A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I guess there's a lot to this question, but I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me. Background: I'm 15 and I'm being raised by my super-Catholic (like, Traditional Pre-Vatican II Catholic, Latin-Mass-attending) Nana El and Pawpaw Pete. They're my mama's parents and she gave me up when I was two. That's a long story, but she claimed my dad forced himself on her and was abusive and that she was trying to leave him (she was doing drugs with him) when she found out she was pregnant. He did have a record and some of it was apparently assault, so even if he wanted to, he could NOT have taken full custody. She left him anyway and tried to say she didn't know my father, but Nana and Pawpaw knew his rights and made sure he knew. Mama wanted to give me up and she couldn't do that without his permission. His dad was absent in his life and his mom (Gamma Trice) was on disability and couldn't raise me. Nana and Pawpaw took TEMPORARY custody of me for supposedly two years, but had Mama and me live with them. Mama was supposed to do all the nursing and caring for me and let me call her Mama, but the only difference was that Nana and Pawpaw had the final say in whatever went on with me and made sure Mama didn't go anywhere without being chaperoned. They made her stay in the Church (which I don't agree with), paid for all her stuff so she wouldn't have to work, and had her go to college online so she could get a two-year degree and get on her feet and go to rehab. Well, Mama got her degree and a job and she was saving money to get us an apartment because it was coming up where she could take custody of me back. Nana and Pawpaw didn't like the idea of her moving out with me because they thought she'd do the same thing when she moved out with me as she did when she was supposed to go to college the first time: they thought she would party and hang around too many men. Also, we live in a triplex and there was room in one of the upstairs apartments where Mama and I could live and they could keep a close eye on her. Well, Mama went and quit her job, moved to another city, and apparently lied and said she was homeless and abused so she could get in a shelter. They all believed her and it took Nana and Pawpaw until I was seven years old to track her down. By then, they had custody of me, so she basically gave me up. She never even showed to court. So I've been living with them ever since and they are really, really strict. I hate it sometimes, because I am home-schooled and I have to SNEAK to use a library computer to write on here and on other sites. I am VERY lucky I get that chance because they are only NOW letting me go to places alone (I can walk or get dropped off). Half the time, Nana or Pawpaw sits next to me when I'm online at the library to make sure I don't go on weird sites so I had to type this on Word and copy and paste. Not sure how long it will take me to get to read responses. We attend a Traditional Catholic church and the ONLY people my age I'm allowed to associate with are people who are being raised like me. They're against any music that isn't basically church music (even Christian rock), and against any books or movies that aren't approved by the Church. We have ONE TV and they don't even watch the news around me and they don't get the news because they think it's too liberal. We only listen to Catholic or Christian or conservative radio stations. So I know I'm real sheltered.Well, I DO have friends that I've met through homeschool-association people and some kids from my Catechism classes. They're a lot less sheltered than I am, so they try to help me out. I also have some cousins Nana and Pawpaw let me talk to and they're all less sheltered than I. They're trying to help me get a boyfriend. I have asked about boyfriends and dating before, and Nana told me that in High School (she graduated in 1960), she would go on a date with two different guys in a week and she made it sound fun! Well, I did get crushes on guys but it was more like I just thought they were cute or funny and they were nice to me. These friends (I literally only have three people I can hang out with even, so I really don't have friends) keep trying to badger me into who I think is cute. I blush and get embarrassed and flustered easily, so if they kept saying some guy's name over and over, and I keep saying "No, I don't like him like that", they think I'm lying because I stutter and blush. Then, the guy hates me and starts being really mean to me. My friends say, "Well, go for someone in your league." Also, Nana wouldn't let me shave my legs or anything until last year and even though she gave me swim lessons up until I turned ten (and a refresher swim class last year), she got mad when she caught me shaving my private