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anonymous
writes:
I am 20 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months, 10 of
which we have lived together, and we are getting married next year. He
treats me really well and I know I can trust him 100%.
Recently I saw my ex who I was with for over a year, out clubbing. We got
on really well and agreed to meet up again as friends. When we met up we
had a really nice night, like how it was when we first met, and then at the
end of the night he told me he still loves me and regrets splitting up with
me. We ended up kissing and it felt really good, and he got me really
turned on, more than my fiance does. Now he wants me to leave my fiance and
go back to him.
The problem is I don't know what to do, as I am still in love with my ex but
he didn't treat me that well when we were together, and I am scared of
getting hurt again. He cheated on me, and although I forgave him, things
were never the same, we always argued andhe used to cancel dates all the
time to go out with his mates. He insists he has changed, but I don't know
if it is worth throwing everything away I have with my fiance just to get
hurt again. My fiance is so good to me, and I love him but he doesn't turn
me on like my ex does.
Please help me as I am at my wits end, and I don't want to hurt anyone more
than necessary.
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cheated on me, clubbing, fiance, kissing, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): If someone had treated you badly while you were in the relationship, then why would you considered of going back to him? Even though he said he has changed, but do you know for that for a fact. There is a reason why he's and ex. It's not always good to dwell on the past because you tend to lose focus on what's really important right now. People might change, but you have to beware of what kind of change that is. The person you are with right now might not make you feel as passionately or as strongly, but doesn't mean feelings won't grow. Sometimes a working relationship is more than just chemistry and passion. Often, a healthy relationship requires stability and honesty. For a woman, having a sense of security and honesty should always be the first things she needs to maintain. So, ask your self: whom do you feel safe with, who can you trust more, and most importantly, what happens when that passion starts to wane. Sometimes we need to look beyond the "romantic" part, and think more about unconditional love and being with someone who can make you feel as if you're important and cherished. Good luck to you. Please don't act on impulse, but act based on your instinct and trust your heart and mind. =)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): i am in the same situation i was with my ex for 8 yearsand have a lovely little boy of six. we split up cause we just didnt get on any more. 7 months ago i met a new man who is lovely he treats me right and is a great person and can offer me everything ive ever wanted. but my ex says he still loves me is going to change his goal in life is tomake me happy and i must still have feeling for him to even think about it. but im so confused i really dont know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): well i know how you feel because i was in love with this guy and we were dating for about a year and we broke up. we ended badly but we still liked each other a lot it was obvious and we would still have these moments and there were a few get togethers too. we had a really good relationship but he "cheated" on me and since then it seemed like it just went downhill and then we eventually just broke up. he says he didn't cheat on me but i really don't know what the truth is because i wasn't there and i want to believe him because i honestly still love him and i miss him a lot. we haven't talked for a few months now and i am dating somebody who is "perfect." he is nice and thoughtful and super honest and trustworthy and loyal, but for some reason i still want to be with my ex who didn't treat me as well. me and my ex had our ups and downs but i think i would rather do that and be in love than have a great guy but not feel anything. me and my ex havent talked for a while like i said and i don't even know if he feels how i feel but if he does then i hope we can work something out because i am still in love with him and i am not even close to feeling for my boyfriend what i felt for him.
so pretty much what i'm saying is that you should really follow your heart. you might just be with your fiance because he's a great guy and treats you well but if you have stronger feelings for your ex, even though he might not of treated you as well, then i think you should get back with your ex. i mean at least he wants you back or he is willing to ask for you back. i really don't think a guy would just say he wants you back if he didn't really want you. yeah he might just be jealous but if your even having these thoughts and wonders then you should leave your fiance and tell him that you just don't feel in love with him or your not as in love with him as you have been with other people in the past.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): Wowzer, i'm kind of going through the same thing.. except. this morning, i kind of slept with my ex.. and I'm engaged! I love the guy i'm with, and i feel like ive never felt this way about anyone before. but with the Ex, he was always with his buddies, and i felt sometimes i was just around whenever he felt he "needed" me. So i left him for my fiance. We were still close friends though, and we would always talk, even when my fiance totally disagreed about it, which i now completely understand. So this morning while the fiance was at work, the ex came by to help me out with some house chores. As we were sitting down and just talking he looked at me and said "I still love you, i always have an i always will." One thing lead to another and before i knew it we were having incredible sex. and let me tell you, if my fiance even thought of the things me and the ex did, this wouldn't have been a issue. But once the ex left. I began sobbing like a 5 year old. I was felt like i was just running on hormones, yeah i still love the ex and all, but an EX is an Ex for a reason. And it hurts because I trust and love my fiance without a doubt, and I know he feels bad enough as is because he knows he wooed we away from the ex and all, but for me to go back and sleep with him!?! i feel incredibly low right now.
