A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My father passed away 6 months ago and over Christmas my mother told me she has been having an affair for the past 5 years with a married man. This included the period my father was terminally ill and she bought this guy round the house so he was fully aware of it. She has decided she wishes to continue seeing this man. He isn't looking to leave his wife, and they have sex in hotel rooms .She says he understood but I don’t really believe her. I was around them a lot whilst dad was ill and he seemed so depressed and heartbroken. He was certainly no angel in the marriage so although I had suspicions, I kept out of their business and concentrated on dad's care and making his final days as happy as possible.Whilst she has shown me texts that seem to show a level of feelings for each other, I am concerned this is going to end in drama and heartache for her. She is aware it probably isn’t ever going to be a proper relationship. I have let her know my opinion calmly when she asked m. I have also let her know that continueing will distance me from her as I find it hard to trust her now as she isn't concerned about the impact of her affair on other people (our family, his family, his children..) She wants to talk to me and complain about this guy playing the victim and I’ve told her I’m not willing to play that role. She has decided that she would rather lose me and stick with this guy.I can overlook the past as this was between my parents and their own business. However , when I told her how the lying for over 5 years at a time like this made me feel, she completely brushed it off and said I was being 'childish' by not being happy with this choice. She was even lying when she told me about it – the texts between them that she showed me did not support her story. I wasn’t sure what to do but after a long think, I told her brother and sister. I didn’t feel comfortable keeping secrets for her and the burden of that. I wasn’t judgemental but I did let them know I was very worried about her. She is angry with me for doing this.She is recently bereaved, 75, lives on her own and her behaviours has been pretty erratic since dad passed away understandably. I respect her choices but I don't want to encourage her to hurt others and herself. I am an only child and I promised my dad I would look out for her. I feel torn.What should I do?
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (2 January 2015):
Dear OP,
I can understand that this is very hard for you. You probably also still mourn over your father and you could need some support in getting over this loss, but already you need to step up to a new and very difficult task: To be there for an erratic parent, stick around despite old, unfinished business.
Don't know exactly what to advise you.. maybe to give yourself some time, to analyze all the different feelings that this situation is bringing to you. The hurt over being lied to, the sadness about your fathers' loss, the worry about her, the anger for her and her selfishness, the pity for her situation.. there are so many emotions, untangle them and look at each of them separately. Maybe in between all the painful emotions, you can also find some love and gratitude for your mother.
She may be selfish some times, but hey, she watched her husband die and she didn't run away. She stayed through this horrible time. Yes, she lied, but now she came out and told the truth. She's not a perfect person. But she's also not evil.
And then, keep your promise to look after her, but by still respecting your own boundaries. Seems a difficult balance, but try to find it. For instance, tell your mother you won't let her down, do some things together with her that you both like.. but ask her firmly to speak to someone else about her affair, as it's hurting you too much. Take good care of yourself. Be aware that visiting your mother is difficult for you, always schedule some time to emotionally recover from the experience. Reward you with good food, a nice movie, when you were brave enough to face the difficult situation.
Also, don't carry this burden alone. It's a good thing you talked to others about this. Look out for people who can help you take care of her. Maybe you don't need to do everything.
A
female
reader, sea cucumber  +, writes (2 January 2015):
I understand why your mother started this while your dad was sick. It was a way to escape all the problems at home and feel loved. This same need is probably what is keeping this relationship going for 5 years. I think telling her you are not happy with the situation but are willing to respect her is your best option. While she did not want her family to know it is important that you told them because she is older and people need to watch out for he. Being her only child and having it your fathers wish to take her, do not cut off communication. You did well by telling her you do not wish to hear about their relationship. Best of luck and stay by her side because she probably needs you more than either of you know.
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