area. If I am in the bathroom for more than five minutes, she thinks it's fair to walk in. She thinks I wash my hair one day, shave my calves and armpits the next, and that's it. I am not allowed make up or perfume or to cut my hair. I told her that hair hangs out of my bathing suit and I get made fun of (that was why I was shaving) and she grounded me from razors. If I want to shave, she has me put on a tank top and shorts ONCE A MONTH and shave in the kitchen. She told me it was motivation to keep my clothes on. She won't let me try tampons because she thinks it's like "the M word" (yeah, she said that)Anyway, she's glad I have friends ("good" friends) and she trusts their parents. They're teaching me more about the world but think I have a LOT to learn. I HATE being naive and clueless, but Nana and Pawpaw feel that it's good to be clueless b/c they don't WANT me to fit in. They think that if I don't understand something or if it's not sanctified by the Church, then I should "steer clear". Well, Pawpaw stays out of everything.Anyway, my friends keep promising me we'll go to the mall "just us girls" or to a movie, but before that they put makeup on me or loan me clothes and then they "accidentally" run into some boy and then leave me alone with him. They go really far to get around my Nana and Pawpaw. One time, two of my friends promised to take me out to eat (I'm not allowed to have cash of my own and if I want to go out with friends, Nana or Pawpaw or one of their friends drops me off and picks me up. I'm also not allowed to have a cell phone. If I want money to eat out or something, they make me earn it through extra chores). I was looking forward to it, but after Nana finally left, my two (female, obviously) friends' boyfriends showed up with this other guy. We went to order, I wanted to order jalapeno poppers, and then one of my friends interrupted and demanded that we go to the bathroom. I told her I didn't have to go and she called over her shoulder to the new guy that I would be ordering a salad with chicken. I told her that wasn't what I wanted (I'm NOT allowed to have fried food at home and I wanted something different) and that if they ordered for me NOW, I wouldn't be able to pay. In the bathroom, my friends told me I was being stupid and that (a) the guy wouldn't want to kiss me if I ordered jalapeno bites (b) he would think I was a pig and (c) they wanted to make sure HE paid for it because otherwise he would think I just wanted to be friends. That was the POINT! I didn't want to kiss him and I just wanted to be friends.I'd given guys chances before (which meant going around Nana and Pawpaw and getting in BIG trouble [I got ONE gum fine in my life in fourth grade and I got four punishments (1) $10 fine (2) detention for lying about chewing gum and swallowing it {I didn't have gum! I was just with people who did} (3) getting grounded for getting in trouble at school and (4) friends shunned me for getting THEM in trouble], I was told that I was not allowed to have a boyfriend. Not until I got my college degree and a job in my field and that I was to stay home until I was married. I'm also never going to be allowed a car and I don't know how to ride a bike b/c they didn't want to let me learn or have one. Anyway, when I did give guys chances, my friends always made sure I was left alone with him and ALL he wanted to do was kiss. I HATE THAT! Especially in public, it's really embarrassing and what if someone sees me? They'll tell Nana and Pawpaw. Sometimes when I go out with friends, I keep seeing people who know them (it's a small town) and I think maybe they're sending people out to spy on me.Anyway, what is wrong with me that I don't want to kiss guys? My friends are telling me they think I'm gay and pretty much said they'd tell my grandparents they thought so if I didn't give the guys a chance. But when I said I just wanted to date people (you know, because I'd just be dating and not in a relationship and I wouldn't HAVE to kiss someone I wasn't in a relationship with), they told me that's what sluts do. So what is wrong with me? I think it's gross to kiss guys and I feel really uncomfortable getting alone with them because the air feels STRANGE (hard to explain) around guys sometimes and I hate when they do me up because guys approach me, and ... I don't know. I mean, it's not just because I want to be "good" and do what Nana and Pawpaw tell me. It's because I want to have friends and I'm missing out. But I'm NOT INTERESTED in guys. I feel real let down when my friends don't want to hang out like they promise and then they talk about how they bonded and had fun and I have to pretend I was there. I feel like they're trying to get rid of me! I know they think I'm really dumb about things (I know I am), but I can't help it!What do I do?
