A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I were supposed to go to Jamaica yesterday. I booked the ticket for us back in April. He left to his home country in August and the first thing I said was remember our October trip.Anyhow three days ago, I kept asking if he had bought his ticket to come back home and he kept leading me on with excuses. Two days before his trip he didnt answer his phone and a day before his trip, I texted , called several ties and emailed him because I knew if he have not left his country then he won't make the trip.Well after 8pm in the evening a day before our trip he emails me and starts to apologize and he will make it up to me by paying the difference of the money loss if we postponed the trip.Tell me if I overreacted? Firstly email is not the best means of communication, secondly, nothing in his email proved that he did the best he could do to avoid missing this trip and lastly, this is not about money it is about respect and principles.So I went off on him in my reply to his email and told him when people jump 10 hurdles for you, learn to jump at least 20 hurdles back or if not try to show you are willing to jump any hurldles.He did not respond back until now. Once again by email and that is because he wanted to know if things are not ok with us and our modd, should he re-route his arrival back to Chicago where he is from. Mind you his plan was to move down here with me and I have already found a job for him and all he needs to do is schedule an interview. He states in his email that this is not pride and that he is only asking to pay me back because it is his responsiblity.I see the whole thing as him being arrogant, disrespectful and ungrateful. Maybe its how men act when they mess up but I dont now how to handle this.What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJonas, hey a girl gotta eat some good food sometimes. We cook at home more often than dining out. And it is no expensive restaurants. He doesn't have a 9-5 job but he still have a little income flow from his side business so he is not completely broke lol Geez. He is still able to pay his bills without my involvement. Everyone has credit card bills. You need credit to build credit isn't it. He is not opening new accounts but simply paying for the ones he had already acquired in the past.No I am not mad at your comments, I am just stating how we are living under the circumstances.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 October 2011):
 aw that is a beautiful update:) Your Heart is with this guy. You are his champion. So I do hope he meets all your expectations.Hopefully his CV is in A+good order (don't do it for him - he has to package the product (himself).And he has to win the job all by himself.If he is all as you describe he will have no problem.Making up to you, IMHO, would probably consist of going through some mock interviews where he has previously identified likely questions, and where he has worked out the key points for the optimum answers.And then You ask those questions in random order, and he has to answer (without notes) and provide those optimum answers to you.Because these represents actions that are pro-active about getting a job.But I suspect that making up to you may be way different to that :) Men tend to think their version of making with delightful sweet talk, up will fix all problems. If yes I guess you'll just have to enjoy :)Best Wishes. If he doesn't marry you soon, he's mad
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella you are always on point...I have a feeling and a strong belief this big boy will graduate with honors into a full blown responsible man...He has proven himself to me in so may ways. Except that this missing a vacation threw me for a loop- Which by now, I have a clearer mindset of our relationship. As someone stated earlier we both have our faults.Well a quick update --- He finally called yesterday scared to his pants. Couldn't bring himself to think he have dissapointed me and cause me so much pain. Nothing like this have ever happened to him before so he didn't know how to address it to my face because he was scred and ashamed of what everyone including my parents think of him right now. He actually thought I don't ever want to have anything to do with him after this. I just smiled because whether he is putting up a front, that is the reaction I wanted to hear from him. He will be coming back tomorrow to the States and he is already looking for a place for us to go to make up for the loss and dissapointment.With that said, a lot have been said but not all so I think this man may be painted as lazy, mooching off women disrespectful bastard. But I also do my study of my man. The missing the vacation was one I couldn't quite understand if it is worth forgiving that is why I came on the board to seek advise. Ofcourse I was heated too at the moment.His plans for job hunting shifted after making the decison that it was him that will have to relocate. So it has not been easy. Please if anyone knows of any reliable temp agency in DC that is hiring, help us help us help us. He has a bachelors in Engineering but is opened to any job positions right now. This man wakes up every morning looking for a job and when he is not out looking, he is on the internet dealing with the little business deal he got in his home country. A little funds comes out of it because he is still paying for his apartment in Chicago, car note and credit cards which I have never helped him out with. The only loan between me and him is the airfare ticket monies for when we visit each other. He always want to be the one paying for the trip hence the reason why it became a loan cos' he promises every dime back. The only other time I loaned him money was a $1,000 and that is it. I have stopped any loans since May and since then he have been visiting me on his own dime and now he is relocating to be with me. Anytime I help out with restaurant bills, a tear gushes out of his eyes. He passionately hates the situation he is. I am not