A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been having an affair for 5 months because my boyfriend has not fulfilled certain needs however I have stayed with him to try and hold my family together as he is the father my boys (17 and 15) has known for 7 years. There has been alot of 'water under the bridge' so to speak, alot of bad stuff has happened between us and although I love him in a companionship way, I think any romantic love feelings towards him were gone a long time ago, I dont fancy him anymore and I cant let go of the past and forgive him for the bad things he has done to me.. 5 months ago I met someone who totally rocked my world, and I think I've fallen in love with him. Since March I have been doing all I can to try and see him when I can. He lives some distance away from my town but I have met up with him when I could. I know I should leave my current partner but I do benefit from him being around, and I fear upsetting my sons and I dont want them to hate me for leaving my current partner who has been in their lives for 7 years, and tearing my family apart. My sons benefit from him being in their lives, and I know that if I ended it with my partner, that he will not bother with my boys anymore. But if I choose to leave him and go to be with my lover, I know for sure that a relationship wouldnt work and I could be making a big mistake as there is nothing that this guy can offer me or my family. He excites me and I feel intense sexual attraction towards him but apart from that he has nothing to offer me or my boys. He cannot fulfill the needs that my current partner can. I feel utterly torn. Do I go with my head, which is do the right thing by my family, or with my heart which wants to put my happiness first, even though it means taking a risk?.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): Re building 7 years with someone different is harder than you think. A new person would not just slot in to your life and all the practical aspects have to remain - despite the excitement and passion. If there is even a glimmer of hope that you could re-kindle some of the 'fire' with your existing partner I would try that first and not just for the children's sake (though stability is very important of course for them) but you owe it to yourself to see if the love you once felt can be built up again. It takes effort on both sides but it can be done. I know from my own experience that the grass can appear greener but it wasn't. I agree with the other post that taking some time out even for a couple of days if you can manage it on your own with no contact can put things into perspective. Sometimes also no contact with the 'other' guy for a month can also make you see. At the moment you are distracted and this is not helping your decision. You need to clear the deck so to speak to be able to do that with confidence. Just one other thing.... if you keep pushing your partner away with the idea of this 'other' man then don't be surprised if one day he gets fed up and just leaves you or finds someone else. You could end up on your own.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): Unfortunately, you're priority is your kids. Think what is best for your kids and yourself. Thank goodness you're not married but you have tough choices to make from now on. Its good that you are aware of the issues you have at home, now you need to find a solution and work through it. The way I see it, you have these options:1. Stay single - Be independent. Get a job to be financially self-sufficient. Leave your boyfriend but keep the relationship with the kids. Focus on your kids and nor on romance. They will love you for it. CONS: not having a partner in life but you will be PROUD of yourself for surviving this.2. Keep your family together - Be independent still BUT work through your relationship. Spend time together. Bring back the romance. Write your love story to recall the times you were once in love. CONS: it will be a hard battle BUT the best ideal solution and gift to your kids.3. Wait for the right man - Be independent. Leave your boyfriend but make arrangements for the kids to stay in touch with their dad. Don't get involved with another man until you have straightened your life out - financially, emotionally, spiritually. Now is not the time to find be with a guy since it will only end up in an unhealthy relationship which your kids DON'T deserve. CONS: it may take years for you to be ready but it may be worth the wait. No matter what you do, DONT do something you will regret in the end. Don't have random sex or affair with a man just because you are attracted to him. You need to have respect for yourself. In the end it will give you strength and you'll be proud of yourself for not acting on impulse. We CANNOT control how we feel BUT we CAN control what we do about it. Open up to your boyfriend. Discuss where your relationship is at now and go from there. You may be pleasantly surprised. I'm going through a similar thing but I've decided to tell the person I just met ar work for 2mos. that I want to be with him and my husband that I want to leave him. I haven't left yet bec. My husband wants us to make it work and I agreed to try but it's hard because I feel the other man is the one for me. There were several signs throughout our relationship that i should have taken as a hint to leave him but i didnt. right now, I decided to stop seeing him (we never kissed but held hands and hanged out only) and though its painful, I think it's not fair to be with him either if I see him as an escape from my failing marriage. He agreed and we will meet again a year from now to see where things will fall. Its hard bec. My husband is like a bestfruend to me and been together on/off for 10yrs (2 as married) but I've never had this kind of connection ever until I met this guy. He really feels like the one for me but were both using our heads and not acting on impulse. So we'll see. FYI. I was already planning to leave my husband before I met him but my husband begged me to stay and make this work which I agreed to try one LAST time. Good luck! Let us know what happened later.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 Sometimes, that itch that we experience between our legs saps all the logical thinking "Mojo" out of our craniums. THAT seems to be what you have described....
Go.. spend 40 days out in the desert, thinking about your plight..... and, I promise, when you return, you will know the answer to your query.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): Stay with your current partner and go and fall 'in love' with him again. If it is 'water under the bridge' and you are actually now a happy/content family....keep your family together. There is nothing, nothing more precious in the world than the family unit. You will not be able to fall in love with your current partner till the other man is totally and utterly out of your life and heart. Don't give your 'family life' away for the intense sexual feelings you have. I know they are incredible and strong, and almost magical, but it is chemistry, and eventually they will pass. The sooner you end it, the easier it will be to end it. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to end it. One of the most heartbreaking things to see as a mother, is to see your child heartbroken. Don't break your kids heart, they are still young. Try to fix your family first.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 You also took a risk with your partner so anyone you get with would come with a risk. If your lover is not on the same page with you, like you are just a sexual partner and nothing else then there isn't anything to risk anyway. You can't honestly believe that you can turn him into a boyfriend. Your world is torn between two men, and you couldn't see that there are other men who are more suitable for you. Before I tell you to keep looking for other men, I am wondering how your partner is coping with the lack of sex and what solutions he had come up in order for you to forgive him. He is going to find it hard to forgive you too as he knows of the affair. You both made mistakes in the relationship so it would be almost impossible to mend. A five month affair is a long one, it shows that you are really ready to move on. You just need the right guy and the right time for you to break up. If you are able to move on from both guys, then start all over, that's what I call a risk.
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