A
male
age
41-50,
*rekd
writes:My ex and I broke up 4 weeks ago after 3.5 years together. We were very much in love and talking about marriage and kids just a month before the breakup. We had a heated arguement over a college female friend she wanted me to stop talking to. She knew nothing was going on but said the girl had a crush on me and wanted her out of my life. I agreed to not talk to her anymore. The night before the breakup I was contacted by my college friend and we talked for about 30 min. I told her we shouldn't talk anymore because it was hurting my current realtionship. She agreed but was sad. The next night my ex found out that I had talked to her, I tried to explain, but she was really angry. We started saying things to hurt the other and it escalated into a really ugly shouting match while she was gathering her possessions to take with her for good. She told me that night that I really hurt her more than I know. We talked three days later and started making some progress but we were still hurt. She admitted to going out with one of her guy friends from work the night before and they hooked up. I told her that hurt me but I forgave her. We made plans the next day to hang out but the next day when I called her she was very upset and wasn't sure if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. For the next week she gave me the "im confused and lost, don't know what to do" speech as I tried to let her know that if our love is for real we need to learn to communicate better and work this out. At the end of that week she showed up to my house unannounced and we officially broke up, she said she didn't want to work at it and was ready to move on. She was very awkward and wouldn't make eye contact with me. She said she just wanted friendship...I didn't want to talk to her the next day and she texted me 3 times and called 3 times but I was hurt and ignored them, I was out with a guy friend for some company that night. She came over to my house while I was gone, let herself in with her key, and took her remaining items and left a note saying: call me if you need me.She texted me the next day wanting to talk. We talked but it was about 5 minutes long and she was trying to hurt me by downgrading me. I told her no firends and I didn't want to talk to her anymore ever. She texted me after the phone call that he knows it hurts to talk but I mean alot to her even though we are going our separate ways. That night she sent me a confusing Email that she wasn't sure if we made the right decision and had mixed feelings. She wasn't interested in dating anyone at the time. She said if it was meant to be it will be and she will forget the bad things in our relationship and rmember to good so she can have fond memories of me. I responded 2 days later saying roughly the same I have mixed feelings too, but need to concentrate on myself before I can figure out my personal life. We had no contact for 3 days until I texted her monday of this week "how r u today?" She promptly responded and we texted for abit about jobs and such. She got in contact with me the next day and I asked her if she wanted to talk. She agreed and we talked for about half an hour. We talked lightly about superficial stuff for the most part about being good friends and letting the past be the past and if we are to be good friends we need to forgive and forget. She then mentions about going out alot with her "new" friends. I said I was doing the same. Then she wanted me to tell her when I start dating again. I agreed and asked if she had a new flame. She said she was just hanging out. I asked if giving it another shot had crossed her mind in the past few weeks. She said yes, but not now, that's not what I want anymore. She then became very cold and distant (could be a front) and actually started doing her taxes while we were on the phone during this time! How rude! I had enough and realized it was time to get off the phone quick. I texted her later it was good talking to her. She texted me the next night (this Wed.) saying it was good talking to me too. We have had no contact since. Now my question is: I don't want to be friends now. I was ok with it at the time but not now. She knows that down deep and neither does she--we still care for each other and couldn't bear to think about each other with another person yet. I want her back now that I have realized that we are making a mistake by not trying to work things out but if I tell her it will push her away as she seems to be intent on moving on for good now. I want to give her some space to gather her thoughts but I don't want to seem like I don't care anymore by not responding to her. It's making me feel like she is having her cake and eating it too right now. I could move on if I wanted to but right now I don't want to. I've heard and read all this no contact stuff and wonder if it would be good for both of us? There are so many mixed signals in such a short amount of time! I am very confused and was looking for some unbiased eyes to help me make a good decision during such confusing times. Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): Your ex is a very insecure and jealous person, who does not trust you to even talk to a friend that is female. And if the relationship was serious, she would NOT just give up on you so quickly, or have these "mixed" feelings about you. If you were so important to her, and all you did was talk to a friend, she would not just go out and "hook up" with a guy to get revenge.That is extremely vindictive. There are some underlying issues at hand. If she is acting like this, then your relationship was already on it's way to being over. You are better off without her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): U guys have been together for almost 4 yrs & after reading this it felt that perhaps the relationship lacked trust & understanding. Both of you are impulsive & take decisions & say things to each other that are hurtful & mean. At the end of day no one's really got hurt except both of u, not the other girl your ex gf is insecure of or the other guy - ur ex gf hooked up with, it was both of u. Certainly take some time to think over your relationship again - arguements & fights do happen however breaking up & patching up is not a game if it happens over n over again - after sometime you just wont take this very seriously. So both of u identify whats impt to u. If u still want to be only with her & if u think she is the one - tell her - dont think whether she thinks the same way - coz thats not impt. What is impt is how u feel - let her express herself in her own time & way. Give urself space. Most importantly jealousy, putting each other down, hurting each other is not impt - but love, trust, understanding & friendship is impt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): I'm confused too with the whole thing. You need to talk to her but you have to be careful not to upset her. Do this simple activity. Both of you write down on a piece of paper and list down the things that you are unhappy about and your expectations from the relationship. However both of you should your temper in check because something ugly may come out. Straighten things out by discussing what you both feel about it calmly. After that, write down the things that you both love about each other and what both of you love about the relationship. This will help filter out the mixed signals and get things straight to the point without the messy arguments. It will also determine what both of you want to do with the relationship.
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