anything. Female friends have agreed with my side but my male friend says to give him the benefit of the doubt. I just want completely unbiased opinions. Am I just being crazy? I have to add to be fair that I do suffer quite often from anxiety to the point where ive been on medication in the past, so I always try and give myself time and rationalise things before I say anything. It's hard to tell because this has driven my anxiety wild to the point where im worried I have the beginnings of an eating disorder, I'm so desperate to look better and feel content that he would never even look anywhere else.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 January 2017):
 Take her out of the equation for a minute.
DO you trust him OR not?
If you do, presume he knows what is appropriate behavior. And if you doubt a little, sit him down and talk boundaries. Ask him straight up if he would be OK with you talking to a guy like he is talking to her.
If you don't trust him, this girl is not really the reason. HIS choices and actions are. And that will not change no matter what. If he isn't talking to THIS girl, he might talk to another or 10 others. And IF you don't trust him, I suggest you end it before you make yourself ill trying to BE someone you are not, AKA the "perfect GF" that no guy would hurt or cheat on....
So decide, DO I trust him or not.
Don't tell yourself - " I should trust him" or "I should not care"... HAS he given you a reason NOT to trust him? Because if he has it spills over other things, not just this one girl.
As for the girl, well no other female like her because SHE doesn't have boundaries. She is a "star-fu..er" or basic groupie. My guess is there really ISN'T anything going on from your BF's side - that is why she slept with a second band member. She doesn't really seem to care WHO she sleeps with as long as he is in that band.
Like I said, this really isn't about that girl, it's about HIS behavior.
If dating him has made YOU feel more and more anxious to a point where you don't feel in control, then the relationship IS NOT healthy for you. No matter how lovely he is.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (22 January 2017):
 He should definitely be prioritising you if the relationship's so serious you're thinking about living together... That means hearing your concerns and not CARRYING on SECRETLY messaging her when he knows how it makes you feel... Given that he knows your anxious... 2 major red flags1. Its not like she's a close friend and should take precedence over you... In a way this is happening because he's not respecing you enough to care about your concerns. Its not like she's a close friend you've gorbid him not to see....2. The SECRECY. This us the biggest problem. If he feels he needs to hide something from you - he feels on some level he's doing something wrong.... Screw upsetting you that's a lineHe's being disrespectful, dismissive and secretive. That's
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