But the point is, just sit down and think.
Think about whats more important [[which i honestly hope is you fiance]], and do what your heart feels is right. I'm not going to type here and preach to you saying "Oh no go with the fiance!" or "OMG HOT SEX?! GO FOR IT!" because that wouldn't be right and everyone has a different mind set.
So i say, follow your heart, do what Y O U think is best.
I hope whatever decision you make is the one your happy with! :)
sincerely,
S.K.H
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): hopefully you didnt leave your fiance because your ex mite say he's changed but he most likely hasnt. this same thing happened to me recently my ex who i was madly in love with and yah i can agree turned me on said he changed but insisted on asking me for my virginity. he had left several months earlier. then he came back me not knowing i almost cried but not because i was happy to see him but because i was in a relationship with someone and i didnt want to mess it up. of course me a smart girl said no and im still with my boyfriend. the thing is a guy or girl can turn you on but does that person love you the way you love them or do they just want you in bed. that is something you need to ask yourself. do you wana get hurt again.because of 2 of my ex boyfriends it is really hard for me to love my boyfriend rite now. at this moment i am just trying to get my ex's outa my head. yah sumtimes i get those moments where i just cry my eyes out knowing that wat they did hurt me really bad. but then i think i have someone that any girl would be lucky to have. i love my boyfriend rite now and i know he would never hurt me the way my ex's did. follow your heart, not your mind, and deffinetly not your hormones. just cuz someone turns you on doesnt mean they were meant for you. i am only fifteen but ive been through alot. im still young an plan on following my heart. and you should do the same
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): why i kept on dreaming with my ex boyfried eventhough im married already? it's alwasy in my dream together with his sister.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): stick with your fiance because your ex is your ex for a reason something didn't work out, he may have changed in his eyes but maybe not the way that you need him to be there for you. And if your fiance sums all of it up then thats who you need to stick with your fiance, he may not turn you on like your ex, but love, respect and trust is what counts keep that in mind.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): I think you need to decide what matters more to you. Often women are attracted to the types of men that bring out the negativity they feel about themselves: cheating is subliminally saying 'you're not good enough for me, i can do better'.
Sexual attraction is not the most important thing, but it sounds like it matters more to your ex than you do, and thats why he cheated. Guys also cheat when they don't feel 100% about a relationship, and if he didn't then, he never will. I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for you, he may just want what he can't have, or want to get one over on your fiance whom he may have been jealous of.
Personally, I don't think love should be equated with attraction. Love is what love does. Women, and especially you, deserve to be treated with respect, openness, honesty...Your ex didn't just cheat on you, he lied to you, he was intimate with someone else, he may even have wanted to hurt you...all of which he is capable of doing again, if given the chance.
Choose your ex, choose a lifetime of worry when he comes home late, or not at all. Choose your fiance if you feel you can give your whole heart to it and not want to be with your ex.
Choose neither if you can't make that decision.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): I can understand your pain. I recently came out of a five year relationship. He was the best thing that happened to me and I was happy, but he criticized everything, towards the end he gave up hope and told me I didn't work so hard at our relationship, when all I would do is work extremely hard at it. I would pick him up from his house because he had no vehicle, I would pay for him, I dealt with 4 years of long-distance relationship with him and supported his goals of graduating. All he would say is that I would push him into marriage and stuff when he would talk about it as well. Well, it's been at least 4 months and two months after the break-up I met my current boyfriend who is at least 5 years younger than me, but he's sweet, funny and makes me forget so many things. Honestly, I've never been so turned on by anyone in my life until now. I still think about the future and marriage and things like that, but am learning to take it one day at a time. For some reason my ex comes to mind a few times here and there, about what he might be doing? does he regret anything? has he FINALLY grown up? I don't know, all I know is that he was my first everything, boyfriend, love, everything. Sometimes I feel sad like I miss our conversations, but I hate his guts at the same time.All I can do now is try and move on. I need to learn to forgive and forget him. My new boyfriend is incredibly fun and funny, I just need to enjoy it all and hope to God that things turn out good. I'm learning with every day and I feel that I musn't let my ex get the best of me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): My stuation is very similar. Myself and my ex were together for 13 years and he broke it off with me because we faught a lot over many things. I was so devestated I didn't think I was going to survive and while I was falling apart, it did not seem like he cared. We still had sex with eachother which I think onlyt confused me more. I wanted him back more than life itself and gave him every