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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I would appreciate very much your advice and an objective look at my current situation... I feel as if I am waking up from a dream and realizing that my reality isn't that rosy. Why now, you might ask...About two years ago I suddenly developed a very difficult form of arthritis. The doctors were stunned because it is usually a genetic condition one gets in the early twenties, so they started going down other avenues, looking for sources of stress in my life, mostly work, while I kept insisting that I have no stress at work, which is true, well it WAS true, up until a month ago, when I learned that the firm I work for is about to go under in about 4 months, but that is a different story.Unfortunately, the main source of stress is my private life. And I don't know if I am the one who is overreacting or if my marriage is really not a good one. This is not about my husband; this is about me accepting things I maybe shouldn’t or me blowing things out of proportion.I love my husband and deeply care about him. He has many qualities and I respect him. He is honest, hardworking and has managed to overcome certain hardships that come from having bad parents. But all of this has left some marks. He has sever mood swings and he is (super) hyperactive which seriously affects his decision making and by extension our lives. He has regular burst of rage and has a very low tolerance for stress. I'll try to give you a short illustration of what typically happens. He wanted us to do some work in our home (he often initiates things, because he needs to be active), but when the time came to do the actual work, beyond the preparation, he went mushroom picking (he often gets bored with "ordinary" tasks and leaves the work to me - I tried not picking up the slack, but it only leaves me afterwards with bigger problems to resolve. He simply has no sense of priorities). When he came back from the woods he couldn't find his slippers and insisted that I was the one who did something with them (he loses all the time his stuff and despite the fact that it always turns out that he is the one who misplaces them, he starts by accusing me). He found them and didn't even apologize for making such a fuss (typical). I didn't ask him why he didn't want to help out with the work he wanted done in the first place, because it would have led to an argument instead to a normal discussion - something that I have learned to avoid over the years, because they are pointless, he just bursts into anger to avoid talking normally. While he was cleaning the mushrooms, I asked what the little ones were called and if he was sure that they are good to eat (this is the second time in his life he went mushroom picking, the first time was a week ago when our neighbor took him) he snapped saying that I am ruining his day. I calmly said that I am not questioning HIM, that I would like him to take another look before he cooks all of them. But it only made things worse - he went into a rage-binge, yelling (happens all the time) and calling me names (happens sometimes) and even throwing things (happens rarely but it does happen). I told him that we are both learning about mushrooms and that I would like to check with our neighbor. He didn't want to talk and continued to yell and shove things around until half an hour later we went to see that neighbor (we had to bring him something). We both had our normal faces on, he was calm and I was chatty (something that we both do all the time, pretend when others are around and I justify it by saying that I do not want to burden people with my private problems, while he says that he doesn't want people to see him that way). It turned out that the mushrooms I asked about were not only not edible, but poisonous. I didn’t say anything to him.My husband never apologized (usually after the big outbursts of anger he does apologize and says that he knows that he has a problem that not even the therapist he has been seeing or the medication he is prescribed have managed to treat). He just started talking about normal stuff and I replied. I didn’t sulk and didn’t ignore him. But this morning I didn’t cook his breakfast nor prepared his lunch, which I normally do (but that is another story).The way he behaves is hurtful to me and I wish I would just tune out when he has his “episodes”, but I can’t. I have an involuntary reaction - my throat tightens and so does my stomach, I feel sad and my energy plummets. In other words, after that I am good for nothing. For me this is the worst possible time to start questioning my life, since I am about to lose mu job. I mean I know it is always good, but my levels of stress are off charts (thus my arthritis is too).Btw, my arthritis appeared when my husband pulled us into something that was a very stressful, long-term problem (I’ll spare you the details but it was very serious and expensive and had long-term consequences, even today I have no guarantees that we are out of the woods).Am I overreacting? Nobody’s perfect, so is this just his imperfection? We all make compromises with what we can live with; I’m not sure that what we have is something that should be compromised about. Thanx!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2019): your husband is emotionally abusive. it's as simple as that. and over the years you've taken on the classic stance of the victim, trying to appease him so he doesn't go off. but you can't do that all the time because he'll find a reason to go off if he wants to. maybe do some reading about cycles of abuse and emotional abuse and see if you start to recognise his behaviour and how you've come to accept it. the only answer to abuse is to leave by the way. you can't change him and he doesn't deserve another chance with you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2019): I leave to others the advice regarding your husband's situation which I am sure they can do better than me but I advise you strongly to avoid eating wild mushrooms because they can be highly toxic and almost no cure for mushroom poisoning. Don't play russian roulette with you life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): Thank you all for your help!
I guess I have been hoping that things will get better, because he's not only what I have described to you, but he is very much that too.
