A
female
age
41-50,
*nsie
writes:5 May 2008My little boy is 5 years old, his father and I got divorced when he was 1.5. I always wanted the best for my child, and at the time of the divorce I was not thinking clearly because I was in love with another man. I thought I was doing the best for the both of us at the time, but today I realize that I made a huge mistake. My son sees his father every second weekend, the time in between he is miserable and the only thing he does is talk about his dad and count the days till he goes there again. He cries for him a lot. I try being a good parent, he stays with me and my boyfriend ever since I left his dad, my boyfriend is very strict, and we fight a lot about my child, I want him to give my son more love and attention and less discipline, he says my son does not allow it, and things will get better once he is older.Everything is becoming too much for me, the boy crying for his dad all the time, work stress, me not knowing if I should be with the man I chose, my boy has speech and concentration problems, he got a new teacher today and that is already not going well. I asked my mom what to do earlier, and her answer was that we can only hope it will go better once he is bigger and can understand more. But what must he understand? That I made the wrong decision by not giving my marriage the chance it deserved because I was in love with someone else? That he is growing up a broken child because of me? It's too late to turn back now, but I have to turn somewhere, I must do something...I pray that something must happen to give me a sign10 May 2008I spend the day with my son and his father because it was school related. I realize at times when I look at the situation that he can be very wrong towards Jayden too, not just my boyfriend whom I have been fighting with the whole week now.When I get home the fight continues, he says he will never change and neither will my son (Jayden) so what must we do? I said well then it’s over between us. Later that night I got a call from a friend who spotted him kissing another woman. I thought this was my sign, I went over there, made a huge scene, altough my heart was breaking. He was so drunk and given the situation what he did was not THAT bad, I have done worse. But yes, I took this as my ticket out.Went to Jayden’s father’s house, told him this time its really over, if he wanted to share a house with me cause I cant afford it alone.The week that followed I cried over him like I have not before, we were soulmates. We talked and talked and eventually decided that I should stay with Jayden’s dad for Jayden but I should BE with him (boyfriend), and because this gave immediate relief to the pain we did it.16 July 2008I don’t know which way to go anymore. Obviously Jayden is happy to be with his dad, in the first month he did not want anything to do with me, it was just my daddy this and that, but he is easing back now.And ‘daddy’ wants to start over, I cant see myself with him like we used to be. Although living with Jayden and dad I have been seeing boyfriend on the side. We still fight a lot and he still drives me crazy, but something’s got a hold on me, I can’t let him go. And I cant start over with ex husband if he is in the picture. I don’t know what I want. How do I work this out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): if the boyfriend loves you and is your soulmate, he will do anything in his power to make sure your child is happy. if you are not ready to leave the boyfriend stay with him but let your child live with his father as he wishes. respect your child's feeling. When the child's father meets someone else sharing the child will not be a problem. things will get better for everyone. i personally don't like the boyfriend's response about yr child and how he handles it. A child should not have to make a choice but should be given a chance to choose who he wants to be with himself. Do not hang on to him and keep him unhappy by living with you and your boyfriend. Just continue to be in his life and love him and be there for him when he needs you. That's all you can do. if you go back to your husband unwillingly and not with your whole heart then you will be miserable and your child will see it in your eyes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): There isn't a middle in this situation thats the problem...
Soulmate or not soulmate, you mentioned you fight with him a lot?! Do you want to live like that and endure it as it gets worse?
I know thats exaggerating, and I can't convince you to do anything. Write a list down on paper, of every problem and some will contradict the other, so do the ones that will create the biggest difference and happiness.
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A
female
reader, Ansie +, writes (18 July 2008):
Ansie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, your advice reflects exactly what I did not want to hear. It's going to be so hard letting go, it feels like I am betraying myself for he is my soulmate...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Vow, I have empathy with you for your situation; also for your little boy; It must have been a difficult choice and move;
It seems as if things did not work out between you and the boyfriend the way you were hoping or as planned; you are fortunate that your ex, the father of your child is still there and is accommodating the child and you; even more, that he wants to try again; he is your anchor by the sounds of it; always have been; maybe somewhat in the background but he was there;
As for the boyfriend; you have experienced that it is not working; that is why you are no longer with him; why are you holding on to him?
You are going to destroy your chances of happiness with your ex for a second time, for somebody that you have been with; that you have experienced that it is not working;
I know you are not going to like what I have to say; but unfortunately I have to give you my honest opinion and advice to the best of my ability;
You have to LET GO of the boyfriend; you CANNOT have your ex and your child on one side and the boyfriend on the other; YOU are the one that's going to get hurt most;
I suggest you cut all ties with the boyfriend; you have tried it; it did not work; you have decided to go back to the ex; NOW you have to give it your best too;
You are doing an injustice to yourself, your child, your ex and even the boyfriend by "floating".
I understand that it is difficult for you to cut the ties; BUT you know that there is no FUTURE with him; you have to concentrate on trying to make things work between your ex and yourself; you are giving your little boy the hope of being a family; the least you can do is to try;
I suggest: to try and make things easier for yourself; for you to get a better perspective and to be able to deal with all this emotional turmoil; get in touch with a counselor; go for counseling; allow somebody professional and trained to help you deal with this;
Yes, it will be difficult;
But commitment is a conscious decision;
If you both want to make it work and you both put in an effort; I believe you can;
you have made the decision to go back; you have to at least try; but you have to cut from the boyfriend; otherwise, you are wasting your time; and will only hurt your child, yourself and the father.
Get professional HELP a.s.a.p;
Keep us posted.
My thoughts are with you;
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Its a very long and confusing situation...
Basically, split it up 3 parts; your sons happiness, your husbands and boyfriends happiness, and your happiness.
Now situation one is your son wants his father. You should do everything you can for your child, but you don't want to be with him again because you don't think it'll be the same. Your boyfriend you are fighting with.
Personally I think you should go with the kids father because even though you don't think it'll be the same, its 2 outa 3. It'll be happier for your child, it'll be better for you because do you want to be fighting with him for the rest of your life?!
At least try to be with him. Otherwise do something else. This can't go on and you need to do something soon. I don't know what else to say - my advice is thinning - but you need to write down all the problems, and all the solutions then do the ones that will create the most impact, changes and bring most happiness.
Sorry I can't help you more.
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