a fool for love or blinded by the dick. And I don't pay for love either. You said "Would expect or suspect that your man is and can be charming, even charismatic and delights you, especially when he is getting spoilt." lol , actually he is the most annoying when I try to do anything for him because he frowns upon it when its done all the time. And I am not talking being spoilt monetaryily only. I am talking of simple things like picking his laundry up, showing him around my area or surfing the internet and searching for things before he can even get to it. He hates when I am proactive than him and more aggressive because he is laid back and I am a pusher. He has actually been rebelious against these things one example is the suggestion for a vacation, he was against it because he knew it will be funded by me. Or nowadays before telling me something, he would have done his research because he knows if he mentions something, I will jump on the internet and be trying to get answers which makes him feel like he is not fast enough. Another recent example I am already asking what time he is gonna get to the airport and he said dont't worry about it, I will find my way. Anything to make him feel like he can atleast do things for himself. He has been doing this to prove to me that he is not with me for my money.Trust me I have done my own background check on this guy. Nothing that cost me money. lol a lil snooping here and there or asking friends that used to know him in the past just who this guy is in general. He was well established years ago and have been hustling since high school. The only guy in his class that had a vehicle in junior high. Well for those that don't know in other countries this is a big deal because those things are not afforded to you like the United States. His parent one from a teaching background and the other one owned a oil and Gas Business, a business in which the first child in their family now operates. He could easily go and work for the family business but I heard he has never been the one to rely on such so he hustled and started his own business at an earlier age to prove that even as the last child he doesnt have to rely on family wealth.After all is said and done.. I have a lot to work on as well on myself. Being too independent or trying to help everybody. This is my nature as a person. I am in control of everything around me. My parents depend on me to kick any rude or non-cooperating customer service rep butt if they are done wrong. I am a go getter and very aggressive. It is a trait in me that I have to dummy down a little so a man can spoil me too. My level of independence is so high and I am working on allowing others not only my boyfriend but my co workers, friends and families need to spoil me too. So help me God. I am trying.Also Jonas said ""I always believe if a man doesn't know how to manage his own finances, he is not fit to be a good father because he can't even take care of himself. How on earth is he gonna handle responsibility then?""wow preach girl. One thing that I know is if this man was an opportunist, he would have impregnated me because I actually want a family now. I am ready to get married and have children. When we talked about babies, he always looks down pitifully. It is so surreal to see a man actually look at themself as someone who is not ready to be a father now vs. someone who would have said, hey my woman got money we will be ok or my child is in good hands. He actually wants to play that traditional role of being a provider for his wife and kids. LOL I think that I have defended him too much and may be coming off as blinded by love. But my sister will tell anybody out there, that her sister (me) is the ultimate heartbreaker. She doesn't waste too much time in rolling out of a man's life and moving on if he is not worth it or is a sorry loser. My man knows he is running the risk of losing me if something does not change soon hence his trip to his home country which he said had a little bit of a good outcome and was not a waste of time. Now please once again, help a brother out with a temp agency referral number if you can. A serious graduate is looking for a stable job. This is the break that we need because once he is stable we will have no issues. This has been our only problem-Finances. And a job and stable income is our outlet.We love each other and trying to be there for one another. Thanks for all the advice. I will update this topic as we go along. I know he will graduate with honors. Only a matter of time.
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reader, Abella +, writes (18 October 2011):
Jonas is Brilliant!
What a perfect quote, from Jonas:
"I always believe if a man doesn't know how to manage his own finances, he is not fit to be a good father because he can't even take care of himself. How on earth is he gonna handle responsibility then?"
Would expect or suspect that your man is and can be charming, even charismatic and delights you, especially when he is getting spoilt.
Jonas is correct again. Too much spoiling of a guy and he stops working as hard at everything, including the relationship. he becomes less hungry to do it for himself.
Yes I am very happy for you that he is proud of you and chooses to introduce you to all his family and friends.
I think, whether you want children or not, looking at a Man from the perspective of "would I regard this man as a great role model of a man who has all the qualities to be a great father to my unborn children?" This really sorts out the men you want versus the man you need in your life.
It gets you thinking. Now I have added in some extremes below, just to make a point. Though this is NOT your guy. But I needed examples to demonstrate the game.
Which is to examine the guy for suitability for the future.
If a guy is lazy and disorganised? No votes. If a guy is bitter and twisted or cruel and sneers at things? No votes. If the guy is unkind to animals? No votes. Abusive/ NO votes. Add if your own "Must haves" and "Must not have" attributes.
