A
female
age
41-50,
*h4ad
writes:I'm 44 years old and recently divorced after 22 years. I have a bf I've been dating for 3 months. He seems into me yet always waits till the last minute to ask me to do anything and it seems like I'm making more of an effort than he is. I'm thinking he is taking me for granted and maybe I'm being too convienent. We have dinner plans for tonight but I almost feel as though I should cancel and start playing the unavailable game. Yet at our age I don't know if this the right thing to do or if I should talk to him about it. He doesn't seem like he's playing games it's just that he seems like he isn't trying hard to spend time with me. I'm thinking that talking to him about it might make me look needy. I want him to pursue me more and make a little more effort and spend more time with me. What is the best way to attain this goal?
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female
reader, eh4ad +, writes (18 March 2009):
eh4ad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGinalolabridga....The answer seems so simple, yet i couldnt find the right one myself! Thanks for the help! Starting to have to date at my age after being married all my adult life...wow!
A
female
reader, eh4ad +, writes (18 March 2009):
eh4ad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrhythmandblues2....Wow! I have a lot to learn! Not looking forward to it. Thanks for the great advice!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Don't cancel your dinner plans, that is just plain rude.
I would like to ask you though, at 44, why do you want to be a girlfriend to a man you have only known three months and is asking you out at the last minute?
Here is something I recently learned and wished I had known all my life as I am older than you are and still single, so you can imagine the heartbreak I have been through with men!
Men do not see relationships the same way we women do. The ultimate goal is to live happily ever after with one person at least for as long as it lasts, that is what we women want, truthfully, and that can be marriage and kids or it can just be a permanent living together kind of companionship relationship, which is what I want at the present moment, I am not too tied to the idea of marriage.
Getting to a commitment with a man in that he steps up and claims you as the ONE he wants to spend the rest of his life with and have a happy ever after is a process.....
We women see events as markers as to how far along we are to that process and if we see the first couple of important milestones happening, we settle for being a girlfriend and think that our man is fully committed to us, but he isn't. Everything up until when marriage is on the table and a ring and a date is set is "just dating" to a man, and he can choose to get off that path to commitment anytime he wants to and leave you wondering what the heck happened, I have met his parents and we have taken our trips together, I have had sex with him, we date only each other and so on. Men don't see events as markers to how committed they are, it is still all just a part of dating us. Now if he doesn't do those things, it means something, but if he does do those things, it doesn't mean anything....weird huh?
Being a girlfriend at our age is a trap. The reason it is a trap is it keeps us ready and waiting for our guy without a commitment from him and here we are possibly wasting our precious heart and time on him for what? A chance to be with him. Well, don't fall into that trap, never completely take yourself off of the market, date as many men as you can, and you don't have to sleep with more than one man, but guess what you can if you want to without that proposal of marriage. Does he have to like it, no. You can agree to be sexually monogomous with him and he likewise, but you can still have men friends, and go on coffee dates with men and let as many men as you can take care of you emotionally, until that one man steps up and claims you as the ONE, then you get engaged or whatever and go towards your Happy Ever After.
And it is the knowledge that your guy, your special one will realize the fact that he could lose you if he isn't careful and doesn't pay attention to you. And by you taking the pressure off of him by being too tied to the outcoume of this relationship, by not caring all that much, it really ends up getting you what you want, the guy, weird huh.
Your guy also wants to feel emotionally connected to you, so you have to learn to be vulnerable in the moment and show him your feelings more, be more feminine and he will just melt into you.......this is a hard one for me to do, to show more of my vulnerable side.
So, don't play hard to get. Be the higest level of difficulty, honor yourself, focus on yourself not him and be responsible for your own happiness. Be busy, don't wait around to the last minute to accept a date from him, tell him sorry, I have plans that night, how about this night and then nail him on the date....but don't allow him to take you for granted, that is not the priviledge of being a girlfriend and that is why it is a trap, for YOU!
And here we thought that being a girlfriend is what we are after, it isn't. What we are after is the happy ever after and don't you go getting off that path and following that man who has jumped off that path around and worry and fuss about what it is he is doing.....don't do that to yourself, focus instead on you....do what you want with YOUR life and he will figure out how to fit into that on his own without you doing a thing.
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A
male
reader, Monkey76  +, writes (18 March 2009):
Relax, Consider the timescales involved here. You were married for 22 years and you have been dating now for 3 months. Ask yourself WHY you are so keen to be pursued and whether this need would be forfilled by anyone showing enough will. Take time to learn about the person you may find yourself falling in love with. Be choosy and maybe play a bit harder to get, you will soon discover others intensions when doing so.Don't be scared to mention what's on your mind, a discerning partner only respect you for this but it may be considered a bit premature right now especially if it too presumptuous or heavy. Have fun,laugh,be truthful and the chemistry may do the rest.
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A
female
reader, eh4ad +, writes (18 March 2009):
eh4ad is verified as being by the original poster of the question"damluvaam" thanks that sounds like real honest good advice!
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