A
female
age
30-35,
*ajson93
writes:Okay, so i have gotten myself into a huge dilema. Seven months ago me and my childhood sweetheart met up and within a few weeks we were an item. I really loved him. He has been in foster care his whole life so i was always weary. Four months into the relationship he ran away for a whole month, without contacting me, not even a text message! After this horrible month i found out he had moved over 40 miles away.. That was two months ago.I have spent those two months trying my best to get over him but nothing seems to be working. I have found myself getting very close to another guy. He is amazing. Good house, good job, trustworthy! Everything i could ever ask for. He has a lot of feelings for me as he has told me many times. Recently my childhood sweeatheart has got back into contact telling me he still loves me and that he is sorry, and that he wants me to take him back. I feel so torn up and confused. I have no idea what to do! I am torn between the two, i know that either way i am going to hurt someone and have regrets, i just don't know which one to "choose". Please help.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 hi pajson93,
I think you are recovering from your past troubles (though not fully over them) at a faster pace than the first guy. You are starting to understand what is a valuable lesson to learn or relearn.
When children grow up in an environment where they are unconditionally loved and where they are never abused, where those around them reliably treat them well, are reliably
available to set down the essential boundaries (even good relationship need good order and essential boundaries) that focus on respect for others and
receiving respect from others - then these people go through life believing the best of others and believing others want the best for them to.
Such people tend to attract people who are good people. They would find it hard to be attracted to someone who did not share their values and attitudes.
But you were not lucky enough to grow up with all this trust surrounding you. (I was not either, but that's another story)
So it takes a long time to get to the stage where you believe truly that you deserve the best.
Besides which it takes a while before you start to recover enough to attract the people who will be good for you.
Because an untrusting person is like that for a reason. And until they have experienced unconditional love and trust they do not know what they are missing.
Before you have started healing the inner you then you are more liely to aytract and be attracted to unhealed people. You identify with them, their reactions, their motivarions, their attitudes, their way of behaving. Because even though it is unhealthy, it feels NORMAL when you are still unhealed inside.
No wonder you feel guilty about leaving the first guy on the train. Because you want to get off the first train, so you can join a different train going on a different direction with the second guy.
But your first guy has to travel a few more stops on that first train before he is ready to get off that train.
The thought that you should set aside your chance for happiness, or feel guilty unless you are willing to just just stop and watch and wait until the first guy eventually starts to see that he has to grow (and this could take a long time) is unfair.
He's pleading because he likes you as his travel companion on his healing journey. And he knows you deserve your happiness. But he's not yet 'relationship ready'. That's why he keps running away.
You are 'relationship ready'. Your second guy is also 'relationship ready'.
I bet if you asked guy two that he would assure you that he wants to be there with you for the long term.
Remember you have to look at behavior NOT words.
Your first guy has a history of running away into a relationship. (possibly not recognising what is healthy in a rationship, or not being ready for a healthy relationship) This is not healthy and it is not mature behavior. It indicates poor communication skills (running away or not dealing with issues) His life is not yet stable. (stable job? Saving money skills?) His emotional state and his reactions are still a work in progress. He has chosen to run with some people who are not healthy for him (the drugs). He recognises you as safe for him as you know his history, but I think he can also see that you have been making a concerted effort to grow. Of course he is threatened by the fact that you have the possibility of long term happiness (with another guy who can offer what he cannot - hence his pleading)
No wonder he admires how hard you have worked on growing, (and your growth has possibly been aided by the second guy providing the stability which the first guy cannot provide) The first guy may not even fully realise that he is not yet where he needs to be. And only he can get there. No one else but he can make the decisions he needs to make.
I think you are coming towards making a decision that will be in your best interest. If you are still wavering then maybe get some counselling. There is no shame in getting counselling. I have always found it useful. To me if I had a blocked drain I'd call the plumber, if I needed a new power point I'd call an electrician. Counselling is just one more specialist service that real people need (but often do not seek) in real life.
Alternatively (if you have not already) then perhaps read ''I'm OK' you're OK'' and read up on the aspects that might be relevant in ''Co- ependant'' relationships (ie with your first guy).