Play that game in your mind and you will soon see which guys fit and which guys do not fit your future.
And I agree with Jonas, a guy needs to be responsible and take responsibility for what he agrees to do and explain himself adequately, if a change of plans is required.
He needs to be well organised. To not Blame anyone when
he messes up, but instead to face up to where his shortcomings are and address them.
Can he cook (yes please). Does he clean up after himself.(yes yes please) Is he too mean or a spenthrift (you don't want either)
He loves introducing you to friends and family. That means you are important to him. And very very presentable. He gets a buzz from showing you off. I bet he enjoys that you are stunning.
Otherwise he would hide you away.
I think he likes that you have some qualities that he does not have.
Money is important to him.
Formalise that loan, and document it in writing.
You do not want to join those with SAD. (Sexually Acquired Debts). A relationship should not be drowning in loans and borrowing SSS from partners. What is wrong with a budget where a person lives within their means?
He owes you money now and he needs to step up and start paying it back.
It is so frightening to read of women who have willingly kept on giving and giving $$$$ until they had no more to give.
At which point the man walks out of their lives. And on to the next girl willing to loan them the money they are not making for themselves, so that the man can continue to live at the level and pace that they think they deserves. At his partner's expense.
He may be the one.
Or He is the one, but he just needs to do a little more to prove it.
Expect the best behavior from him. Applaud him when he succeeds.
But take a step back if he disappoints you. Withdraw in disappointment. Silence can be a stronger censure than any words complaining about poor behavior. And do something else that you enjoy, instead of "helping him out"
Good luck with your training program for your man. Hope he graduates with honors!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionResponding to anonymouns female reader:Thanks for the two authors you recommeded. I am going to check them out. I am trying to sit back to assess the relationship to see if this is one-sided commitment. I will say sometimes it feels like that because there are expectations that aren't met such as regular phone calls, skpye because it was LDR, returning phone calls when you say "I'll call you back", checking on me regularly to see how my day is going, sending me a card or gift on my 30th bday even though he was out of the country e.t.cAt the same time, if he is not commited why is he taking me to family functions, introducing me as wifey to friends and mom, talking about marriage e.t.c. I want to believe that his struggle to make it and be rich again like he once did is causing the problems in our relationship. Yes I will admit I can be controlling but only because he has asked me for help. He is like a big baby boy that needs to be pushed everytime. But don't like the way he is being pushed. So I am damned if I try and I am damned if I don't. I have learnt my lesson. I have to just let him be and make his mistakes and get himself out of the mess. Leaving the impression that I can help him and he is not getting there fast enough could hurt him more. From the honest sincere bottom of my heart, I planned this trip for us to get out of our comfort zone for once and do something together and I feel like he repaid me with regrets. Should I just live with the fact that he has told me I am the woman of his dreams he wants to marry me and not expect him to do the work and wait for him? Does sitting back mean I have to keep my options open for another man? These are some other questions I have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTaking notes. Great coming to this site. I know that I can do all you guys have suggested. I have already started anyways. The trip was the last straw. He still have yet to call so I still dont have any valid explanation from him. I think I may have to even leave that alone even when he calls. He initiates and I follow is my motto from now on. He needs to get his spoilt behind to work and then his pride can match his actions and potentially save the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): Just because you are committed to your 'relationship' does not mean that he is too.....Women all too often assume that because they are committed then the other person is or they expect their partner to be committed just because they are...It does not work that wayTake a step back and honestly assess your relationship, he may not want to be committed to you and you cannot force him to on the back of the fact that you have helped him in hard times....Rather than generalize about how men behave(this attitude will only work against you), truly see your relationship for what it is...It's not just about blinkers but about being honest...women have a way of deceiving themselves that they are in a committed relationship but this commitment is one-sided and because they have expectations they become disappointed....They put themselves in a position where they are doing all the 'work' to keep the relationship going...When you find yourself having to do just about everything to keep a relationship with someone ie overcompensating for your partners lack of commitment or motivation to move the relationship forward then you need to be honest and by honest I mean be prepared to cut your losses and move on if need be....Don't try to manipulate or guilt someone into committing to you, even if you succeed and get married it could lead to even bigger heartache..Read Christian Carters' 'From casual to committed' or Google Mimi Tanner 'Hard to get'.....On the flip side, from you response your man may feel like you will be the partner that will end up controlling his life without him having a say...You talk about respect but by booking a flight without consulting him it's as if you are being controlling and he would not want that....'He has already told you he hates how you keep doing these things'....Whether the intentions are good or not or even if it makes sense you are showing him a trait he does not want to be stuck with...'a controlling woman'...I bet there are many more incidents and you may not be doing this consciously but he is getting a sense that being with you will eventually lead to you 'taking over his life' and individuality..No man wants that....This your putting all the 'work' may be your way to control the relationship cos you feel if you do this and that then he owes you....Be honest with yourself He has his faults and so do you
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reader, Abella +, writes (16 October 2011):
hi, i do hope this IS his big break. But no more loans to him. And go dutch with dates. And he needs to start repaying you immediately at a regular fixed amount.
