A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, I'm really in need of some impartial advice. I am 24 and I have been going out with a girl for over 3 and a half years now. Due to our locations and the hours we work we have only been able to see eachother once a week for the whole time we have been together with the exception of the odd week off together and ocassionally 2 days a week if shifts/hours changed. This suprises many people but we have become used to it and it suited us fine. We also spoke on the phone and internet numerous times a day. We have always argued a lot, I think thats because we are both quite up tight and arguementative, especially her - she will start an arguement over the smallest things sometimes. Recently however, we have been arguing more and I hate it. As I said, we only see eachother once a week and I really don't want to spend it arguing and looking at her miserable face. Now most weeks we argue and I get wound up to the point where I say to myself "Right, thats it, I can't take this anymore... In the morning I am going to end it!", yet when the morning comes she is always really appologetic and I always forgive her. However, I feel the spark has gone from our relationship now and we are just together because of convenience and routine. Although I do care a lot about her and I know she cares about me and we have had some great times together. I have always thought I loved her and I told her that, but now I am not so sure. I'm not even sure what love is now, if it exists or if its just a word...I have cheated on her in the past. Probably mainly because I am a youngish horny male that likes a drink.. I know its bad, I wont try and defend myself I'll just state the facts - its always been after a lot of drink, its never been regular, and its never meant anything and its only happened a few times. Maybe because I only see her once a week I am lacking that sort of fulfillment, maybe I am just greedy, maybe I am just too horny?! I don't know why I do it. Anyway, in the last few weeks I've met this other girl. I've known of her for quite a while but only really started talking to her in the last few weeks, and one night I decided to get her number (from facebook) and text her. We hit if off straight away and we send quite a lot of texts over the next week or so, then on Sunday we were both at a party and we got talking and we got on really well. She came back to my place and we ended up kissing. I wasn't that drunk although I'd had a bit, but the difference this time was that it did seem to mean something. It felt really special and for the next few days we texted pretty much none stop and she also said it felt special for her too. She knew I had a girlfriend and we both felt really bad about it but agreed that I needed to do something... So...Yesterday I decided to end it with my girlfriend. I knew it was going to be hard and she would be upset but I thought that with the way she has been lately, maybe she was considering it too... So I told her to her face that I wasn't happy in the relationship anymore and I needed some time apart to work out what I really want. At first she seemed to take it well albeit a little upset, but then later on when it sank in, she was absolutely inconsolable. I have never felt so bad in my life, seeing her heart break because of me. It broke my heart just seeing her so upset, and now seeing her so upset and how I reacted has got me thinking to myself whether I have done the right thing. I have told her for now that I need time, and she is holding on to the hope that I will take her back, I want to, but I also really want to give it a shot with this other girl. I know it sounds sick and greedy of me but I actually want them both and I hate that, obviously I can't have them both, so how do I decide?I have 2 over powering images stuck in my head, one of my girlfriend (ex) crying her eyes out with chapped lips and puffy eyes and the other of this new girl with her cute smile and her hypnotic eyes. I feel so guilty and lost. To make it worse, my girlfriend (ex) is not from this country and she has nobody here without me and I feel desperately sorry for her.Well thats about it. Right about now is a life changing decision. Its about time, I haven't made one for a while, but I really don't know what to do or how to work out what I want... This is probably too long for anyone to bother reading and probably too difficult for anyone to answer but at least it feels a bit better to get my thoughts and feelings written down. I am going to take a few days before I make any decisions so in the meantime I'd be very grateful if anyone can offer an outsiders perspective on whats going on here and maybe try and rationalise things for me. Also I am not very well at the moment, I have a cold as well as another illness for which I am awaiting blood tests for to see if its anything serious... So I'm struggling to think clearly at the moment, or even think at all to be honest! Thanks in advance for anyone who has a shot at this...
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 Sounds like she was in it for the drama. She wanted what she thought she could not have (because of the other girl). As soon as you became available, you became "too attainable" for the level of drama she was looking for.
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings have gone from bad to worse! Me and the new girl were getting on great... Texting everyday, she told me that she really liked me and she wanted to see me and that she hasn't felt that way for a long time... Then a few days ago she just stopped textin me. I've send a few messages asking if she is ok and if I have done anything wrong - no reply. Then last night I saw her on facebook so I sent her a message on there asking the same thing and she just said "I'm just really tired. x". So I replied asking if I could call her for a minute and no response. Not heard from her all today either. I'm feel really bad about it. I'm so confused, how can she go from saying she really likes me to not wanting to know me in the space of a week? I've read all the texts I sent her to see if I said anything that might be taken the wrong way... On the contrary, I said nothing but nice things to her. Why could this happen? The ex is still begging me to give it another go and my mind is in a complete mess at the moment :( HELP!!!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (17 September 2009):
Yes you can date two women at that same time. Best be honest about it though. Until you find someone that you would want to build a life with, and have tested her for that level of commitment, it is best to date as many people as possible to make sure you find the right one.
I did some lectures on Alternative Relationship Choices and Managing Dating Multiple people, and you can listen to some of my lectures as free previews on my website.
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Well I have some time on my hands so I've read it. Only you can make this decision. To me it sounds like your relationship with your girlfriend may have ran it's course. You say you have cheated on her a few times and now you've started something with another girl. Personally I think if you really love and care for your partner you wouldn't even consider cheating. I wouldn't. I think it's the greatest disrespect you can show someone. I think you done the right thing to leave her. As your head's all over the place and you don't know what you want, it's probably best to be single so you can work out how you really feel. As for this other girl, it could just be that you think the grass is greener because things aren't so good with your girlfriend, and it's just a fling or it could work out and she could be the love of your life. You just don't know. It's up to you to decide. I would go with your gut feeling. But don't string them both along. If you really care about a girl, be true and faithful to her at least.
I'd suggest being single for a while. Then you can see how you really feel. Good luck.
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