Thank you for your nice words. That means a lot to me. I really hope my answers are useful, but mostly one never hears. I think the statistics are that only about 10% of people ever give any ratings for their answers. Thus one often wonders if what was said was useful. So it is lovely to get good feedback. Regards Abella
A
female
reader, pajson93 +, writes (18 January 2011):
pajson93 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy trust has most certainly "taken a battering". Alot of childhood troubles, and now him and this situation. I know that I need to clear my head and work out what is best for me, but it seems i can't. Mentally or physically.
The "new guy" does have a rough idea of my past as i have skimmed over it with him, he also knows my history with self harming. When i self harmed last week i went to his house because i didn't know where else to turn. He just layed and hugged me for hours, telling me he wanted to help me and that he wasn't going to leave me like the original guy did. Me and "the new guy" have been friends for over a year, i just referred to him as a new guy because we have only begun getting close in the past month or two. He knows what is going on with the original guy. He says he understands, he says he wants to be there to help. He said even if i got back with the original guy he would still be waiting for me but i don't want to do that to him! I don't want to hurt anybody. I really feel like I cannot cope.
People who know what is going on and telling me to stay away from the original guy, and deep down i know i should and that it would probably be best, but i just can't. I can't let go. I love him so much. The thought of letting go brings me to tears. I believe everything he says and he has me hanging on his every word.
Does he mean what he is saying? Or are they just more lies? Is he going to destroy me again? Is it worth the risk? Do i ruin the thing i have with new guy?
I know i need to make a decision, and that i need to make it fairly soon because it really isn't fair on the new guy, or me. I just feel like i can't. As soon as i start thinking about it my head turns into a million pieces and i can't think straight. I love the origninal guy so much, but the new guy seems a "better bet". I am going to have huge regrets either way and i know i will. I am so lost. I wish i could see into the future and see what will happen, then i would know what to do. But i can't so i don't. Ugh, this is a big mess.
Thank you again for your reply.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 January 2011):
now i understand that you have real history with this guy. And your own pain from the past has given you serious issues.
I can understand your loyalty to this original guy.
When people have been through hell,abbreviated to= (BTH), as have both you and he, then they sometimes don't feel worthy of good times. Unconditional love and trust and acceptance is essential for
their recovery.
When faced through any new situation BTH people can react too quickly, impulsively, rather than trusting that the new situation will work out. Things go a tiny bit bad, but due to memories, they extrapolate that this tiny bad thing means it's all goibg to go wrong, again. This is because their trust has had a bettering in the past.
BTH people are a tough call for some other people. Those people who lack compassion, understanding and empathy are a real handfull for a BTH person. The BTH person needs people who can remain calm and understanding.
Doctors sometimes counsel some people to reconsider the implications if two people with the same inherited condition want to get together (re their children's chances are increased of inheriting the condition)
Now BTH fallout on a personality is NOT inherited through the genes. I am NOT suggesting that.
But there are some learned responses that are not always helpful. Those learned responses, if in both parties to the relationship, will then be seen as normal. So a child in a relarionship is more likely to adopt those traits as normal. Since those are the traits the child has consistently seen. And those are the traits the two parents have adopted to survive being a BTH person
But the adopted traits, though understandable, may not always be traits that will make for a calm life.
But broken trust and having come through a BTH childhood is a lot to get over.
I do think your new guy needs to be considered in all this. talk to him about your BTH upbringing. And how you may sometimes may have reacted in ways that were not helpful to you (self harm in the past). And that under extreme stress (for you) that you may sometimes make decisions that seem illogical to someone who has not BTH.
When two people, who have both BTH are faced with a huge problem they sometimes lack the resources to deal with it. Because BTH people already expend so much emotional energy just getting through the day entirely because they still have too much to deal with on a daily basis entirely because they are always on high alert for any possible new threat. They are more wary. They are more sensitive. They notice nuances that people who have Not BTH fail to see.
So BTH people often make use of their skills by becoming Security or Police people. They can make good researchers as they notice everything.
But two BTH people, together, are sometimes useless to each other in a crisis are together they sink together, just as quickly, down into the pit of despair.
If you had not BTH then you would see clear as a clear day that the second guy is kikely to be your best bet. On condition that he understands your baggage and your BTH tendencies. And on condition that he will stand steadfastly beside you to support you.
