| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and i have had a few arguments recently. Each time, it comes back to 'where is this going' (our relationship). We have been together for 3+ years but on a few things we can't agree on, so each time, he always brings it back to where is it going, whats the point in being together - and from what i gather it is because i can't go along with what he wants. Each time he has brought it up, we usually go to sleep with out speaking. We dont scream or get nasty, we are just talking but just not agreeing. He often brings it up while we are in bed. He often gets up and sleeps in another room. In the morning, he will come back into the bed and cuddle up next to me and often try to be intimate. He will say i love yous etc and plan for stuff a few days or for the weekend. I dont understand it. One minute he is telling me that he doesn't know where we are going (for example because i wont quit my job and move to another city with him) and the next he is cuddling up to me and saying i love you. Its making me more and more confused. When we do argue he does say pretty hurtful things, and then the morning comes and he expects it all to be forgotten. Whats the best way to handle it?I want us to stay together and have a future but get doubts when he says these things. Its like if i dont do want he wants, he will leave. (these arn't simple things either, its life changing things but he can't or wont commit to marriage or something like that)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): whether he intends it or not, he's being emotionally abusive because he's taking you on a roller coaster ride and undermining your trust and sense of security in the relationship. one minute he's hinting that he's going to break up with you, the next minute acting as if everything's all fine. Then back to the first case again later. This is a very bad way to conduct oneself not just in intimate relationships but in any type of relationship where there is supposed to be interdependency. Imagine if he were at work, and one day he's hinting to his boss or team-mates that he's thinking of quitting (thereby leaving them in a lurch if they need to find a replacement quickly) then next day acting as if all is good and he's part of the team for the long haul and saying they can depend on him, then next day again back to hinting he is going to quit... This kind of behavior is just unacceptable. In the real world, he would probably get pre-emptively fired for this kind of behavior, or else his team mates might start leaving him out of the loop so they dont' have to depend on such an unreliable person. In other words, it causes the relationship to grow distant.
it sounds to me like he has really bad relationship or communication skills, he does not know how to resolve conflicts. whenever there is conflict and he's not getting his way all he knows to do is either to threaten break up or to seriously consider breaking up for real. then after he's calmed down, or perhaps when he wants some action, then he sets that aside and uses you.
you shouldn't stand for this. He may not be yelling at you but flip floppers do a lot of damage to people by keeping them confused and off-balance. you need to call him out on his flip flopping and demand that he develop new better ways to work with you on resolving conflicts. if he doesn't, I would seriously re-evaluate this relationship because without trust and a sense of emotional stability the answer to his question of 'where is this going' is going to be "nowhere".
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Its time he needs an ultimatum. If he wants your full comittment to this relationship as he seems to, then you need his. good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): Well, there you have it . Tell him you want a compromise, you'll move only after the two of you are married to each other.. I had a friend who wasted 7yr never got engaged and they split only for him to get married a year later.. Don't be like my friend if he won't commit after all this he never will.
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