A
male
age
,
*GC
writes:Hi. I divorced about five years ago, and have three daughters, aged 21, 17, and 13. My two oldest daughters are very much closer to me than their mother, and my relationship with my youngest daughter is improving. My kids are my world...the youngest two live with their mother and the oldest one is at university. My oldest two love my company and I could happily spend every second with all of my daughters. But this sort of concerns me, in a way, as I do not do this because primarily a woman I am involved with would not want it this way.For the last two years I have been in a relationship with a very nice woman, who is eight years younger than me (I'm 49). She has two boys, who have left home now, who she loves completely but they don't really have very good communication (I know that may sound odd). The boys are good kids, but one gambles heavily and drinks quite a lot, and the other is currently without work. They are sort of 'finding their way' in life, I guess. My partner did not have a very good relationship with her father, and neither did I.Basically, my partner appears to be extremely jealous of my devotion and relationship with my daughters. Yesterday, for instance, I had a day with my middle daugher, and in the evening my partner was unhappy about it. We argued etc...but this really is a rare occurrence (me spending a day (well, seven hrs) with my daughter). My partner resents it. She is liked by my kids, but they aren't inclined to be really close. My kids and I are quite intellectual, but my partner is not.I do not spend anythink like the amount of time with my kids as I'd like to. My partner sort of undermines me when she's with us together, and my middle daughter (who is extremely mature for her age) has alluded to my partner being a bit 'ungrown-up'.I feel I am too close to my kids at times,a nd unfair to my partner? Yet also, I will never change to my kids - they really are everything. Am I being unfair to my partner? Please ask questions! I feel my partner and I are sort of on different wavelengths art times, and we are sort of separating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): I can only speak for myself, but I would absolutely hate to be in a relationship where the man would happily spend every second with his children!! Where the hell does a woman (who is not the mother) fit into all that??? This is why I avoid single parents like the plague.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): I appreciate that this is a little while ago now but I wanted to post as I have issues similar to your wife. I am a 41 year old female, well educated from a wealthy Surrey background and hold a good job in the City. I married bizarely an east end bad boy having always been attracted to these types being so totally different to the kind of men I normally associate with. Anyway he has 3 children, 21, 14 and 8 and it is a constant battle for me as I always feels he puts these children before me. I cannot
cope with the monotony and boredom of his youngest child coming every other weekend. The other two are off doing their own thing so Inever see them but the youngest one is always around and my husband cannot get enough of him. I am being totally honest over this and appreciate that
a lot of people would think what a ghastly selfish woman I am but it is how I feel. Apparently he never wanted the child in the first place and now he can't spend enough time with him. Yes I am jealous of the time he spends with
him and feel pushed out. I now go out when he comes for most of the day so I don't have to spend anytime with them which coincides nicely with my work and don't return until the child has gone to bed. I don't even want to try I am just waiting for the child to grow up. I know this doesn't make nice reading but maybe your wife also feels a bit like this. Personally I might feel different if I got a lot more attention, on occasion he said he couldn't have the child so it was shown that my feelings mattered and if the routine of it all wasnt so dull. We have endless issues over ruddy holidays because I won't go on family holidays with them because I end up looking after them all and I feel enormously resentful lookig after as I see it someone elses kid. i just want you to know that your wife who clearly isn't as bad as me is not alone!
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A
male
reader, MGC +, writes (24 October 2010):
MGC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBlack Rabbit - yes, typos, like in my original post when I typed 'everythink'! Thank You for all your advice and thoughts, it really is appreciated. Please, anything else you think of do let me know. I'll have a think about how to proceed.
Anyway, she's gone off to her mother's today in a sulk re. yesterday (her Mom and I get on fine), so I decided in the end to go for a run and bike ride - get rid of some stress! But I just upset, OK but upset at this stuff.
