Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 well if the last post was the OP then there are some things that are a problem:
if he was pretending it was distasteful to him and was watching it behind the OP's back and LYING about it... well then he's lying and that is a betrayal and that is disrespectful.
In addition, if he's pulled back from his wife and his personality has changed... well then it's possible that there is a medical issue... has he had a full complete medical workup recently to rule out medical issues (while rare my mother had a massive personality change that was due to a brain tumor)
so if the OP's hubby has had a medical clearance, then there is something emotional going on with him and that has impacted on the OP so that it does have to be addressed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I say I’ve been betrayed because he's always said porn was distasteful n disrespectful to women. he always made a big deal out of how he thought it was wrong to watch porn n instead he's been doing it behind my back .I asked him recently if had been doing this as his personality became different he was angry didn’t want sex or spend time together and I thought maybe was having an affair because on his days off he was supposedly fixing things for other people yet there never was extra money and his answer was no.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 "Betrayed" ? That is an interesting term. In your marraige vows was there a clause that included the watching of pixals on a computer screen? Porn is just fantasy..it vaporizs the instant the screen goes black, it doesn't move into your kitchen and rearange your silverware or leave extra laundry scattered about.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): It will be pointless trying to make them feel bad they won't know what theyv'e done wrong, it's happened to me aswell. I find it insulting when my current boyfriend has an interest in porn when dating me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2013):
so the question in the first post was (I feel betrayed) "how do I recover from this?"
I'm not sure why you feel betrayed.... and I'm not sure what it is you need to recover from. Has he stopped being the husband you want/need him to be due to this porn? What has changed other than you now know he's looking at porn?
your follow up says "why would he start now?"
ANSWER: he discovered it's very easy to find free porn on the internet.... and he can do it.
are you thinking the answer is "because your not enough for him anymore" I think that's not an accurate assumption
porn is easy to find now
most men look at it
most of them are happily married or partnered and it does not seem to affect the relationship (at least from what I know)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): He started now because its a lot easier to access porn now than 20 years ago because of the Internet and maybe he only just caught on about this.He has not betrayed you. Why do you feel he has? There is a big difference between a guy being a regular watcher of porn versus being an addict. Someone who misses work amd no longer participates in any family activities so he can stay home and watch porn is an addict. Someone who has no interest in real life sex with you because he prefers porn is an addict. Otherwise there are lots of guys who regularly watch porn yet are not addicts. It is like saying you are not a food addict just because you have a need to eat food every day. but someone else who is obese may very well have a food addiction.From what you have described it does not sound like he is an addict and he has not betrayed you. Lying about it doesn't mean he has betrayed you if it is because he feels you have unreasonable expectations and will cause arguments. But if it gets worse than this I would definitely re -evaluate.
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female
reader, jo-cee  +, writes (18 February 2013):
jo-cee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for every ones answere but i think every one miss understood why i am up set . the question is why would he start now watching as he said he didn't before.
thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): I think the anonymous female below is being far too hasty in telling you to leave him over this. Watching porn and being a porn addict are two very different things so please do not confuse them. At this point there is nothing to suggest your husband is an addict so for my advice I'm going to assume he is not. Firstly, it's important to realise that men usually watch porn for what the people in it are doing, not who they are. I know it's difficult to understand and you probably still won't like it, but at least know that he is almost certainly not wanting to have sex with the woman in the film, it's whatever the sexual act she is partaking in that is turning him on. Men who watch porn (not addicts) always say that it does not make them love their partner any less or have any bearing on how they feel about them. It's just visual stimulation that allows them to get a quick sexual release without much effort. If he is neglecting your sex life in favour of porn then it is an issue, but if he is using it in addition then I personally don't think it is a betrayal. It's just an example of how men think differently to women and something I have come to accept and be ok with.However, I do know that not all women feel the same as me. If you take the above on board and you still can't accept it then it's time for an honest talk with your husband. Tell him he is hurting you by watching it and ask him to stop. You say you have had a good relationship over the years, so you should be able to sort it out between you if you clearly explain how it is making you feel.I really wish you all the best and hope you and your husband work it out. I think after 20 good years together you have so much going for you and you shouldn't consider ending it unless you have tried everything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): Dump him and focus on yourself. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. He HAS betrayed you. He is fantasizing about having sex with someone else. How can you ever look at him again and feel the same as you did before? How will you ever be able to trust him again?
I speak from experience. I dated a porn addict. And it started off exactly as you are describing. It got so bad that he would turn me down for sex EVERY time, because he had already gotten off to someone else. It destroyed my self esteem and sent me into severe depression. Please, save yourself the heartache. If he won't give it up, then leave him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): What is it you feel betrayed by? The fact he watches it at all or the fact he was hiding it from you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): If this is affecting you both and he would like to stop watching it, try Googling yourbrainonporn. It is a site that explains why it is so watched and how it affects the brain. It will help you both to understand what is going on.
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