A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have no idea how else to deal with this.My ex fiance broke up with me 2.5 months ago after 4.5 years together. There was no cheating or lying or anything else; just, I guess he grew apart from me. I was ready, absolutely ready for us to take the step in our relationship: marriage, kids, house, etc. I was so utterly in love with him, that the current situation makes me want to vomit and do some very illegal things.My ex is a chronically pessimistic guy and he told me time and again that I was the best thing that ever happened to him... He said he needed to be alone for a long time, that he never wanted to burden any woman again with his attitude. That he couldn't continue seeing himself hurt me. So he broke up with me.Today, on Facebook, he announced that he's with someone else already, and the utter rage I feel... it's indescribable. So many of our mutual friends have messaged me encouraging words and nay saying my ex. I don't even know what to feel anymore. I'm so distraught. I was making great progress; I unsubscribed from him on Facebook, I don't look at his Snapchats, we don't text or anything. I was starting to feel that pull that I was actually, sort of, getting over it.And then this happens.I called him after I saw the announcement and screamed at him.He told me over and over that he was sorry but he "couldn't miss the opportunity". Ugh...How could he? How could he do this to me? After all those years we spent together? The plans we made. And he's moved on so quickly. I'm so disgusted.What do I do now?
View related questions:
broke up, facebook, fiance, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2015): hello miss rage ..sounds like your forthcoming dj name doesnt it? your exthrew such a drama about missing you because he is secretly worried one of his mates is, or has been holding a torch for you..so is it possible you could nose about his group to see if there is anyone you overlooked, even as a friend? You know guys move on and so can gals..better thanbeing a prop to someones life if you asked me..but when they stick within the friendship group it is because they regain access and gossip via the other party. Why did you want marriage and kids as a next step , when he wasnt up to it with you..dont mourn him because you helped to perpetuate his fantasy projection , but do think about a voluntary year or similar to gain perspective..and if knew love comes your way after the blinkers have gone..then go for it..there are no legal timelimits on it, unlike divorce.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): One day you will feel so glad that your pessimistic ex did this. I have walked in your shoes. I too understand this pain and exasperation. The confusion, disbelief, frustration and then there is the hurt. Horrendous. I was an exhausted walking zombie for weeks and had the rug pulled from under me. Totally.
Fast forward two years I praise the Lord I really do that I have had such a lucky escape and I am not even religious! There is ao much better out there.
Have faith and trust in yourself. Hold on to the belief that there is so much more. I promise you there is. Make way for a better future!
As one door closes another opens.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): The bloke has decided a seemly amount of time has passed and he can now flaunt his next conquest. Of course your angry because he did lie and cheat ..its just that you prefer to believe his honeyed words.Now where do you want to channel that anger..into sports, a song, a lot of travelling. Perhaps you didnt feel he spent long enough pining and feeling guilty and low ....but whatever it is dont you know some guys just need to appear on top.Dontgo backwards...head forwards and be glad there were no children involved.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): I'm sorry,hun,but I'm with everyone else on this one- he definitely did cheat.Emotionally,if not physically,but this girl WAS waiting for him. And he sure as hell encouraged her and then went through with it (i.e. breaking up with you).Your friends wanna help, that's why they keep you informed. But next time anyone even breathes a word of what he has been up to, you keep a straight face and answer"Well,thanks for informing me,but I don't care. Whatever he does NO longer has impact on MY life".As to how to get over him-repeat after me: "there is better to come, there is better to come!"I know it doesn't feel like this right now,but all you lost was weak-willed man who did not love you truly. Find yaself another one who can love you like you deserve ;)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): My dear, no words can sooth you at the moment. Boy, do I know what it feels like to be blind-sided; then find-out they found somebody else. Sweetie, I've been there.
It feels absolutely terrible. Gut-wrenching,infuriating, and you want to smash his head in. You'd like to kick him in the balls wearing a pair of steel-toed work-boots!!! Please don't do anything mean or foolish. These aren't suggestions! You shouldn't have even called to cuss him out. You showed him he still has power over your feelings, and you embarrassed yourself. You don't feel any better for it.
What you're failing to see, is that you ducked a bullet. You avoided life with a depressing and pessimistic man. You don't want to raise children in that environment. You also allowed yourself to overlook a very bad character flaw. Pessimism is a form of bitterness. How could you be happy under such circumstances? Surely you're humiliated, your ego is crushed, and your dreams were destroyed. In time, you will see how this all worked-out to your benefit.
She got the damaged mess you could have tied yourself down with. He would have dragged you to the bottom, like a anchor tied to your ankle. You were in denial throughout your engagement, and too preoccupied with your wedding plans. You were looking forward to an event; but not looking at the reality around you. He was a stick in a pile a poop! He found himself a knuckle-head to share his pile of poop. You wouldn't be happy wading in a pile of poop.
Only to be divorced 4.5 years, two kids, one mortgage, two cars, debt, and a broken-heart later. Life would have been miserable. I wish we could sit, share a bottle of wine, and talk. I feel you, and I know your pain.
