A
male
age
36-40,
*goodguy85
writes:I don't know if I'm looking for advice but maybe would just like to hear other peoples thoughts. I'm 26 years old and my girlfriend left me a week ago. Her and I had been dating for a year. We met through her father who I work with; he invited me over one night and her and I hit it off. We were inseperable. We had the greatest summer full of small trips lots pictures, I pretty much lived at their house without living there. Her parents were very happy. She spent most of her highschool days excelling in sports and you might call her socially a little quiet. She started dating after highschool. None of them were serious, more out of convenience of dating her brothers friends cause they all hung out with the same people.So her parents were a little worried before we met...25 single and not really looking. When we got together they were very happy because I was what you'd call a "good guy". They didn't like any of her exs and she didn't have much nice to say about them either. There's always been a little bit of friction between her and her family and so when we moved in together 6 months later it was probably for the wrong reasons. A month and a half later we broke up, she got really quiet and distant for a few days, and when i confronted her she told me feelings changed, so I said "if you don't want to be here, you should just go", and she went home. I was devestated. I couldn't stand being at home because it felt so empty without her. Her dad would tell me how she'd ask about me every now and again, that she just stayed in her room and rarely came out. We had a couple little arguments but then left eachother alone. Her dad had me over while she was still at work one evening for something and she came home. We talked but she had this nervous, anxious pale look on her face, spoke softly and tried to smile but couldn't. I took a bold leap and asked her what she was doing for New Years and she said nothing so we planned to go out. When I picked her up I had never seen her dress up to that extent before, I was blown away. The night was a little awkward at first but after a few drinks we started dancing like we used to and laughing. We both talked about our breakup and asked if we were seeing anyone and how we didn't want to be single. We even argued a little but got things off our chest. Needless to say we got back together on New Years Eve. It felt like a fresh start cause we had been through something together and came out ok. 10 days later she got in a HUGE fight her parents where she left but got kicked out at the same time. So of course I let her back in to my home, she's my girl. We were both a little worried cause living together didn't work the first time. We really wanted to date but not live together for a while, but her parents kicking her out put us in a tough spot. So she moved in and for almost 3 months it was perfection. She said everything felt different and so much better this time. Now like I said you could classify me as a good guy but not wuss. I believe in principles, loyalty and honesty. I'm an industrial mechanic and make a very good living, I work on cars and motorcycles, i play in beer league australian football and baseball, but I also cook all the time, I play the piano and the guitar, I stay very active and told I have a very witty sense of humour. Now of course I'm not perfect but I'd like to think I present myself as a pretty well rounded guy.She told me she absolutely loved my cooking because it tasted good but was always healthy. She loved listening to me play piano and on and on. She told me I was the first real relationship she ever had and the first guy she had told she loved and she did all the time. She shared things on a personal level that even kept from her friends. She felt comfortable and safe with, not only physically but with her secrets and uncomfortable things. But one day a few weeks ago she dropped a bomb on me. She told me "I hate that I feel this way but I have an urge to cheat" It killed me, I mean it was pretty much over. I was actually surprised at how honest she was, that couldn't have been easy. How many ppl actually admit that instead of hiding and it actually cheating. We both got really quiet while figured out what to do. She texted me at work couple days later saying she was sorry and she wants to give us another shot. A week later she told me it just wasn't going to work. Her family wasn't going to let her home at first but they talked it over and two days later she went home. She told her family she just wasn't ready for a relationship and has to figure her life out. I called her on a guy that I think were where her urges were coming from and she didn't agree but she didn't deny it either. He fit her immediate physical attraction, a guy at her work. Y'know how it is carefree attitude, lots of tattoos, buff...ladies drooling yet? Bad boy? I understand bad boy in highschool or college but what is one at 28? Some loser with a go nowhere job, takes the bus to work and spends all his money on more tattoos? If my suspicions are correct he'd probably been playing with her mind for a while knowing she was attracted to him. Funny thing