A
female
age
51-59,
*ennifer99
writes:Im in a real, emotional mess at the moment and i could do with some good advice. Im 40 and married with 3 children,now while i care about my husband i dont like his sexual needs because they are very bizarre and i find them totally disgusting. We haven't had sex for 5 months now bcause he only gets aroused if i go along with his kinky fantasises,and im afraid i cant. Anyway i met a man who i fell in love with and we have been seeing each other for 9 months now, he wants me to leave my husband and live with him, he said he will take my children on as well. Now im really torn here because i do love this man so passionately yet i dont want to hurt my husband or my children...what shall i do? I know i cant bear my husband to have sex with me because im emotionally involved with someone else and my husbands dirty, sexual fantasises make me feel ill. What shall i do?
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male
reader, rationalmastermind  +, writes (30 May 2011):
Hi Jennifer, What a muddle you have. Although the problem you have isn't as uncommon as you or others may think. It's difficult to analyze such a complex problem with so little knowledge.
Analyzing a persons personality helps to create a model for a persons behavior. Identifying a model of behavior allows predictions of future behavior. It also gives interactions between different models of behavior. By understanding different models of behavior you can identify why different models of behavior worked or didn't work and know the reason why. Their are many Idea's and Theories about the subject of personality in my observation of behavior models Keirseys and Carl Yung's Understand me 1+2 Books/Assessments.Followed by the Pygmalion Project. Are the best theories in identify behavior models.
The following Assumed Analysis of personality type is based on the limited knowledge given of you compared to my knowledge of Carl Yung's/Keirsey's personality model of behavior. My intentions are not to offend in any way, only to assess, observe, and conclude.
You are 40 now and have been married for 21 years. This tells me you are not not an Artisan, because Artisan's live in the moment, act on impulse and are not good with long term commitments. Your not a Rational personality type either because of your lack of Autonomy your empathy not to want to hurt everyone involved. Rational are seen as being cold by other personalities. Your primary value is love both for your family and your boyfriend, you appear less concerned about your security. You imagine things will be greener on the other side with your boy friend. You desire that more then the security of what you know and have with your husband. You value Love over sexual gratification, which means your are not a Guardian.
I would say your primary personality is NF (Intuitive, Feeling) or an Idealist as a primary personality. What kind of Idealist though, what is your subtype? You appear indecisive and open to what will happen with your husband and boyfriend. This suggests P (Perception) if you where a J(Judgement) you would be more decisive. You are on the computer asking questions and in 5-9 months with the boy friend the husband still doesn't know about the affair. This suggests you are Introverted with out many close friends. Introverted people need time to warm up to new people which may explain why it took 4-5 months before becoming intimate with the new boyfriend.
If I'm right your Primary Personality is NF Idealist with Subtype as a "Healer Idealist".
(INFP)Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perception
The following recipe explains your situation.
1. You have a distaste from your husbands sexual acts.
2. He doesn't want any other type of intimacy.
3. You are trying therapy.
4. Your 40-45 with your hormones kicking into over drive.
5. Built up sexual frustration over 4-5 months.
6. Coupled with other problems in the marriage:Husbands sexual problems;hormonal decline or sexual distaste.
Clearly their is a case and a strong argument for you looking out side your current marriage to find a desirable healthy sexual relationship. However, the sanctity of marriage still does not justify the behavior with the Boy Friend.
So why do it? Because, you don't know what you feel yet. Idealist"s objective are to know who they are. Idealist"s find out who they are and what they want by Intuition and Feeling through experience. Through this subjective experience Idealist find out who they are and become more decisive about what they want. Because of your long commitment with your husband you lacked the experiences needed to know who you are and what you want. This what your current experience is teaching you.
Idealist are scared of confrontation and prefer to be diplomatic so rather then being confrontational and decisive you will remain passive. So you will passively continue doing what you are doing until your husband finds out or the boyfriends gets tired of the affair. Being a women with three children at 40 children and finances are of concern with the boyfriend. Will he be committed? And the dozen of other question associated with your current muddle.