Just take care he does not sweet talk you with dreams and rainbows.
Be firm. You are a kind person, you are not a Bank. If the bank will not lend him the money then he is too big a risk to lend more to.
Hope it works out and gets better
Regards
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks once again AbellaI have never really been that woman that does too much for a guy but I am a very compassionate person. When I met this man, with his financial issues, he was ready to settle down but the only thing standing in his way was the fact that he didnt feel complete as a man yet. His business deal went bad and he lost lots of money, and he didnt have a job. I thought hey I have helped many in my family in this state so why not my man. I started helping him out with his resume but for a long time no one was really interested. This was the first person I helped out with their resume that was having difficulty with a job so I just thought its the economy and we just have to be patient.So this where the doing it all started. My mindset is I will help out as much as I can but as soon as he starts earning money and gets his feet back on the ground I will stop. It was a long distance and I will fly down to see him more than he did ofcourse but he will take me out and spend some money which I found out was credit cards. Well then we found out this was messing up his credit. So all in all I am still in hopes that he is a responsible man and all he needs is a job. Also after so many trips and he started promising to repay me, for the first time I started saying no when he tried to borrow money and then I asked for my loaned money back. The response was not too pleasant and up until now I have yet to receive anything back. Because he could not wait any longer for the job here and got frustrated, this is the reason why he went to his home country again where he has some business to see if he can make some money. The day he was leaving, I received a letter that he has been called for an interview. So thank God finally a break. I expected him not to spend more than a month but he is there now for 2months. This vacation was supposed to be his welcome home let's take a break weekend trip but I guess he messed that up for both of us and now he is emailing me to see if we are not ok then he should reroute to Chicago. lol this also raises a red flag. Now that he may have mde a little bit of money he is flaunting repaying me back for my loss for the trip and now threatening to move back to his state.We will see how this turns out. I have been a good woman and I dont feel regret anymore. This is the break we have been waiting for. No more excuses of him not having money. Let's see if he really sees me as his queen and will do for me as promised. If this is the end of the relationship it will hurt for a yr and some months waste of time but I will never be the same after this. No one will ever get into my pockets again and no more Mr. Nice guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJonas at this point believing that he really didnt want to go because I did not consult him first will be one of my assumption. But I was on the phone with him before I pushed the submit button. He hesitated when asked like he always do but kept quiet so I purchased the ticket. If he was not ok with it he is the type of man that dont pretend, he would have told me and I would have found other alternatives. Why wait till the very last minute to do such a cruel thing. He was not forced by no means. If he did what he did to spite me then i think we may be heading to a break up because there cant be any trust there anymore.As far as allowing him to explain himself, we have not spoken on phone and he has only sent me two emails with the beginning sentence starting with a "I know there is no amount of talking or money that can take away the pain and dissapointment that I have cuased you and I for missing this trip unintentionally..." and then he goes on about paying for the cost difference or the entire ticket cost if i can rebook it for next week. I do not plan to rebook another trip with him anytime soon. The excitement for that in me is gone so he can kiss that idea bye bye. And as far as the money, I told him to not bother that God will repay me for the loss. I said this because of the way he was emphasing money and the money part really isnt the issue, its the disrespect I feel from him.Anyhow I will take one thing away from this site, which is to hold back and let him be the man and do the man thing the way he wants to do it instead of controlling things because Im making more money. After this hurt I feel, I have no desire to do anything above and beyond as I have been doing in the past. I dont think he is unappreciative but he may be feeling been taken advantage of and I just have to let him be the MAN. If we go out and he is penniless, I will opt for a walk in the park instead. I cant be trying to save him everytime and then inreturn my payback is regret.
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reader, Abella +, writes (16 October 2011):
Thank you for the update.
Sometimes when in love a woman can have blinkers on to the real nature of her guy. And she can excuse and overlook things she should not. And "Love her man too much"
It spoils the man.
And it does the woman no favors.