If you had not BTH you would run fast away from the first guy because you would (correctly) assume that there will be new crisis situations that will reoccur and that he will disappoint you again in the future, because he has not fully come to terms with himself yet.
However I understand that your empathy and understanding still leads you to believe that you can handle him and your guilt is causing you to think that you can't leave him in the lurch. Even though he will leave you in the lurch from time to sometimes.
Remember too that you are not responsible for the actions and behaviors of others. Nor making anyone change their behavior. But sometimes we have to live with the consequences (good and bad) of other people's behavior.
You need to calmly and rationally make an informed decision on what you think is in your best intrests. And keep all parties informed. Take guilt out of the decision making and decide, ''is this good for me?' Either way the decision will be a tough one.
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A
female
reader, pajson93 +, writes (18 January 2011):
pajson93 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella:
We have known each other since we were nine years old. As to why he ran away, well, he has done this to two previous ex girlfriends. He admitted that. He said he just "went off the rail", he said that he ran because what he felt for me he has never felt for anyone else. He said he was scared and he didn't know what to do. He smokes marijuana heavily and the guys he ran with also smoke it. Things were fine before he met these people at college. He has been texting me the past couple of days saying how sorry he is, how he never wanted to hurt me, how i don't deserve it, how he wants to work this out, how much he loves me and how he wants me to move in with him once he turns 18 and gets his own flat. I'm crying myself to sleep every night.
Last year i was self harming for 6 months due to family problems and last week i found myself doing it again. I cannot explain how low this is getting me. I love him so much, i just don't know what to do. Everyone is telling me to forget him and move forward with this new guy. But it's not that easy for me. This new guy is amazing and i do have feelings for him, and i know it will really hurt him if i let him down. He is genuine and a lovely, caring guy.
I am so clueless and confused. I have absolutely no idea what to do. Do i believe my childhood sweetheart and hurt this lovely new guy? Only to be hurt again? Or has he really turned around?
I am really lost.
Thank you for your considerate reply.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 January 2011):
I'm not sure about one aspect of your post. You mention that seven months ago you met your 'childhood sweetheart'. How many years have you known him in total? Since you were a little girl?
Because if you have known him since you were a little child then you would have such a lot of shared history. Especially if you were in long term care Together at the time. In the circumstances I could understand the strong bond forged between the two of you.
Has he explained why he ran away? For a whole month? Was he in danger? Frightened, overwhelmed or escaping something he could not handle? It was not very kind of him to not tell you anything, leaving you wondering, waiting, worrying about what was happening.
Now you have met a more settled guy. One whose life has less of the dramas of the first guy.
Guilt can make us make decisions that are not in our best interests. Always ready to find excuses for the irresponsible thoughtless behavior of another person. Trying to be the responsible one, always, in a relationship can become very draining.
And taking a hasty decision can result in you repenting at your leisure over an ill thought out decision.
No good person ever sets out consciously wanting to hurt anyone. But our first responsibility is to secure our own welfare and happiness. And a peaceful secure life for our own children. Then once our situation is secure we can reach out to help others.
But when the situation is reversed and people are the ones whose life is full of confronting challenges and issues then they battle to survive. As do their children. And there are limited opportunities to reach out to help others when people survive only week to week.
You will make a decision that will have long term ramifications. And you have to feel entirely comfortable with what ever you decide. It has to be a decision you can live with. Including the results of your decision.
Are you being fair to the new guy? He hasn't put a foot wrong. He's hardly had time to show you all his depth. You gave the first guy four months. To be fair would you consider giving four months to the second guy, to ensure you are being fair to both guys? And fair to yourself?
And review where your life is going.
Where do you want to be in ten years? Will it be a hard slog to get to that point in ten years, or a pleasant journey?
There are many possible people you can love and cherish in your life.
You want to choose one who you know will love and cherish you. And be there for you always.
Good luck with these big decisionS
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): You should probably be single since you are not over an ex who doesn't treat you very well. Once you are over him then you can date again or else you'll be dragging an innocent person who doesn't deserve the baggage into the mix. If you are having trouble choosing, neither is right for you.
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