A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Up until nine months ago, I was happily living and engaged to a beautiful woman. Suddenly, it all changed, and now it seems like anything I try to do becomes a fight with her. It's almost as if she's trying to make me feel guilty, but she basically ignores my existence like our eight year relationship never happened. Suffice to say, I'm heartbroken, and don't know where to turn. It seems like she now hates me, and won't tell me why. Is there anything I can do? I don't want to walk away from the love of my life, but don't know where/how to turn and face this challenge.
View related questions:
engaged, heartbroken, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm the one who asked the question, and felt like adding more....
Just to follow up, yes that wasn't very specific.
Yes, I realize that I'm not the greatest guy in the world, and that some of the blame in this failed relationship rests on my shoulders as well.
We were engaged to be married for about a year - before that, we were trying to figure everything out for ourselves.
In review, it didn't seem like we really spent the time we needed together to learn and grow together. Now, she simply tells me to give up and that I've changed and she is no longer in love with me. Women can be awfully cruel about it all.
I have tried many times to bridge the communication gap, and I feel as though I'm always the one trying to make the effort to reconnect. She knows how I feel about everything, but it's the no contact that is driving me nuts - she's flips between very cold to very angry, and sometimes to nice as pie. Confused? Very much so.
To add more to the situation for you, we have a 7 year old son together, and now she's starting to turn nasty with talks of child support and custody, etc.
I suppose I should just give her the cold shoulder in return, and let it go from there - I know I can't push her to talk, and pushing only pushes her farther away, but I really love this girl and want to make it all work out...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): If you have made her wait 8 years to marry - and you can't figure out what the problem is - you are an idiot! I hope she finds someone who will commit to her, because her waiting on you has gone on waaaaaaay looooooooong enough!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): To be honest your fiancé sounds a bit like me when I was her age too!! I met my boyf when I was only barely 19 and he was 23. We were together for 8 ½ years. We moved in together after 2 years. He asked me to marry him a few months before my 21st b/day but I said it was too soon and I was too young and we left it at that. We planned building our house, our wedding & future but after a while I felt that I wanted more out of life. That at 4 years older than me my fiancé had done things that I hadn’t - like travel, go out partying at w/ends, go away for w/ends etc and when I said I would like to do some of these he would say he had done it all and wasn’t interested in doing it again!!! Which to me wasn’t very fair of him.
It was too serious a relationship at too young an age in opinion and maybe it’s the same for your fiancé now. Maybe she needs time out to experience some of these things… If she won’t listen to you face to face, write her a letter as some times people find it easier to express how they feel in a letter/email. Don’t push her tho as that will only drive her further away from you – that’s another thing my ex did with me! The more he chased after me the further away I went from him!!!
Best of luck with everything tho and hope it all works out for you ?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): There's too little info. to conclude what could be happening to her but the answer is always talking. I know us women don't like to talk sometimes. That's because we are 'seeing' something about you men that is so obvious we are silently screaming for you to figure it out for yourselves so you'd feel guilty and we feel like the victims. In our minds is like this: Doesn't he notices? I mean, Come on! When is he going to do this? When is he going to see that...? Perhaps it has something to do with routine. You've been 8 long years together and I'm guessing you proposed nine months ago. Maybe she is bored or is tired of waiting to get married to you. Maybe she is freaked because deep inside she is afraid of commitment. She's been with you for 8 years and everything was about your relation but now that you are engaged and everything is about the rest of your lives together forever and perhaps she is now really paying attention to your defects and is frustrated. I don't know. The point is the woman is unhappy and won't talk about it apparently. I suggest you do something drastic and different so she would feel obligated to talk about how she feels. Tell her you love her deeply and want to spend the rest of your life with her and make her happy, but because you feel she doesn't believe in the relationship no more suggest her to split eventhough you'll be devastated.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): From a woman's perspective, she's probably dissapointed in you & realizes that after 8 years you're still not what she wants to marry. Maybe you've let her down in some ways throughout the relationship. This is what happened w/ me & my ex, together 5 yrs. engaged, he was a loser who lied to make himself sound better than he was, he couldn't keep a job. He kept letting me down all the time so I eventually did what your g.f. is doing to you before I left for good. I am not saying you are a loser or that you dissapointed her, that is just what my situation was and I did react the same way as your g.f. is.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (18 January 2008):
 Hi,
are you guys still living together? or have you split up?
You don't make this clear.
Having said that, it really doesnt sound good buddy. It's not just a temporary mood, its being going on for months.
You might have to prepare yourself for the worst I'm afraid, whose to tell what is going on in her mind but one way would be to contact a close family member that you get on with, ask them if they have noticed any change in her behaviour.
My first thoughts were that she may have done something she is very guilty about and can't face up to it so is taking it out on you. Or she has met someone else and is wrestling with the guilt making it so its easier for you two too split up.
If she won't communicate with you, as I said ask a family member who she is close to. You deserve an answer and you might just have to take a break from her to get it.
What are your alternatives?
...............................
|