View related questions:
christian, cousin, crush, drugs, money, moved out, swallow, tampon Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2015): Personally, I think you need to focus on your education, ignore your friends (or find new ones), then get a job and save up to move out when you're old enough - *then* you can worry about guys - it's really not worth it at your age.Yes, your grandparents are probably a bit stricter than they should be, *but* most of what they are saying is important to pay attention to. You really don't need a boyfriend right now and should seriously consider finding new friends who don't pressure you into things.As for shaving, you don't really need to - I know it feels like everyone's doing it, but hair is natural and people are less interested than you'd think. When you get the chance to shave once a month, take it, but it's really not as major as the media and peers make out.My boyfriend and I never got stress-free childhoods and we're both legally adults now, which is unbelievably stressful. Treasure it while you can; you'll probably raise your future kids differently (if you have any), but focus on the things that truly matter, whilst you have no other responsibilities to worry about.Also, on the guys front, I didn't have a boyfriend or first kiss until I was 19, you've got plenty of time.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (17 July 2015):
i enjoyed reading your post as it sounds like your grandparents are really trying to bring you up properly and they are doing their best for you. They love you so much and they want you to be safe and happy. Also much of your post sounds familiar to me as my Mom was an older parent (only a couple of years younger than your Nana and Im 26 now) and she had similar rules. We are also Catholic.
I agree with the first and third posters but I dont think you are feeling sorry for yourself. You are not comfortable with what your friends are trying to get you to do and they are wrong for pressurising you. You are young and you dont need to kiss boys if you dont want to. I think it would be a great idea to join a Catholic/Christian youth group where you could meet other young people who you may have more in common with.
I think it is great that you dont want to blindy follow orders from your friends, if something feels wrong then there is a reason for that. Maybe suggest to your Nana and Pawpaw that you would like some new hobbies? They may know about a suitable youth group or their friends would. Im sure they would be glad to see you meet new friends.
Regarding shaving, really the hair on your legs is never as noticeable to others as it is to you when you are looking at it up close. Try not to worry about it. Feel free to come back and post again, I wish you and your grandparents all the best. God bless :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): You don’t want to be forced into anything you don’t like or want to do.That is a basic human right that everyone knows and agrees about. Your friends aren’t doing you any favours.No wonder your grandmother is worried for you. It is kind that they care enough about you to take you to and pick you up from events but I’m not particularly impressed with your friend who are trying to encourage you into being like them.Being Catholic is not the worst thing in the world but being young and confused is difficult especially if other people try to label you without knowing much about you. At least you have a soul and know the basics of spirituality but don’t be so hard on yourself. You are not less of a person because your life is different. Many others started life with exactly the same restraints and restrictions. You could try to join a catholic youth movement. Many many young people are Catholics all over the world, from Africa to Portugal, Spain, Italy and Malta to name a few and guess what it doesn’t kill them.Did you know Jesus went through all sorts of trials and torments and travelled and met all kinds of people and it was his entire influence that broke the cruel regime of the Romans? I don’t want you to suffer like he did but I don’t want you to despise yourself either. Your Nan and Grandpa want to love and protect you until you reach about 18 so that they feel they have done their best for you which is a kind thing really but as you need to feel you have some control over your life I think you need some hobbies. Like acting, theatre, painting, making films, writing novels, anything that is useful for later in life.All this being set up for premature sexual activity must be very annoying so have confidence in yourself and tell your friends you’re not free sometimes and join a go karting club or similar where the boys are more interested in an activity than learning to kiss because it’s more fun and less hassle in the long run.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): You could try to contact your mum, he escaped as she couldn't live under their ridiculous rules, she might be able to help. Once you're finished school and are of age they have no power to keep you, you don't need to stay until marriage, look into escape plans,maybe find a job or apply to univerities/colleges and find part time jobs.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): Right. 1) You don't need to shave. I know you probably feel like everyone is staring at your hairy legs, but trust me, theyre not. As you get older, you will realise that it really doesnt matter. 2) Your "friends" treat you like crap. Find some nice religious friends that understand you. These ones dont care about you, they dont respect and theyre laughing at you.3) Listen to your grandparents. You might not appreciate how they're raising you, but they've lived life and know a hell of a lot more than you do. And they do everything they do because they love you, so try to show them some gratitude.4) Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Lots of people are sheltered by their parents/gaurdians. You arent the only one.5) Stop sneaking around. If you sneak around, it looks like you've got something to hide which will just make your grandparents more wary. I'm sure you were looking for advice on how to get away from your grandparents, but you dont need it. You need them. They love you and they are trying to mind you and protect you. You dont need to grow up any faster, so just cherish the moments you have as a loved, cared for, safe, protected little girl.
...............................
|
