A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok although my situation is long and complicated I guess it boils down to the fact I like two amazing guys. The first has been my bf for 3 years. We have had some great times and I love him dearly but the relationship has become stale (and please note I have tried for a year to get the spark back, but with no success. He made no effort and it was heart breaking for me). However the second guy I haven’t known for long but I have never connected with someone that way before. You know when you meet someone and you just fit, on every level... He makes me incredibly happy, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I have been getting to know him as friends, but we both know now there is something more between us and part of me wants to explore that. I guess meeting this guy has made me realise the problems in my relationship and that I haven’t been happy for some time. Both parties know the situation, and neither want to walk away, and have given me space to decide something. I know the decision should really be about whether to give me relationship another try, but I can’t help feel that it also a little bit of a choice between men.Right now I don’t feel I can really give my relationship a real chance when I feel so connected to another guy, who I am not willing to just let go... People say to just give it time, but this is driving me mad!!! Its consuming me and I know I can’t go on for weeks or months like this. It would seem that the easier option would be to cut out this new guy and give my relationship a go, but having space from this new guy right now is unbearable, and I don’t want to cut him out. But then if I decide to end it with my bf and explore things with this new guy, not only would it be hard because I would loose my bf and because this guy lives quite far away, but then I may feel I have made a mistake!! I’m just so confused!! Will time make things clearer? because right now I can’t see how sitting here being torn in two is helping! Has anyone else been in this situation?? I know only I can decide but I just don’t know how!
View related questions:
spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): need to let both go and see how things turn out in a longer period of time, because you are right now in the intense phaze, so let the dust settle for few months and then see how it goes with both guys, take time out for yourself. Otherwise you will be making the wrong decisions to soon. trust me in this. goodluck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): I think your relationship has run it's course and you are hanging on for fear of change. The new guy offers you something new. Who knows if it would work with the new guy, that's the nature of things, there are no certainties. Leaving a relationship is never easy but you must not hang on out of duty or routine. So I would end your current relationship. Have a spell on your own, maybe seeing this other guy occasionally and then take things from there. Don't launch from one relationship into another. You need to reappraise what you want in life. Be just you. Then if you and this other guy still feel the same, you are in a better position to progress.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks so much for your answer and I agree with everything you have said. That is my situation and I have taken a step back from both guys to get perspective. This new guy also understands the situation. I need to figure out what I want from my relationship not him. I have removed this guy as I know we are probably a bit infatuated but we are great friends too and I hate that I've lost that... But removing him entirely, I was wondering when people get to a 'settling' stage is it supposed to be miserable and unfulfilling? I feel I have moved forwards and my bf hasn't. I have shared my doubts with my bf over the last year and made several suggestions to try improve things but they fell on deaf ears, which was incredably heart breaking. It felt like he wasn't that interested but he always said he loved me. I stayed with him telling myself that things would get better but now I have got to the point of giving up and he only now seems to realise how I feel (despite directly telling him). Its like he's been in denial. I don't feel angry towards him but now he is asking me for a chance but something just doesn't feel right anymore. Is that normal for settling? I know it sounds like perhaps we should call it a day but I love him. Oh Im so confused, sorry for rambling on!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): I agree with strongfp on most of his points. He said pretty much everything I wanted to say. Except I have a feeling your grass is greener thing is something you have to discover for yourself.
Being happy in a relationship is very important so if you're not then I think your current one is over. I also think you're going to be incredibly disappointed with this new guy in a short amount of time. You will no doubt feel you've made a mistake because he lives far away and also because it really isn't going to be this amazing beautiful relationship you think it is. So logistically you will be going from a close physical full blown loving relationship to one where you rarely get to see this new guy, you will not see him enough to build a close relationship and you'll feel a bit left out in the cold.
I think you know your relationship is dead. You might love your boyfriend but you don't seem 'in love' with him. The fact you have developed strong feelings for another guy shows this. So no matter what happens your current relationship might not be workable. Then again leaving him and seeing that this new guy is not all he's cracked up to be might be the very thing your current relationship needs to reignite it.
You might think "what the hell does this guy know? my new guy is perfect, how can you be dismissive?" I can be from experience to be honest. Because all this guy is at the moment is a guy that fills a hole in your current relationship, he fills the hole left behind when the passion and excitement went. But once your current relationship ends and you try with this new guy you'll see that on its own is simply not enough. You'll come to realize all the other things you have with your boyfriend right now, things you've become accustomed to, things that took years to develop just won't be there with this new guy. Not only that but it will be very hard to build those things because of the distance and they also won't come quick enough, because you have to start at square one again.
Let me make it clear one last time, this idea you have of this new guy being amazing and perfect is a fantasy, once you leave the security of your current relationship you'll see that. You see you're safe and secure in your relationship now, you have a lot of your needs met by it. Once that goes you won't have any of those things and this new guy won't be able to give you ay of them, at least not now plus you'll be on the complete rebound and desperate for all of those things.
You'll find this all out for yourself though.
...............................
A
male
reader, lovecrazy2008  +, writes (10 January 2011):
I'm in a current situation and I know what you are feeling, it hard to let go of your bf and also it hard to let go of the other guy on the side.
You have to ask youself what mades each one good for you and not good for you? Also who will stick by you when things get hard or bad?
Also a lot of people stay with people because they been with that person the longest so they know that person. The longer you are with the other guys, you will not really be focus on your bF like that, trust me I know.
Noone want to make the wrong decision, but you will eventually have to ask yourself, what is the right decision for you? Don't let the lust affect your opinion, be true to yourself.
...............................
|
