A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi friends,I am here to know the opinion about how I am feeling is co-related in any manner with any one of you or am I the only person feeling this way. So I'm dating a guy who is 8 years elder to me and it's only beem 6 months to this relationship we are in.The only problem I have to deal with him lately these days is his "FRIENDS". To be honest, I don't like them for they've been involved in his life too much and then, cause him trouble too by spreading rumoirs about him in his Organization, of which I'm not a part anymore but share mutual friends, but with bad experiences.So if I've to brief a bit about him, I would say he is a little party animal who wants to keep going with his team-mates and he would go that extra mile to keep his team intact as he is the Manager. Also, when it comes to his work, he himself says that he is an inert at work or you can call him a typical workaholic, which is fine with me till it affects my personal relationship with him.Moreover, since it's my new relationship with him as of now so I don't wanna sound clingy to him which is why I need your help here.So lately, he has been more into parties and get-together with his office mates, despite knowing about what I feel for whom and this whole situation.Sadly, I'm neither able to change this situation, nor able to accept it. And, what has ticked me this time is his statement which he made last time when we were trying to sort this matter out by talking. The statement made by him was that he would keep switching on his care from time to time among his friends so that they would not mind it if he ignored them later. On asking him further to elaborate upon it, he told me that at this point of time he couldn't afford to go away from his team as they need him. He says that his team is drifting apart and that's the last thing on the Earth he wants to explore. I've always supported him on this. I even tried to accept the fact that his job needs him more time than me. But what hurts is not his words, rather his actions, which seem to say that I'm one of his priorities no doubt, but not the top priority as I keep him in my life.I've always been adjusting till this moment when I doubt on him to cheat me in the future. I just don't get good vibes from his other girl friends and I'm not being insecure here. I really feel they are not the best people to be with, atleast for him to hangout and that he needs to make new friends.However, whenever we try to talk about it. He starts cribbing about my friends in return and says that 8 out of 10 people in my friends list, are not interested in my friendship, but to get into my pants. I've neen extremely loyal to my boyfriend about any guy I've been with or hangout with. But he sounds so mysterious to me now. He would do the same thing to me that he does generally with his friends, which is to oscillate between CARE and NON-CARE Zone. I guess this is his way or strategy to keep people near him well-balanced and happy, which I don't approve of. How can someone have this tendency to keep one's relationships uptight? I don't understand if I should keep going with him the way it is without thinking much about it or just break up with him because of his friends who were never nice to me and are selfish to him too. Also, these friends don't know about our relationship except a few and my boyfriend generally ignores me when he is with them, which I don't like.I've tried talkig this out too but it always turns into another argument.Please show me some insight on it.Thanks.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (28 March 2015):
Do you want ANY of those problems forever?
-His priority is his job
-He's a party animal
-Work always comes before your relationship
-You don't like his friends or girl friends
-He doesn't like yours
-He scrutinizes your male friends
-He's a workaholic
-He chooses friends unwisely
One thing that I have figured out after many years on this planet is that Assholes tend to hang out with other Assholes. You can tell a LOT about a person by the company that they choose to keep.
If he's just hanging around them to be the group leader, then 3 nights a week maximum till 11pm is MORE than enough for team building dinners; or a drink at the bar after work until 8pm. Living, eating and breathing work isn't a great way to live and everyone needs their down time.
If he's doing more than that, I'd Red Flag the relationship because you don't want to have a husband and father who isn't home; especially considering he's not a CEO or a Doctor (then you could have expected his work demanding time away).
Hanging around predatory females and calling them friends is what guys do when they aren't fully committed. When a guy REALLY wants to please THE woman in their life; they don't hang around other women who are hitting on them. I've seen that scenario played out many times AND I've seen guys clean up their act and dump the predatory females when they are committed to the woman they are in a relationship with. He's hanging out with them for the ego boost and he doesn't mind if they are available and obvious; obviously your opinion and feelings on this one aren't a priority to him.
And I think that considering his age and your age; if your relationship WAS a priority at all, he's definitely at the age when most guys are looking to settle down. Especially corporate types. They are expected to have a stable life including a wife and family; and if he is eight years older and you are between 22 and 25, you are both in reasonable age groups to be heading in that direction; and yet you AREN'T his priority.
It kind of feels to me like you are not the one for him, AND from the total lack of good things that You have said about him (did you notice that?), he is Not the one for You. Otherwise, he would have made your his top priority all along and YOU, also, are questioning this whole thing as well.
