A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello All, Hope you’re well.I’m posting anonymously although I am an Aunt (it’s just to save hassle!).This is long and a bit of a ‘venting-session’ more than anything, though comforting words or advice will be very well received.Ok, I posted before with regards to my partner’s depression and the strains that it is putting on us/me.I decided to stay with him despite our problems and help as well as I could. Well, things have taken a rather dire turn for the worse as I discovered that he has stopped taking his medication and is now refusing to ask doctors for help as they pay him no attention.I agree that his doctor is particularly uncaring and well, useless if I’m honest but I did offer to go with him and explain exactly what happens in his day-to-day life and how it affects everyday activities…to no avail.Things began changing about a month ago; we were invited to a family meal (my family) for my Nan’s birthday. He refused point blank to go and I went alone.My family know he suffers from depression and, although they would have preferred him to be there, were more than happy just to have me out of the flat and smiling!I explained to them how he was feeling but I know they don’t really understand.When I returned (a little worse for wear thanks to my Mum keeping me topped up with drinks!) I was met with cold silence and he didn’t want to hear anything about my day. Fair do’s, I left it there.The weekend just passed, he started to open up to me. On Friday he was very tearful, upset and wanting lots of cuddles. I held him all evening, wiped away his tears and encouraged him to let it all out.On the Saturday he was still a little upset and continued to talk freely about how he was feeling and apologised for putting me through ‘hell’ as he described it. He said that he had been considering marriage and even asked if there were any special dates that I would prefer, should he ask.On the Sunday we visited the cemetery where his son and Dad are buried, he broke down and we had to wait for a friend of his to arrive to help talk some sense into him. He told this friend that I’d saved his life and was the best thing that has ever happened to him……Monday, we went into town to get tattoos done. We had a great day, pulling faces at each other as we each went under the needle and talking about films, music etc. It was great…until the evening when we were supposed to be going out for my brother’s birthday. We arrived home and I spoke to my Mum over the phone, I told her that we would meet with them for a few drinks but couldn’t really afford to have a meal as my partner’s money was messed around and I’d paid the cash for our tatts.She wasn’t impressed and said that I’d never see the money again (I don’t know why, perhaps she’d had a bad day)! My partner heard this and as soon as I’d hung up, he started shouting and calling me names. I told him not to take it personally and he insisted that I’d poisoned my family against him. All I’ve ever done is try to make them understand that we are a couple and work as a team.Anyway, since Monday he has been telling me that he wants his family to know what a b**ch I am! He said that he’s just going to disappear around the world (not that he can afford to) and that he will, from now on, be single for the rest of his life.He only talks to me if he wants to put me down or have a go. He laid into me last night about the state my flat was in before I moved into his (this was nearly a year ago) and that I don’t respect anyone or anything!I’m at a complete loss; he won’t talk, tell me how he’s feeling or even look at me! I noticed last night also that his anti-depressants hadn’t moved for a while and I asked when he last took any. At first he said it was nothing to do with me, then he said ‘can’t remember, a while ago, what does it matter??’.Now I’m in situation where my feelings haven’t changed for him at all, I love him dearly, he’s my world. I just don’t know what to do for the best anymore. I’ve cut down my drinking enormously in order to keep a clearer perspective and have thoroughly researched how to deal with depression online. I thought I had it sussed and told him that I have a better understanding-which he did not like at all.I guess I just need someone to tell me that I’m doing the right thing! My family and friends don’t understand and only see what his actions are doing to me, but I know they would be more accepting if they gave me the chance to explain exactly what his illness entails. My Mum has asked me to convince her as she does not dislike my partner, just what his attitude and actions do to my confidence!I don’t want to lose him and I’m treading on eggshells every time I’m at home, work is a relief and gives me some space.Have I lost him???If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again Gina, you are a diamond!
You’re right, I’ve exhausted all other routes and this is the only option left.
We’re on the verge of breaking up, he told me to move out & f**k off again last night…his doctors are my only hope.
Thanks for sharing your neighbours’ story, it’s given me that kick up the butt that I needed!
Here’s hoping that’s there’s a light at the end of this very dark tunnel…
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, it’s difficult to do this at home as he doesn’t know about it…much easier to just wait till I’m back at work.
Firstly I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone that’s given their input, it is very, very much appreciated. I don’t know how I’d cope if it wasn’t for this site.
Gina, thank you for your post, but I do have to say that if I went to his doctor behind his back he’d probably kill me…or himself! I‘ve been considering it all weekend and have weighed up the pros and cons; ultimately I’ve decided that although it would be the best idea, I can’t see any type of future if I do.
He is spiralling out of control, he hasn’t talked to me since last week apart from to say that he will continue to be nasty to me and that if I don’t like it, I know where the door is. I feel at such a loss.
I asked him on Friday evening why he is like this and he shouted again that I’ve poisoned my family against him...He’s referring to the fact that he gave me a curfew of 11pm a few weeks ago and I asked my Mum if I was out of order for thinking that a curfew at 25 years of age is unacceptable. I know I shouldn’t have, I have a terrible knack of saying things in anger and then regretting them later, but I haven’t been out anywhere since I’ve been with him and would love to let my hair down for one night!
