A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Here goes, I've been best friends with this girl for over 5 years now. Nothing has made me happier than she has and she has completed changed me as a person for the better. When I'm with her and also when I'm around other people as well. She first started bringing me out and I would say its clear that she is the main influence that made me who I am today. We've spoken every day (no exaggeration) for a good 8 hours on video call without fail for the past 5 years as well as seeing her at school.Our school has now finished, we've just got our exams coming up, but that's it everything is over now. Luckily we are both situated in the same area next year and so it is literally a 20 minute drive away from each other which is no problem considering a lot of our friends are moving far away. Around 8 months ago we decided to try and take our friendship further, this was how I had always felt, I always loved her and being the idiot I was I never told her until late, but we attempted to give it a shot and it didn't work out and we went back to being friends because although she did love me more than friends and was attracted to me, because of how she had always seen me as a friend she wasn't sexually attracted to me and couldn't see us having sex. We seemed to be the same way, still video calling for that 8 hours a day, staying the same flirtatious way with each other too. The only difference being is that we had begun to argue, I don't remember us having a single argument in the 5 years that we'd been friends and it seems so different now because it's not even just a single argument, they are on and off practically each day.I always put this down to it being the fact that I had feelings for her that weren't reciprocated, but also because she had wronged me in certain circumstances. I forgave her for these incidents but they were always somewhere in my mind and I realise now that at the time I hadn't forgiven her fully (I have now). But I fear that it is too late, every time we got into a big argument I put forward the case that maybe we should just cut contact simply because I love her and she loves me as what we were before (just friends). I felt that this was the right thing to ask. However, whenever we tried it we'd crumble and a few days later we'd be talking again. This went on for a few months till recent.Only now after we had a massive discussion yesterday did I realise what I was doing to her. Whilst it is true that she had wronged me on several occasions and didn't feel the same way, it wasn't right of me to act as I did. I realise now that I was acting out of self pity, feeling sorry for myself so I took it out on her. I realise that it is rational for me to suggest that we don't see each other, but I didn't realise that since we kept falling back to each other and for it to be on and off for months destroyed her. I realise this now because she finally told me what it had brought her to become. I didn't realise what I was doing at the time and I feel like I've terribly hurt the one person that means more to me than even myself and I can't believe I have done that. She has told me after our discussion that what we are doing to each other is breaking her and she can see that it is breaking me too and she needs some time to think about what to do. Which is fair enough, at the moment I'm giving her space to think about what she should do, but I can't lose her, even if it means us being friends. I really think now that the arguments were present because I was feeling sorry for myself and felt that because I was mistreated on a few occasions so I believed that what I did was always in the right. I'm also quite a proud person and once we broke contact I was never the one to initiate it, no matter how much I wanted to so I left it to her and when she began talking then I'd be very accepting and talk to her normally. I'm working on that but regardless if I do work on that or not she has told me she feels like such a pushover. Always being the person who says they are sorry, always the person who comes back. I never realised this until she told me, but I fear that it is too late, she's taken some time to think now and I don't know what to do because I definitely can't lose her, even if it is just as a friend. I have no regrets that I told her how I felt because that needed to be said at some point, but I would do anything for it to go back to the way things used to be, back to when we never argued and I know that this is idealistic and it can't go back, but I would definitely like it to get better. I often have troubles expressing how I feel to people and she was the only person that it seemed easier with and she goes on how she's just dragging me down with her (she really dislikes herself for some reason which I can't understand why) and that I should stick to my other friends because no one has a bad word to say about me and they would help me with any problems that I have but I don't think she realises what she has done for me or why none of my friends can ever be like her to me. I have explained this to her on many occasions including last night, but she has such a low opinion of herself because of things that have happened in the last 7 years (which I helped her get through for the 5 that I have known her). I wish I could take back the last few months and just repeat it knowing what I know now. She has said that the happiest times she has is when she is with me, even if that means just staying at mine watching TV. Any time I am with her, whether it is out or just a relaxed night in are the happiest times for me as well and I want everything to be good again.She said that she will talk to me once she'd had a little time to think whether it be good or bad news and I really want to be able to fix this. If she says that we can't stay in contact that will devastate me and I want to think that I will go along with what she says and keep to the no contact. However at the same time whenever I put forward the idea that we should not talk she has always at some point spoken to me and we've tried to give it another shot so perhaps it would be acceptable for me to keep on trying even if that's the case. Any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses and I've taken them all into account. I understand what you guys are saying by telling me to show her this and leave nothing out. I did that in a way, I didn't show her this link directly, but I wrote everything in a different way to her in a message seeing as I'm not able to see her. It seemed to help the cause as after that (I sent it when I woke up in the morning) I let her have her own space to think about things and she texted me quite late in the evening simply saying 'lets try' followed by 'and thanks for that message'. So things are looking back on track and hopefully I won't have to respond to this dearcupid again with another dilemma, but thank you for the input. Also thank you Chigirl for that sort of evaluation because I'll be honest, I'm not an expert on these things. She's the first person I've felt this way about considering the time we've spent together and the way you put it hadn't really occurred to me. It seems hard to believe that when you become closer the more you argue, but at the same time it does ring true as it does make sense that the more you expose yourself to someone in a deeper way the more vunerable you become. I am under no delusions though, I don't think she can see me as more than friends at the moment, she has said that, but I know that's not a permanent thing because she has said she has feelings for me but she really needs to be happy with herself before she can be with anyone else which I get. I won't be waiting 24/7 for her because that was one of her reasons as to why we should have stayed apart because she didn't feel like it was right for her to make me do that. Honestly the one thing I do wonder and worry about, is although I realise that I had been a bit insensitive toward her as of recent and plan on fixing that, I don't really know how I'd take to seeing her with somebody else.
A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (4 June 2011):
 Good analysis, as usual, "chigirl".
OP, take what she says, in conjunction with what you wrote on here (SHOW her everything) and have a good ols sit-down discussion.
Let us know if it works, please.....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 "The only difference being is that we had begun to argue, I don't remember us having a single argument in the 5 years that we'd been friends and it seems so different now because it's not even just a single argument, they are on and off practically each day."
From an outsider point of view, I can see clearly why this is happening, why you have the fights that you didn't have before. It is because both she and you are more than just friends. You tried to be more, and it didn't work. But the result is that going back to being just friends didn't work either. It rarely does. It would take years before you're normal friends again. The fighting means that you care more for each other now. Your feelings, both hers and yours, and out there in the open, and it is so easy to get hurt. You both want each other, and she's holding back because of.. whatever reason she has. But, the fights clearly show that she does feel for you as more than just a friend. And her feelings frustrate her, and your feelings frustrate you, because you both feel like you want to be together, yet you have to act and behave purely as friends. The heart and the mind are conflicting, and so you become extra sensitive, extra vulnerable, and extra emotional. Then, fights occur because neither of you are happy with the way things are between you.
The idea of being "wronged" confuse me. People make mistakes. You need to let it go. You can hold on to grudges, and you can't keep bringing it up. You can't be fighting over who's right and who's wrong. If one of you messed up you need to let it go.
Try to take some time off with no talking and think about things, how you deal with fights and why you fight. If things can't be sorted through calm conversation, then they aren't worth discussing.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (4 June 2011):
The only advice I can offer you is to show her what you have posted here; it outlines your feelings so eloquently and explains your remorse for how you behaved and what you would like to happen now.
Show it all, don't leave anything out.
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