A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a 16 year old who I am now so ashamed off. He has really gone off the rails. I have been a single mum for many years and my current partner stepped into his life when he was about 6 yet he does not appreciate or respect him and keeps saying he is not his dad.He is constantly mixing with people who are not a good influence, involved with the police for burlary, robbery, he has attacted me twice, not too bad. I have placed him in voluntary care. He begged to come home. Tells me over and over that he only wanted to come back to the area.He is currently excluided from school, due to do his GCSE's. Has work to do but would rather sleep alday and out all evening.I am a professional teacher on a career break at the moment. I self referred my family to social services but they have not really been much help.I am at my wits end as I really do not know what to do. Luckly my relationship with my youngest father has spanned over 27 years so we are quite solid and he has been a tower of strength. worry that something bad is going to happen to my son. I dinot want him in the house any more. Is that the answer though? He already resents me for placing him in voluntary care.I have now blocked his phone and about to place the key in the door to avoid him entering so that I can see what time he comes in. I have hidden his best trainers and plan to hide his other pair to make going out harder.Any advice welcomed. He was not a 5 C's and above boy but still had a lot of potential.. He live in our own home down a nice street but he finds the scum of the earth to hang out with and has now become one.I was quite strict as a mother and took no nonsense when they were younger and then an incident happened where I injured by older son my accident and self referred to social services - i nearly lost my teaching job.I spoke to his bilogical father to day who is clearly not interested in helping. Hew is out of work yet could not arrange to pop round to see him. Insted decided to hang up the phone on me. I have tried to maintain communication with him but he just does not do anything as he cant have me. Really sick honestly.Any comments appreciated.Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): I myself am a single mother and have successfuly brought up 5 children who accepted their now step father but it did not mean they approved of him,but nearly half teenage children act up wether the parents are biological or not it is part of growing up and fitting in so odds do not put blame on single mothers when they fail with their child
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your very in-depth response Odds. You have made some very useful comments that have left me thinking. I wish there was a way that parents can be prepared for teenagers as I di not think any course can prepare you. I have not been the perfect mother. I tried really hard.
I have always worked hard and never took anything off the Government. When the kids were under 5 I achieved my degree and qualified as a teacher. I later went on and bought two houses as a single parent!). So its not like we are financially stuck.
My older children's biological father is someone I knew for many years prior to having children with him. That is probably why we still have some kind of closeness. He hurt the children and I a lot when they were younger by two timing me and having kids for another women while with me. We split up for at least 4 years before I rekindled my relationship with my youngest father for whom I have now know for 27 years.
Reflecting on what you have said, I agree totally with my son's attitute towards the step parent. I'm not totally happy as we are not living together or talking about marriage. He wants a father. He would often come out with remarks about how much he likes and respects his dad and places his dad on a pedestal. He annoyed me somewhat as all I could think off was the hurt he had caused us and the way I struggled with the kids when they were younger.
I must admit I do not always handled things in the correct way and need to reflect more on what I do before I do or say them.
I have drafted up an agreement in relation to my expectations from my son and what he is to except from me and we will see if we can come to an agreement that we both agree with.
Thanks again for your time you have been great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your very in-depth response Odds. You have made some very useful comments that have left me thinking. I wish there was a way that parents can be prepared for teenagers as I di not think any course can prepare you. I have not been the perfect mother. I tried really hard.
I have always worked hard and never took anything off the Government. When the kids were under 5 I achieved my degree and qualified as a teacher. I later went on and bought two houses as a single parent!). So its not like we are financially stuck.
My older children's biological father is someone I knew for many years prior to having children with him. That is probably why we still have some kind of closeness. He hurt the children and I a lot when they were younger by two timing me and having kids for another women while with me. We split up for at least 4 years before I rekindled my relationship with my youngest father for whom I have now know for 27 years.