is he has a history of cheating, would that not be a turn off? I'm actually ok with the end of the relationship because if both ppl are into it, then it shouldn't be at this time. Thing is when I tell someone I love and care for them it doesn't just turn off because I don't get my way. IF they actually get together I know it won't last and she'll get hurt. That's what i can't stand because I know for a fact that she would never get hurt being with me. She wanted to stay friends when she left but we got into some heated discussions and now she doesn't want to. I'm going to respect her wishes and leave her be, I think what I said in anger really hurt her because of how she feels about me. Maybe she just has to kiss a few more frogs before she decides what's really important to her. I guess the one question I have at what point is it enough. So many people say if it didn't work the first time then why would it the second. I agree but if you always quit you'll never succeed at anything. I mean if you ask an old couple who's celebrating their 50 wedding anniversary, do you think they never had tough times? they never split? Sometimes two people might be right but at the wrong time. I'm an optimist I can't help but think that way. The hardest part is that we really have an insanely large amount of things in common. There was NEVER a time we went out and didn't have a great time. Kinda strange at first we both said to eachother about how well we get along. I genuinely love her. And I don't mean lovey dovey hearts. I mean really love and care about her and her well being even when I'm not with her. I don't mean to wait the rest of my life but I'm also a very comfortable single man, I can take care of myself. I will respect her wishes and not contact her but I often wonder if she'll call me after a bit of soul searching more life experience. I guess I hope one day she does because if you search for that perfect person you won't find it, no one is perfect and you will have your differences but when I'm with her...well words just don't do justice..if you've been there you know what I mean. Thanks for reading.
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male
reader, agoodguy85 +, writes (11 April 2011):
agoodguy85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood answer, thanks. Hard to hear but it makes sense. All part of the game. The game is what bothers me. The fact that it is a game, and you have to play it seems so artificial to me. Being a type of person that doesn't come naturally to me.
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 "I understand bad boy in highschool or college but what is one at 28?"
That desire never goes away, it just gets put on hold when practical reality gets in the way.
"Funny thing is he has a history of cheating, would that not be a turn off?"
Yes and no. If a girl can convince herself that she is such a special snowflake that she can change him, it's actually a challenge, not a turn-off. Plus, given that he's sleeping around, lots of girls must like him, therefore he must be attractive, therefore the girl wants him more.
Women will deny that to the day they die, but by definition, somebody has to be sleeping with all the cheating guys out there.
On the other hand, a more grounded girl would see that a cheater will cheat regardless of how hot or special she is, and be turned off. So it depends on the girl.
"That's what i can't stand because I know for a fact that she would never get hurt being with me."
Well, that's good and bad (ambiguity is kind of important with girls). On the one hand, girls don't want a guy that hurts them. On the other, a guy that won't hurt them no matter what, even emotionally, comes off as a pushover. They have to know that if they go too far, he'll dump her without a second thought, or tell her exactly how messed up she's been. It's about having boundaries and enforcing them. People respect that.
Right now, being willing to take her back could easily be perceived as having no boundaries. If she knows you'd take her back, there's no challenge, and there's no evidence you will defend your own principles. Doesn't mean that's really the case, but it's probably how she sees it. So that's turning her off. It's a catch-22.
Look, you sound like a catch, I'm sure plenty of chicks would like you. And you don't have to be afraid to get emotionally close, but you do have to maintain some sense of challenge, some willingness to walk away if it gets to bad. That's just a part of self-respect, and it's part of what keeps you interesting to girls. A guy who can play guitar and piano, who is funny and smart, can only entertain a girl so long. You only know so many songs, so many jokes, so many recipes. A guy she can't quite figure out, who she's not quite sure of, will entertain a girl forever.
You don't have to be a tattooed douchebag. You just have to have the demonstrable capacity to be an asshole under the right circumstances.
I'd suggest finding a new girl, starting fresh, and putting the old one out of your mind. No hard feelings for her, just moving forward. But that's your call. Best of luck either way.
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