A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I remember coming on this to post a question about forbidden love with an ex teacher and breaking my virginity. Well 6 years on I am back as an older, wiser 20 something about the same guy but different problem. We split mutually after two years together because the age difference was causing a lot of problems. I stayed in touch for 1.5years. We were still attracted to each other. After 1 night in 2010 when something nearly happened between us again (mainly because he was drunk though) he backed off. I only heard from him sporadically usually on birthdays and Christmas. He stopped telling me about his life and showing an interest in mine. I tried to give him space to show him I had grown up. I tried to fancy other guys and I even developed a crush on another teacher, well a tutor at uni, but he had a girlfriend that he wasn't willing to leave for me. I never stopped loving my ex though.Last year I moved to his part of the city in the hope after two years I could show him I had changed. He had sent more frequent emails since March too. He then tells me he is going to be a father in a few months and it is with someone he has been seeing for a while.I was crushed but sent him a congratulatory email saying I wish we could be friends and why had he cut me off? He told me he had seen several people since we split, he had actually got back together with the woman he was having the baby with after they split up late 2010!!! He hadn't even tried to get back with me. She had made him stop texting and seeing me because she was jealous. Quite rightly so as my intentions were never innocent friendship. I didn't reply to this email. I felt good that he was waiting on me for a change. I could try and get on with my life knowing there would be no more messages. He would forget me completely.I know now there was no unbreakable bond, I was just a link in a chain to him and he never saw me as his soul mate. He has treated me worse than the way I behaved in our relationship yet I can't hate him. I can't stop loving him. I want to be with him so badly. No other man I have met stands up to him. Even kissing other men made me feel guilty.I hate myself for being so pathetic but I can't change how I feel.We bumped into each other two months later after not seeing each other since 2010. We chatted then he emailed me two days later saying he wants to be friends and I am a special person, he regrets missing out on milestones in my life and what ifs etc. I couldn't stand it anymore so I told him the truth about how I feel and asked him to never contact me again. That was two weeks ago and he hasn't replied. I want him to even though I know there is no point. I can't have the outcome I want from this situation. There is no Hollywood rom com ending for me but why can't my brain accept that and move on? Do I need professional help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): OP update:I was 18. I pursued him after I left school. Nothing untoward happened whilst I was his student. 6 months later I convinced him we were too close for friendship so we started dating.He seemed to love and desire me more than I did him which was a lot to do with my parents screwed up relationship than my age so you are right there. I split up with him several times because I enjoyed the drama, the power of being able to do what I liked and I loved making up. I started to panic that I was being tied down though as he knew and I knew and our friends knew we never split up for long. I didn't like that folks no longer took me seriously so I made it permanent believing it to be the right thing to do because it was what everyone else wanted. We ended up sleeping together three months later and thereafter he told me he wouldn't be my fuck buddy. That he would have more respect for me even if I didn't for myself.We stayed in touch for 1.5 years then he became very distant and never saw me again until we bumped into each other last year. He had a right to see other women. I don't deny that. He said none of those relationships were set in Stone so he wasn't going to tell me every time he met someone new. He only told me about his current partner because a baby was a definite change in his life and he had responsibilities and duties etc. His email about regrets and how good I looked when he saw me were not intended to win me back but as you said he does want to keep me in his life because it hurts too much to cut me out completely. Although how he planned to do that when his partner wouldn't even allow him to text me is a wonder. I know I am trying to make excuses for him. He is a good man though just extremely self involved and deliberately avoiding thinking about how his actions effect others and other peoples real or perceived feelings. I did take him off of the pedestal a few months ago when he had sent that email about seeing several people since we split etc and I hadn't replied. I was so angry at him then myself for being so naive. But then I saw him again. I realised nothing had changed. He could snap his fingers and I would have run back into him arms despite his baby on the way! Even though he doesn't want me to be more than a friend that is still how I feel. I just can't accept that this time I won't ever win him back. Apparently the first split happened because they argued over me. She thought he still had feelings more me and was treating her badly. He is like me: we don't agree with marriage (an institution the state likes us all to follow and in modern times loving someone should be enough without vows and a legal contract binding you both together) mind you he would never have been told who to see and not see before so maybe they will marry if it is what she wants. So I don't hold any ill feeling towards him for not marrying her before the baby. I don't think it was exactly planned.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 January 2013):
 You should stop looking at your age as a reason why you were not loved. Developmentally you were supposed to be where you were. You were not supposed to catch up with him to be deserving of love.
I see this teacher as an ordinary person with flaws, actually big flaws when it comes to dating students. You seem to put him on a pedestal and had been working hard to earn his love. A teacher is revered by students because of his high position and his knowledge. Your ex teacher has not lived up to this standard. He abused his power. I don't know if you were even 18 when he had sex with you. At age 18 I would still consider it illegal to have sex with a student. Teachers are also supposed to be role models. He impregnated a woman he did not want to marry while receiving your messages, still being attracted to you. He then had an on and off relationship with her. Appallingly 2 years later he tried to get on with you, pretending he cares, and you should now know the specific thing he only cares about. Still you say no other man stands up to him.
You want to let go and you are trying. For 4 years you loved him. It was up until March you knew there was no hope for him. Even though he moved on without you, you still felt like you were in a relationship with him. It's a relationship that shouldn't be, still it felt real to you. Your heart can't separate fantasy from reality.
In time you will detach from the illusion and you will allow yourself to cut the cord.
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