A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been friends with my friend (Samantha) for 5 years and its really had its ups and downs throughout the years but things started to get worse, the competitiveness, the jealousy etc. We love each other very much but there is a lot negativity and contempt towards each other. So i got friends with Samanthas friend Hanna. The first moment i met hanna she started saying things like dont you think samantha is weird like this and like that, and i used her as someone to confide in and agreed with her and we had a 2 year friendship alongside all the while i was friends with Sam. The things that me and hanna talked about were crazy! that we think she's really gay, that her boyfriend is gay, really stupid stuff and way more mean stuff but we couldnt stop ourselves it was too funny. Now last weeek they got together and hanna tells sam everything we've talked about and twisted it all on me. Sam said she never wants to talk to me again and im out of her life for good. I am devastated that Hanna turned on me what a betrayal when she said even worse things, but i never showed Sam evidence of that because i wanted to walk away the better person. But still now i miss Sam and i am devastated that i lost her friendship this way. How can i get her back? i do not want hanna back EVER but sam i really care for but she was so upset about all the things i said, she said im no longer part of her life and goodbye. How can I repair this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure if you will all get notifications on this but I made up with Samantha but it did take 9-10 months to fix it. She knows me deep down that i'm not malicious i was just joining in with bullsh*t and she knows how much i care about her it was a long friendship that we were both there for each other. You're right i should have had a backbone and told hanna to shut the f**k up at any opportunity she started talking about her. Hanna and I got friends again too, there was a lot of anger there, but she still brings up Samantha and whenever she does i'm like EXCUSE ME but we wont ever talk about her again thanks! Clearly she's not changed but I really did and learnt from it. Thanks all!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 December 2017):
 No I disagree with you not all women bitch and gossip behind their friends back!! I know for sure that I don't and if I had anything to say to them then I would say it to there face. So if you are the sort off person that back stabs there friends then that is your choice but not all women are the same. Maybe learn from this that you should treat friends better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 December 2017):
 So let them both go.
STRIVE to be a better person. Talking smack about so-called friends is not the way to go. If you have issues with friends or loved ones you go STRAIGHT to the "horse's mouth", not behind their back.
LEARN from this. That is really all you can do. Jumping in the gutter with the other two and pointing fingers at them doesn't make you ANY better (or worse) but it also doesn't make you a good friend (then neither but we aren't talking to them, we are talking to you).
As for the whole all women gossip. No. Some decide not to get into "venting" character assassinations of friends. Bust some also do not keep around drama-llamas who are not good friends, to begin with.
What you give out into the World is what will come back at you. Consider that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes its been a toxic friendship for a while thats why i was venting it out on hanna but still thats not nice for hanna to do that and ruin my friendship with sam. Everybody talks about people especially women gossip come on im no different from anyone else except i got framed!! They are way worse than me because they swapped screenshots. I have evidence of both of them what they said about each other but i took the high road and didnt send 1 screenshot!!! Those 2 im sure have said plenty about me behind my back for sure!!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 December 2017):
 You can't undo something like what you did I'm afraid. 2 Years of backstabbing is a lot.
I wouldn't necessarily say her still contacting you has any ulterior motive behind things. I think the only option that you have is to give her space and see what happens.
In all honesty this friendship sounds very toxic. I'm not sure what you were both getting out of it if you were happy to bad mouth her when you got the opportunity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've apologised a hundred times and she keeps emailing me back really really nasty messages, this is like pre-school!! I got so upset from the last message yesterday, it was like this is the end! do u know how many times she's said that to me? she just wants me to fight for her friendship and explain myself further why i did it and get answers for herself. Surely if she didnt want anything to do with me she'd not email me and stay away. I dont know how to get her to calm down I dont want to leave her this angry, its been almost a month now. Everyone of my other firends are tellign me not to reply that its bad for me but i want her back so much. What is the best way to calm down her anger?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (29 November 2017):
I don't think this friendship can be mended and I don't think you deserve Sam's friendship. What age are you 10? Honestly how you treated Sam is nothing short off bitchy, cruel and bullying. You should be ashamed off yourself and try and learn to be a better person in future.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 November 2017):
Good on Sam.
I'd of dropped you like a bad habit also. How can you honestly say you care about her and then chat crap behind her back for 2 years? That makes no sense at all. A good friend would defend someone when they're unable to defend theirself, you are not a good friend.
Take this as a lesson to not be two faced in future and stick by your friends rather than turn on them the second the opportunity arises.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Why don't you find something other than bitching about other people to talk about? You're an adult, you're not 14, why not talk about life, common interests, discussions rather than hurtful two-faced talk..
I think if you want Sam back, she needs to BELIEVE that you're not going to say nasty things about her behind her back! And honestly? If I found out my "friend" was doing this I'd never be able to think of them as a friend again..convincing her will be hard work and you may well have blown it.
But please, you're too mature to be filling your conversations with this playground stuff- not having a pop at you, just believe if you want to improve as a person and have better relationships, and MAINTAIN them, you need to pursue interests, read and just act a bit more adult. Take care
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2017):
You can't fix this.
You were a crappy crappy friend to Sam and I'm not surprised she cut you off.
Sorry, but you don't go around and talk smack about your "so-called" friends behind their back, you should have found other subjects. Making fun of her and using her as your entertainment with Hanna. It's just not cool at all.
And honestly? Calling Hanna out doesn't help your position. The whole - SHE did it too! It's not a viable excuse.
LEARN to be a better friend and human being.
Gossip is NOT nice. It's NOT helpful. It's malicious.
What goes around comes around. You are now reaping what you sowed. Suck it up Buttercup and LEARN from this.
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