He's been seeing a shrink for years an years and was diagnosed, as the most probable case, with the ADHD. He himself says that his moods are the biggest problem, but his doctors have been ignoring that. I believe because he is not giving them a full picture. I don't think he honestly talks about the anger outbursts. I mean he probably doesn't give them a full picture of how bad it gets.
He apologized for the latest fit. And I know that he believes his apology to be true, but it is true NOW, what happens when the anger builds up again? Or when I do something that he disapproves of?
I've been reading a lot on the subject and, ina case anybody else ever reads this, I'd like to share spot-on description of such relationships:
"When they feel down, you’ll be reassuring them. When their risky behavior gets them in trouble, you’ll be rescuing them. When you disappoint them by not providing what they need, you’ll be the target of their rage. The closer you are, the more likely you’ll be in their crosshairs, as they tend to attack the very people they claim to love."
I first need to get a job, because without it I cannot take care of my health or leave.
Thank you again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): Your husband's perceived "unmanaged" anger-management problem is the main source of your emotional-stress and anxiety. It complicates everything! It aggravates your medical-condition, it compounds your work-stress; and it keeps you tipping around on pins and needles. You even described what seems like attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. He has to be tested for the condition, if he hasn't been already.
Losing your job can be remedied. You might signup with a specialized placement service for professionals; and be prepared to take whatever you qualify for. You'll likely get a reasonable severance-package; and hopefully you have a 401K or 403B. You can temporarily roll it over into an IRA; until you get another job. That takes stress about your financial future off your shoulders.
Your doctors will try different treatments until they find something that works. I think you need to see an RA specialist; and not rely on a general practitioner for arthritis. You better take advantage of your healthcare; while you still have it. Precheck medical costs for services beforehand, you don't need any surprises!
Now back to your husband! You already have the weight of the world on your shoulders; but you seem to handle him passive-aggressively. I even sense you're a little afraid of his outbursts; which I speculate that he has been purposely using to intimidate and manipulate you for years. Bursts of rage that probably terrify you!
It's not that nothing works to help him; he's not making any effort to control his rages and outbursts. He's deliberately lashing-out at you, and getting progressively worse. Healthwise; you're too frail to deal with him right-now. You may want to consider getting a legal-separation. With no consideration for reconciliation; unless he undergoes intensive anger-management counseling. If he has foregone serious treatment this long, he's not likely to bow to any ultimatums. You have to get-away from him, to save yourself! When anger-management counseling and meds aren't working; trust assuredly, it's because he doesn't want them to! It still takes restraint and self-control. His explosions are likely deliberate, and meant to scare you!
He's pulling one over on you; misleading you to believe he's suffering from a post traumatic-disorder. That disorder is rage and aggression! You're rationalizing and deluding yourself into believing the abuse is some kind of symptom of his own past childhood-abuse. He is a full-blown certified abuser!!! Read your post, you've defined domestic-abuse to a tee. You're collapsing under emotional and physical-abuse perpetrated by your husband. Everything else is just general life and health stuff. He is a threat to your physical and emotional well-being.
I really don't know about that incident with the mushrooms, that is highly suspicious!
You need out of that situation, and I mean fast!!!! You need to speak to an abuse-counselor; because you don't even seem to recognize that you're a victim of domestic-violence and abuse!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): If you get rid of that husband who by the way has zero respect for you...You will feel much lighter and better.Yes I get you love the man but really that is no way to live life.It actually sounds like tourture to me.I bet he has problems...don't we all...but he is treating you terribly.You do not deserve that...You are a good person.A lot of people have had bad childhoods and do not treat their spouse this bad.This is not a compromise to keep being abused in this way.Is he really worth all this psyical and emotional pain? You know you are better than this.You know you deserve to be treated kindly.If you are short on money there is always a!imony .With what you put up with you deserve it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2019): As someone who suffered an abusive childhood, it has left its mark on me too, in adulthood in the form of Bipolar Disorder. Now, I'm not diagnosing your husband but his symptoms are similar to mine (well, when I wasn't taking medication) and I acted the same to my husband.
Maybe he needs to see a doctor? It's absolutley awful having severe mood swings, one extreme to the other, and not having any control over it. And it's absolutley awful for the people we have to live with, who become effected by behaviours.
I don't think you are overreacting; The way he treats you at times is not very nice at all and you don't deserve that. But I do think that maybe supporting him through a diagnosis will be the best solution. He needs to accept, for YOUR sake and his own, that he needs some help to get his moods under control. It's not fair of him to put you through this all the time and it's now effecting your health. Your health is just as important as his, and he needs to understand that.
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