opportunity for reconciliation. He did not take those offers so i moved away. Just before I moved I met a wonderful man and we really clicked. I told my ex when he tried making a pass at me sexually that i met someone and it would not be right to have sex with him any longer. Since then I have moved in with my new BF and we live in a beautifiul little mountain town and I truly love him. My dilemma is that my ex has recentlky realized that he made a mistake and is lonely and extremely depressed now that i am seeing someone new and the chances of reconciliation are slim to none. we have been talking to eachother and I still have very very deep feelings for him, but I cannot forget the pain I went through when we broke up or the reasons why we broke up to begin with. It is for those reasons that my choice is to stay with my current BF and see how that goes. in the end, what was meant to be, will be...right? Resolutions for painful decisions and things that are worthwhile never ever come easy but the reward in the end is usually worth the price paid! Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): I am in a somewhat similar situation as you. I am 23 and engaged to the most wonderful guy in the world. He loves me more than I have ever been loved and treats me so well. I have an ex boyfriend that I dated on and off from when I was 13 to about 20. Our relationship came to a point where we knew we loved one another, but he was always lead astray by his pals and not "wanting to be tied down because if he does engages in intimate activity with another, he did not want to hurt me" I respected that but yet we continued to gravitate towards one another. However, we were always the best of friends even when we were not "together". When I was 21 I decied I was not going to sit around and wait for him to want a relationship and that if he doesn't want me completely now, he can't have me later. I moved on and met the man who I am now engaged to shortly after that he began dating a girl whome he was with for one year when he went away to college. One year after engagedment I find myself dreaming about my ex and waking up with heartache missing him and thinking of him numerous times during the day and night. It is really bothering me and I can't even think of telling my fiancee how I feel becuse It would just crush him. I love him way too much to do that to him but my feelings for my ex still linger. Right now I keep telling myself I accepted my fiancees proposal for the fact that I love him, but that only gets me by from day to day. What I will eventually do...I don't know. I know this doesn't really answer your question, but you should know you are not alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): I was in the simular situtation before. I choice to marry my new boyfriend. And i ended up cheating with my ex. After my husband found out i begged him for another chance, and he did. Then my ex moved to other country. I don't know how to contact him anymore. i still miss him from time to time, my heart ache everytime i thought of him. What i want to say is, doesn't matter who you choose to be with, you will regret later on, because the one you can't have is always better than the one you got. k
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male
reader, mark19ye  +, writes (3 July 2007):
Listen, love. I'm only 19 and I'm in love - head over heels, as we say. But think in the long run. You've got a whole life in front of you. Don't throw it away. Get married and live happy and get treated how you want. Forget about your ex. You've got a new life, okay?Mark
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2006): Please dont go back to your ex. I was in the same situation except before and after I got married, and even today he still wants me back and he's ENGAGED ALSO. Please dont go back still with the one your with now.. Things happened for a reason and you and your ex broke things off for a reason. Good enough reason to have you seeing someone else and also getting married.. Hope you make the right choice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2006): 31 and torn in NJ
Well, actually I was/am still in an extremely similar situation. And, I don't suggest you do this, but I had to be honest with them both because I figured that would scare the weakest link off and I couldn't bare the guilt. Well, that backfired! They both proposed, I gave them both back the rings and told them I could not make a choice. They are both the two most loving men I was blessed to have in my life. I really can't imagine life without either one of them as a friend at least and I was forthright about that too since at first they both insisted I stop talking to the other. That didn't work. My recent x I was w. for 4 yrs and my love for him is still strong as is his even knowing we've both tried to move on. The one I've moved on w. is someone I practically grew up with, but never involved before. He was my 'twin' bro's best friend for a long time so we are SUPER SUPER compatible, but I can't say it's he's the love of my life althought things have been super good between us. With us things just fall into place, but emotionally there is still a circle where a square should be. And the opposite happened w. my x, I felt very emotionally fullfilled, but that our relationship wasn't very stimulating otherwise. Its very confusing.
Right now, I'm going with the flow since relationships can define themselves. What I'm saying is there is no sense makin any snap decisions about anyone. I believe that someone who love you and you them unconditionally can weather this trial by fire. The desire for your x could be a flare in the night or an eternal flame, but you don't want to just drop your newbie without that valuable info. But if you find that you think you could, you might want to take that into consideration also.