If you do too much for a man then he comes to expect that you will do more next time, and even more the next time. And eventually he comes to expect it. Meaning the end of the relationship is coming.
A long time ago I marvelled at this woman who seemed to be treated like a Princess. And I do not agree with all of her actions. But I can say that she was not averse to acting helpless. It irritated me. But guess what? Guys were always stepping in to "help" her. Yet she was financially savvy, had an excellent job, was not in any way incapable and she had a high average in her studies. Always immaculate in her presentation, as she always put herself first.
In some ways yes I agree I did feel that she was manipulative. And I did not like that. But she certainly got treated like a Princess by naive men who wanted to step in solve her myriad of issues/problems/ requests and help her with all manner of things she needed help with, when she battered her eyelashes.
I do not recommend that you go down that "helpless" route, but I certainly do suggest that stepping back and allowing him to spoil you (if he is willing) is the smarter way to go.
Men love to feel that they have made a difference. in a positive way. And they hate to feel that they are not needed in any way, especially when they think that you do not need them beyond the bedroom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrust me I tried to go by myself or grab someone but the cancellation fees and the rebooking fees for another passenger was not worth it. God knows why things happens this way. I am left with clueless thoughts of why and how it happened. I had a very bad instinct but failed to believe it will happen. I am deeply hurt but trying to be strong about it. No one fails to be beyond dissapointing me anymore after this. I am still in shock.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis by far is the best advice I have ever received on this website and I thank you for not being biased and straight to the pointI love this man and even though I thought he loved me, his commitment is questionable and on the line for how he handled this matter. I just dont know if I should really keep him in a dog house for long because I am not sure if this was done on purpose.To answer your first question, yes he has financial issues. I met him while he lost lots of money to a bad business deal. I have supported him all the way but he seems to have problems with a woman helping him because he loves to protect his manhood a lot.I am beginning to want to step back but this incident have really sealed the deal. I have to stop showing him how much I care and just hold back for a while. If we go out, I am not initiating to help with the bill anymore. I think it is highly ungrateful for anyone to do this to the person that loves them.When I first bought the ticket he yelled at me for not consulting him first and he hates how I think i can keep doing these things. I reminded him that we have had this talk before that those cheap Carribean websites deal dont stay for long and you have to purchase them immediately. He got over it and was cool with it. Two weeks ago he was singing about Jamaica on the phone so there was a lil excitement there. My guts tells me he may have not done it intentionally to hurt me but he did what he did to prove a point now that he is coming up with some money from his home country. At this point, he broke something in me and I'm not sure if it is trust but a part of me don't want to be bothered by him. I fear that we have made all this plans for him to relocate and be closer to me and all of a sudden reality is setting in and its looking like this might be a bad decision for now. How do I fake how I miss him or making love to him? My mind have to be fully convinced that he did not act in such a cruel matter on purpose. Right now my mind is divided. Could this be the end of this relationship which I thought was sweet and loving with so much chemistry? Could money break two loving people apart out of jealousy? I am so scared of the outcome.
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reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 It sounds like he really never planned on going with you. It's a shame you didn't grab a gal pal and head off there without him. He doesn't sound like a keeper to me.
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reader, Abella +, writes (16 October 2011):
sadly this guy seems a bit short of strong backbone. I would question his commitment to you. Does he have money issues or commitment issues? Did he feel pushed, but had not the courage to tell you?
And yes he should have picked up the phone a week ago and explained things directly. Not hidden behind an email for something as big as this.
It would seem, despite any impression he gave, that he did not want to go there, but had not the courage to say so.
And yes, everything after he decided he was not coming, should have been communicated to you in a more timely manner.
It is a Respect thing. It has messed you around. I would not feel I could rely on a guy like this guy. Not when it really counted. He sounds like the sort of guy who might leave a girl standing at the altar, wondering, wondering:
'where is he?'
Maybe he does have his good moments?. But this time he is out of line.
If it were me I would step back from trying to do anything. Let him do the calling, let him arrange dates, let him liaise where required.
Sit back and allow him the time to show you how much effort he is prepared to put into the relationship.
Put your phone on record. so even if he phones he is met with '..... Is nor here right now...erc). Phone him back when it suits you.
Don't be in a hurry to open nor respond to his emails.
Putting some distance between the two of you will either ensure he comes up to scratch and tries really hard to regain your love and support.
If he is easily discouraged then there will be your answer, if he was never really committed to you (look at his actions, not his words) in the first place.
It is sad, but guys often know all the right words to say, but do not mean those words.
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