So what to do? First I would Read the books about personality. To give you insight into your self. As for the relationship with your boyfriend? Neurologically speaking 50% of relationships end with in 18-24 months. Monogamy is isn't genetically programmed in the body. The exception is seen in species where cuddling, affection, and laughter or joy is a common theme. Finances, Stress, Work, Sex, and Children are the 5 top reason for divorce and relationships not working out. Just food for thought.
If you know with out a doubt in your mind that it won't work between your husband, then plan on leaving him. Go with the boyfriend, parents, friends, get your own place, live in the house what ever but leave him. Second decide about the boyfriend is he really committed will it really work out? In the end no one can change your life but you and the longer you wait to change it and passively hope things will change all by them selves the longer it will take and the more painful it will be.
Hope this was helpful in some odd way and I hope everything in your current situation works out. If you want to talk further My email is [email address blocked]. If you need someone to talk too just ask.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): you first need to find out what the fantasies of your new lover are, or you may find yourself disgusted and breaking up another family in the not too distant future
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 November 2008):
 I can totally see where you're coming from in this particular sexual fantasy. I'm not judging it but I will say that is is probably on the very extreme fringe of what is a "common" practice. Good or bad? Who knows?
Either way, it is still you who cheated. I can understand how you felt frustrated and I know you can not change the past. It is quite common for people to do things in the wrong order. You should have left when your husband began sulking about your lack of interest in golden showers. As I mentioned before, he did nothing wrong by asking. His choice in cutting you off sex was wrong, as was your cheating.
I guess I find it awkward that you're trying to end one thing, start another and not hurt anyone. That might not be possible. You have to choose what is best.
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A
female
reader, Jennifer99 +, writes (1 November 2008):
Jennifer99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, Fade, i can see what you are saying but my lover wants to marry me, he is seperated from his 1st wife and she is living with someone else, he has been apart from his wife for 2 years now and feels nothing for her anymore as they have both moved on.I did say to my husband that i didn't want to do those things with him and he was ok about that but it meant that i had no sex with him and i resented that, how can a man change with counselling,if he's always had that perversion? Yes, i put my hands up in that i have cheated on my husband but i was only human,and people do split up and go on to have happier marriages,for the second time but i have to think very carefully on what i should do for the best because as it looks like i dont care about my kids i am putting them 1st by not running into the arms of another man and walking out of my marriage forever...
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A
female
reader, Jennifer99 +, writes (1 November 2008):
Jennifer99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your advice but please dont paint a bad picture of me,my husband and i have been together for 21 years and he is a very good father but i did fall in love with another man so yes i am guilty of that. I am no prude when it comes to the bedroom department, i am adventurous and willing to do most things BUT i draw a line when my husband cant have sex unless i perform golden showers on him and other toilet things id rather not go into, can you really blame for having a healthy sex life with another man? We love each other and he would definately take on the children if he had too, thats how much he loves me.....
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (1 November 2008):
You should never be forced or coerced to do anything that you don't want to do. I don't know what specific act you're talking about though so I don't know where you're coming from. Having said that, I'm accepting your opinion that husbands habits or requests are in fact strange. Without knowing what they are, it could also be true that you are very conservative sexually. If you could mention what he's asking you to do that might help.
While your husband has some fantasies that you don't agree with, you've been cheating on him. I find it very presumptuous and that another man would declare he'd take on the kids. They are not his kids and I'd bet the father, your husband, might not be thrilled with that. Has anybody mentioned to him that someone is considering taking on his role as dad?
My point is that you're putting the horse before the cart. The waters have really been muddied by the fact you're having an affair. If you love your husband like you say you do, end the affair. Make your stand with your husband and be firm. Having an affair was just a wishy washy response to a situation you didn't like. It didn't really solve anything. At this point, there is not much opportunity to avoid hurting your husband should you choose to tell him. Without knowing his sexual desires or what it is you don't like, I'll at least assume the sexual acts he desired included you. That is still inside the boundary of the marriage. He is entitled to his fantasies, he's entitled to invite you to take part, you are entitled to refuse his requests but you are not entitled to cheat.
Once again I'd like to stress that without knowing what his desires are, how forceful he is or how much he's been badgering you to do them, it's difficult to help. Can you offer any more information?
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