Thnks again :-)
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 Sorry, meant to say you sound like an amazing father...my typing is horrid today :p But oy! That certainly can't go anywhere! Ranting at someone stops you from listening and therefore communicating. I'd try counseling since that offers a mediator of sorts but, I have a feeling she wouldn't go for it. At her age, she's probably set in her ways and would resent what she might see as an intrusion. She clings to you, her negative view on men, and it's driven a wedge between you two...You have to make her see that. Take her aside and tell her you want to talk, not argue. You will both calmly listen and speak to one another. If you don't think that'll work-a letter maybe? If you've exhausted every mean of conflict resolution- maybe your feelings are right. Perhaps your relationship with has ran it's course...
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A
male
reader, MGC +, writes (24 October 2010):
MGC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBlack Rabbit - yes we have talked, but she won't really listen. She sort of just rants, and I often can't get a word in! I don't know.....I sort of don't like relationships, I think! In my life I've never been with anyone so amazingly anti-men and stubborn. But lovely in many ways too. However I feel we're coming to an end.
Another thing - she is sociable yet doesn't really have many friends. This makes it even more awkward when I want time with my kids 'cos she sort of wants me with her all the time, as she doesn't really seem to have her kids much or friends. She's just awkward! It does my head in, and I can't fully relax at times with her.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (24 October 2010):
You sound like an AMAZNIG- a quality too many men lack. It stuns me that a lot of women always list this quality as a must in their image of the perfect man and yet, can resent it once it's found. As a parent, I would think she'd understand that bond...but yes, it sounds as if these "anti-male" ideas are working against her enjoying the relationship she shares with you. Her issues with her own father are also contributing to this. I've met women who embrace the entire males stink propaganda for "protection." And in doing this, lose the very men who would have given them the world. Now, have you talked to her about any of this?
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A
male
reader, MGC +, writes (24 October 2010):
MGC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBlack Rabbit - I feel that what you suspect is true. On the romance department it hasn't been great recently, 'cos we tend to be arguing quite a bit. But essentially I am a romantic and very caring person. While my partner is loving she is also very - (what's the right way to put this?) - almost abrasive and sort of 'seeks' arguments? She has 'attacked' me on occasions regarding me being what she considers to be 'controlling' re. my kids. But I think this really is nonesense....yes I accept and agree that I have been a very major influence on my kids, but essentailly we are very good friends as well as father/daughters. The biggest single thing anyone can give theri kids is a sense of their own minds and making their own way in the world, in my opinion. And I believe I do that...but her kids aren't like that at all (but they are good kids). My kids are all very very close to each other, and I have always supported this. It has often been said by others over the years how I am so devoted to my kids. I just wonder if my partner really can be jealous? I am good with kids generally. The other day I arranged a mini-disco for about twenty 13 year old kids at our local hall, and is was really good. I don't find kids stressful. Sorry, rambling on...but just trying to put an accurate picture across.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (24 October 2010):
Take it from a daddy's girl-you can NEVER be too close to your children! My dad was my best friend, debate opponent, teacher, and Harry Potter addiction supporter who always encouraged me no matter what I pursued. Now, I could be wrong here but what your daughter said makes sense to me. Your gf envies what you have with your girls and perhaps subconciously wishes she had the same with her sons. Her relationship with her own father wasn't great and what she sees with you can be quite alien to her. She might find it unsettling and wonder how it can be. You both had strained relationships with ur fathers and yet, YOUR kids communicate with you and hers don't. She may feel like she somehow failed and may resent you for it subconciously. You and ur kids are intellectual, she's not-that's (in her eyes) another wall that blocks her from you and this enviable connection with your girls. This is just speculation though. You do have quality time with her too, right? Not slacking on romance etc?
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A
male
reader, MGC +, writes (24 October 2010):
MGC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am fond of my partner. In many ways she is very lovely. She is kind, hard-working etc. She can also be bossy, but definitely she, her sister, and cousin have an anti-male stance in life. They all have had serious male relationship issues in the past, especially with my partner's father. This manifests itself into lots of my partner's thinking and ways....for instance she often says 'men need to be told what to do' otherwise they won't do what needs to be done'. This causes friction between us, because I am also very hard-working and very self-driven.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 A hard question, I am a fence sitter on this one as I can see both sides to this story ... it sounds like you are, if not madly in love, at least fond of your partner, have you considered some counselling, probably couples counselling, to help you both work out some strategies to sort out any problems here before they get so big they will block your veiw.
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