I know this isn't the best insight or advise but it felt real good to share my story.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2006): I can honestly tell you that i know how you feel right now. Let me give you my advise, STAY WITH YOUR CURRENT MAN!!! It sounds like your ex was not very trustworthy, do you really want to give up the love you have for a man that will probably cheat again? You said that you guys used to fight a lot also... do you really want that? I have a feeling that if you leave your fiance for your ex, you will end up heartbroken, and lose someone you really care about. Best of luck
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female
reader, Overwhelmed +, writes (13 March 2006):
Hi, I do feel for you because I am in a simular situation. I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years, gradually he started to treat me really bad and made me upset all the time. Eventually he told me he had cheated on me and was so horrible cause he felt gulity. We broke up and after about a month we tried again but it did'nt work. I went to new york with my best friend for a week which did me the world of good, we had such a laugh and good fun which i desperatly needed. I came back quite refreshed and my x still told me he didnt want me cause he didnt want to settle down and wanted to go out whenever he wanted with his pals and not to have anyone to answer to. I told him I needed a boyfriend and not to call me and i changed my mobile number. This was a week before my birthday and 2 weekd before christmas so the timing was'nt exactly great. He didnt call or track me down i.e at work or home and i was devestated.After a week I met a friend of my friend and we clicked. He took me out for my birthday and i really enjoyed myself and we have been togther ever since. I heard my x had met with someone too which i thought was strange cause he told me he didnt want a girlfriend. He called my house christmas eve and i told him i had met someone and ever since he has not stopped calling me wanting me back. This has been for 3 months now. I have met up with him a couple of times to see how i felt but i still leave confussed cause i dunno if i can trust him again. My new boyfriend is so lovley to me and listens to me and how i feel about the whole thing and has even suggested to me to go back with my x if i feel this bad. But it just makes me feel so gulity, confused and even more upset cause i cant understand why i still love my x after all he has done to me and not falling for my new boyfriend?I feel angrey with myself cause i feel i am messing around with two people's feelings but i cant sort my own feelings out?So what i have done is taken 'time out'. I have told my new boyfriend that i need some space and my x. I still talk to them but at the end of 2 weeks im gonna see who i actually miss the most and feel more for. Whatever happens on there part in the mean time is a chance im taking. My new boyfriend is going to spain for a 4 days and i feel im missing him already but i wanna feel this. I wanna see how much i do feel for him and absence makes the heart grow fonder and i just wanna see who its more fonder for? In the mean time im gonna work on myself and think about what I really want.You may feel more turned on by your x cause you fancy him more? But looks aint everything and can be deceatful? I think you should also take some time out to sort out your feelings.The more time you spend in your fiancee's company the more you will compare im to your x and think of him. Being away from both may help you to decide which one you miss and think about. Love is such a strange thing, think about your self for a while and sort your feelings out. It may seem harsh on your fiancee but im sure he would rather be with you when you are only thinking of him and not your x so either way it will be worth it in the end.Good luck
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female
reader, nofrills +, writes (11 February 2006):
 What are you thinking?You have a damn - near perfect guy in your life who was good enough to accept a marriage proposal from,now he is suddenly not good enough.You must stop thinking with your ovaries and start thinking with your brain, girl!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2006): Well, I honestly think you are asking for heartbreak. You need to either leave your ex alone and concentrate on your new life, or risk heartbreak with you ex...see, I still love my ex, but we broke up for reasons not even related to us. Yet I have moved on with another man, i'm engaged also. Please, think of the fact that he cheated. Once a cheater always a cheater.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2004): Hi There i know that feeling i'm going though that at the moment my x
boyfriend trested me really well when we were together, but then one day out
of the blue told me he did'nt love me and walked out, he then treated me
really really badly while all the while saying he wanted me back, well since
then i have met someone else and my x has now changed he is seriuos when he
says he loves me and wants me back and i know that, but no matter what has
happened between us or you and what is happening now, the fact is they were
both out of order to us and did'nt treat us with the love and kindness we
deserve, and more importantly respect, i don't think we can ever go back, i
think everyone has a bit of you only want what you can't have and i think
they both have it, even if they truely believe at this moment in time they
love you and would change for you i think they will return to acting how
they have acted, all i can really say is i think you deserve to stay with
your fiancee the one who makes you so complete you have agreed to spend the
rest of you life with him,
if you chose the wrong thing though don't beat yourself up we all learn from
our mistakes, noone can tell you who you love but the thing of getting more
turned on by your ex, is partly to do with the danger feeling it was
something you should'nt do so it makes it exciting.
just be true to yourself i think you should stay with your fiancee though,
as you have to ask yourself it took a year for him to relize he loved you???
he treated you badly to start with???? and he hurt you, start afresh with
someone where all the trust is there to begin with, and its a clean slate as
if you go back to your ex, the thought he has already done it so can agin
will tear you apart and you will never allow yourself to be completely happy
with him, as you will always be wondering when his bad side will surface
again.
it is hard and i worry if i have made a mistake telling my x no, but then i
think of how happy my new man makes me and nothing can compare to that, good
luck and let us know how you got on, remeber live your life for you not for
others
c
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