Reflecting on what you have said, I agree totally with my son's attitute towards the step parent. I'm not totally happy as we are not living together or talking about marriage. He wants a father. He would often come out with remarks about how much he likes and respects his dad and places his dad on a pedestal. He annoyed me somewhat as all I could think off was the hurt he had caused us and the way I struggled with the kids when they were younger.
I must admit I do not always handled things in the correct way and need to reflect more on what I do before I do or say them.
I have drafted up an agreement in relation to my expectations from my son and what he is to except from me and we will see if we can come to an agreement that we both agree with.
Thanks again for your time you have been great.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (24 March 2011):
 Children of single mothers are significantly more likely to act act. This is a relatively extreme case, but it's one of the risks people take when becoming single parents, by choice or otherwise. In particular, a lot of kids have a very hard time accepting a step-parent - and a much harder time accepting Mom's boyfriend (you didn't say you had married the new guy, so I assumed you hadn't; if that is incorrect, I apologize).
What I'm seeing here is that your relationship with your son has become adversarial, rather than matriarchal. He is not seeing you as a mother (to be obeyed or ignored, loved or hated, but still viewed as being in the superior positon), but rather as an opponent (to be bested). I can't say when he would have started seeing it that way - maybe as early as when you first referred yourself to child services, maybe when you put him in voluntary care - whenever it happened, you lost the position of authority in his mind.
Actions such as hiding his shoes or locking him out of the house are only reinforcing that. Blocking his phone makes it worse. Taking his phone away would have been a more appropriate step; it stop him communicating with his peers, but doesn't send the message that you don't want to hear from him.
You need to create an incentive structure that quickly rewards good behavior, without enabling bad behavior. This will take patience and energy. For instance, if he's home and behaving well, you need to treat him sweetly and lovingly - not smothering, just nice. Have dinner ready. Have a nice conversation (keep it short, though, to minimize the chance one of you will say something confrontational). Let him know he is welcome in your home anytime (but his friends are not, ever).
On the other hand, don't give him money, or pay for anything other than sensible clothes and shoes. Buy his clothes for him if you have to, where he has the option of wearing what you approve of, or you can return them while his clothes wear out.
If his behavior is unacceptable at home, fighting will only make it worse. You cannot win an argument with a teenager, even a well-behaved one. The proper response is to withdraw completely from any rude behavior - not retreat, withdraw. No parting shots (like "Oh, if that's how you're going to be") or eye-rolling, just end the interaction. If he persists in trying to speak to you, tell him you'll be happy to listen if he wants to be civil, but until then you have things to do.
Referring him to any outside party should be an absolute last resort - a response to violence, perhaps, but little else. Calling for outside helps will destroy any semblance of respect he has for you, and restore the adversarial viewpoint. You need to solve problems solely between the two of you whenever possible, and you need to be patient and calm. Do not let him get to you - he will try his damndest, and you have to be above that.
These are just some specific examples of an overall strategy. You need to stop enabling him, stop fighting him, and start making him feel at home, while still setting clear boundaries.
As for the biological father, have you badmouthed him (whether the words were accurate or not) to your son? This can have profound negative effects on the child. Besides which, from what you wrote (and I apologize if I interpreted this wrong), it sounds he did not want to stop being the father, but you left him anyway and took the kids. If that's the case, you can't blame him for not wanting to be involved. From his perspective, it's like he's being called only when he's useful to you, and ignored otherwise. Nothing "sick" about that.
Whether that's the case or not, if the bio-father wasn't around when your son was young, it's probably too late for him to do anything. He missed his chance to bond while young, to set an example of how a man should behave, to establish himself as an authority. To his son, he's just some guy.
For your boyfriend, your son has never stopped seeing him as "Mom's boyfriend," and so has very little reason to respect or appreciate him. He never started seeing him as a surrogate father - maybe because he knew that the man was only in his life as the price of being in yours, or maybe because he always assumed the guy would leave at some point, who knows. Respect doesn't just magically happen, especially with kids.
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