Also, a while ago, he told me that I was a murderer and I should be ashamed of myself (I had an abortion when I was younger…and yes, I am ashamed of myself), I retaliated (in a drunken state) that he didn’t know his son and that he’s probably better of without him (his son was killed in a car accident three years ago…I feel disgusted that I said this and honestly don’t remember a single word like that coming from my mouth, I wish I could turn back the clock as I definitely, definitely didn’t mean it).
I’m starting to feel that I deserve what is happening, feel low and tearful and cannot see a way forwards. I suggested that he may be bipolar or manically depressed and he said that, if I truly thought that I should have him sectioned. Do you think the doctors would even consider this course of action??
I know he would throw me out if I discussed his medication but I think he’d benefit from time away…
Satindesire, I know that this would be the simple thing to do but he refuses not only to take any medication at all, but to see a doctor.
He seems to have lost all faith in the system and will not listen to me when I say that I’ll help him to change doctors or even pay for a professional to come around to the flat and talk/counsel him.
Jennyjenny, I’m so sorry to hear of your situation and what you’ve been through. I bet you are a million times stronger than you realise. Thanks so much for sharing and for your insights into my situation.
I am determined to stand by him but he seems determined to push me away. It’s so difficult not to take it personally when I’m the only one that he’s like this with. I know I’ve made mistakes and said stupid, hurtful things back whilst angry, I just wish I had the right words in every day life. Everything I do is wrong and, sorry for sounding dramatic, but I feel as though my life is slowly but surely falling apart and my determination to hold us together seems to make him hate me more.
Anonymous, I’m also very sorry to hear what you have been through.
I have also researched depression and have read a lot about psychology and what he needs. I’ve mentioned this to him on several occasions but he gets very angry and says that ‘not everybody is the same’ and that he ‘has been suffering for years and nothing has helped so he must be different to every other depressed person on the planet’. He will not under any circumstances read the information that I’ve found, even when it describes him and his symptoms down to the last detail!
How did you decide that the Priory was right for you? What does that entail (is it a long stay or weekly sessions)? Sorry for my naivety, it’s not been something that I’ve dared look into in case he takes it the wrong way!!
He sees a counsellor for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but he is now in the last month of sessions on the NHS so won’t receive any further free help.
Your first doctor sounds exactly like the ones at his surgery, I thought doctors were more understanding about depression nowadays??? He was close to suicide because one of them said that he had to pull himself together and stop being miserable!
I want to say again that I really appreciate all of you replying to my question, you probably have a very different view of me now, I’m a monster and deserve to suffer for what I’ve said in the past, but he doesn’t deserve to be living this nightmare anymore and it breaks my heart that nothing I do helps…xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): hi there, i am posting as someone who has suffered depression and I know as a depressive its very easy to get caught up in how I am feeling and you dont realise that depression like a lot of illnesses can affect the people around you just as much, i was reall bad at one point but determined not to take anti depressants after researching the data (I have also done psychology and biology) so opted for st johns wort and cognative behavioural therapy, i was so sceptical about the group therapy I enrolled in at the Priory (there is one in most big citys its not the the one in London that celebs go to but in another city) and almost didnt go...but I am glad I did, for the first 2 weeks it was hell and I had to switch to one to one counselling because I was so angry and had to release so much pent up anger etc before I could go back into the cognative behaviour groups, it helped beyond belief so its something I would highly recommend, my first doctor was also absolutely rubbish and I was nearly sent over the edge by him after he more or less said pull yourself together but I found the strength to change and found a much more sympathetic one, i also read as much as I could as i found even small info like how depression affects REM sleep made me so much more aware of how to break patters, reading about "rumination" and the effect this has on you when trying to get to sleep made such a difference and I stopped doing this almost imediately and got up and used the computer or read instead of lying for hours turning things over - as believe it or not I didnt know that was feeding the depression and making it worse! hope this helps!
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reader, Jennyjenny +, writes (22 October 2009):
This is so so hard... Both of my parents suffer from extreme depression, that verges on personality disorder. This surrounding me growing up inevitably left me with a lot of "issues" and I went through years and years of depression and even self harm.
(I just posted my first question on here because of my stupid confused inability to combine thoughts and actions! :-/)
I have been drawn to friends and partners who are depressive people deep down, and split up with my dear boyfriend this year, as he had been depressed and distressed for over a year without seeking help in any real way. His feelings led him to become increasingly nasty to me, having sudden panicky outbursts and fits of rage at the drop of a hat.
I'm sure my spells of depression got to him too.
The pressure on you in your current situation is immense! You can feel proud of yourself that you made it this far, and are still determined to stand by him. This may be what he needs to get through, but I also think you have to set yourself some limits - Lines that you wont let him cross, wether he's well or not. Aswell as needing to do this for your own mental wellbeing, you will retain more strength to be able to support him.
Love him, but love yourself just as much. You have to know how much is too much.
Good Luck. Stay strong. xxx
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