Girlfriend, please! You were more in-love with the idea of marriage; than you were in-love with him. Why would you agree to marry a man you describe as a pessimist and insecure person? Surely children deserve better than that for a father. Don't you think? I wouldn't want anybody's "sad-genes" passed on to my kids!
Girl, you lucked out! You wouldn't want him draining the light out of your soul with his heaviness. Part of his unhappiness was being with you, when he really didn't want to marry you. I have to give it to you straight. You really need to face the truth, like I did. It wasn't meant to be.
You're embarrassed, but that will pass.
I suffered after I got dumped. I even wrote articles about it on DC. I let it all out. I cut him completely out of my life, and turned to helping others. Doing volunteer work, dating, engaging my friends, and turning to my family for love, positive energy, and support. It all worked for me.
I met a wonderful guy shopping in the gardening center at a home supply store. He owns a great business. He's a kind, generous, and beautiful soul. Sexy as hell too!
I wouldn't have believed this would happen. That other asshat had to get out of the way for me to find him. The funny part is, I wasn't even looking. I was happy being single and independent. It felt good. Free!
Reach for your happiness. That's in your hands and under your control. Not killing yourself with grief over him! Take back your dignity, don't let him know how much he has hurt you. He knows he has, but he doesn't deserve to know just how much. In reality, he has found someone else; and it really doesn't matter to him now. He doesn't matter!
Your bitterness will slow the process of healing. I'm speaking from experience, and knowing how you're feeling.
Sweetheart, it gets better. Things change, and you grow.
That is, if you make up your mind that is what you want to do.
You'll pass them someday on the street; and you'll see the sadness in her eyes. Maybe, you will see joy. Either way, he was not meant for you. Now grow-up, start your healing, and move on. I invite you to read my articles. It will make you laugh and cry. I know exactly what you're feeling. Trust me on that. Being pissed-off accelerates your healing process.
By the way, my ex also broke-up with the guy he met two-months after dumping me. It lasted longer than when we were together. This info was an unsolicited update given by a mutual friend. I didn't even flinch. I've got me a hunk now. He's the past.
You'll be okay, I promise!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2015):
 First off, I'm sorry - I can imagine how it feels to be blindsided like that, and it isn't a nice feeling.
But here is the thing. He didn't DO it TO you. What he DID do to you was lie, think he would "spare" your feelings.
Basically he pulled a "It's not you, it's ME" - but he lied. He wanted out. And I think he felt he would hurt you less by making it "seem" like it was no ones fault, specially if you thought everything was fine.
The dude just wasn't SMART enough to ensure YOU WOULDN'T"T FIND OUT ABOUT THIS "new" chick. And who knows.. she may not have been "new" at all. THAT might actually have been the reason he pulled the "It's not you, it's me" routine on you. Because he had met HER and wanted to DATE her. However, that is impossible to know for sure.
He was thinking OF himself... NO ONE else. Like he said.. "I couldn't miss the opportunity". Maybe he also KNEW you wanted the "white picket fence and kids" soon and THAT is why he ran.
What's so hard is that you feel like you wasted those years with him, but in reality? YOU didn't.
It will get better. Look at the bright side, YOU didn't have kids with him or marry him, only to see him walk away.
Chin up, honey.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (18 July 2015):
 I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this, but if it's any consolation your ex sounds like a fantastic person...
...to delete from your life immediately, that is.
I say this because I'm not so sure that he "moved on" as quickly as you think he did, but rather that he's had someone else waiting in the wings for some time now - if not physically cheating, then emotionally at the very least. After a four-and-a-half-year relationship, him getting with another girl after just two and a half months is either one HECK of a quick and stupid rebound ("opportunity" be damned - in a breakup BOTH sides need time to reevaluate and heal) or it's him making things official with the former side piece.
The fact that he fed you a bunch of vague "it's not you, it's me" excuses on the way out makes things doubly suspect because IF he didn't want to lose "the best thing that ever happened to him" he'd have fought like hell to work on HIS issues and keep you in his life. Instead he chose to make some pathetic excuses and tap out.
He probably thought that if he waited a couple months to go public with his "new" partner, nobody would catch on. But given that so many *mutual* friends are taking your side and trashing him to you, I'm guessing they've figured him out too. Because typically in a situation like this mutual friends who aren't actually sure of where the fault lies in a breakup tend to feel awkward and take a step back from BOTH people so they're not in the middle of anything. The fact that the mutual friends you had as a couple aren't doing that speaks volumes.
What do you do now? Well, the relationship is over. Whether he moved on after the fact or before it (as I suspect) does not change the end result. Ignoring him and blocking his social media accounts was the right decision, and it still is. I know it's hard but you have to go cold turkey with that sort of thing - seeing posts and pictures right now will only hurt you more. Keep your chin up, pamper yourself, reconnect with friends... be interested in everything BESIDES what your ex is up to. The best "revenge" you can get is living a happy and fantastic life without that loser in it.
I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes moving forward!
...............................
|