Calling yourself clingy when you are NOT clingy (because he hasn't got any time for you), is just misplaced and you making excuses and blaming yourself for his behaviour so that You Don't Have To Make A Choice to get out of a relationship that isn't working.
You are dating to find a partner, six months is a reasonable time to have seen whether or not its working. Having arguments instead of discussing what's not working isn't really a great starting point for a future.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 March 2015):
 I would not have dated a person who works during the day then "work" at night too. There would be no relationship. I don't think you would be top priority after one year or 5 years. I put a lot of importance in the courting stage. If does not care about impressing you and giving you his time, you are just a girl tolerating the scraps he's giving you. I don't like secrets either. I know he's 8 years older than you but if older doesn't mean established in career then you might have to wait a longer time to find one. It's a sad world when people have to work 2 jobs trying to squeeze a lover in. Working 9 to 5 then relaxing at home may be a thing of the past. I don't know about your country. If you spend every living minute thinking about survival then it's not really living. The way I see it is that I would be happier being single than be with this guy because one day I would run out of compassion. You can always wait, until his business becomes stable and permanent. I have no faith in business nowadays. He has to show me it's a workable goal and the struggle for maintaining a team will be over. Business can be a hit or miss. You can not control customer interest or worker interest like they are your own mind. Maybe if he has time to make you feel happy and special you would have waited for him. I am older than your generation but I still think if a person does not have time for relationships they shouldn't be dating. It's not being spoiled of instant gratification. Being single and free is better than the waiting game.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): Your relationship is only six-months old. How can you be his top-priority; when your relationship is really still in the phase that you are both getting to know each other? You are still in the process of making the adjustments to consolidate and intertwine your lives, and while figuring-out how you truly feel about each other. Your relationship is still in its infancy.
I got a tiny peep into the crux of this situation; when you mentioned his opinion of YOUR friends. He feels they're more interested in getting into your pants? I gather they are mostly men. Don't downplay that, because it is significant to him. You say he is a workaholic and puts a lot of his time into partying and rallying his team together. I think you are comparing apples to oranges here.
Comparing his personal-life, to his professional-life. He has been dedicated to his team and his job, long before you came into the picture. In order to maintain the group he has put together; he may do the things necessary to keep the talent he appreciates and depends on. It's a competitive-world, and people will leave if they find better opportunities. These people are probably the secret to his success. There is always gossip and innuendo in a work-setting. It all comes with the territory. Yes, even friends will stab you in the back. Do you think he's stupid?
You pretend not to want to be clingy, and claim you try to understand. You don't.
You only care about the personal-side of his life, and if he was a party-animal; he wouldn't have time, nor the focus to be a workaholic. He wouldn't have the determination to keep his team together. It would all fly apart or out of control. He plays by his own rules when it comes to his job.
I think this boils down to you needing him to prove you're a priority in his life. We have two sides to our lives. Our personal, and the professional-side. The personal-side takes care of our human needs. The professional-side pays the bills, sets out goals, buys you expensive presents, and pays for romantic-vacations. If you haven't gotten any yet, he's still figuring-out how he feels about you. He's not the only one being evaluated here. Like I said, there is the personal-life, and the professional-life.
You need to be faithful to one, and dedicated to the other; in order to maintain balance between the two. You haven't been together long enough for all that to adjust itself.
You're acting your age, and he's acting his. In spite of your negative-opinion; what he's doing has worked for him. You always have the option to dump him, and move on.
Time will put things into proper-perspective, as you both grow to realize your importance in each others lives. You are of the millennium-generation, used to immediate-
gratification; and he's from the decade just before yours. They are the "me" generation. There will be conflicts in values, but time will iron-out those bumps and crimps that you've described. Just try to be patient. Wisely, you have talked to him about your feelings. It may not be apparent to you; but he takes them into account. He doesn't need to be told what to do, or how to behave with his friends. He can handle that situation, and he doesn't care for your interference. His party-animal approach, as you describe it, will slow down and adapt itself to you being his mate.
His life will not change over-night. You just haven't been in it long enough for that to happen. You are also needy. You may not like my observation; but you didn't spare any words in giving your opinion of your boyfriend, and how he conducts his life and his business.
His professional/party-life only affects your relationship; because you are putting yourself into his professional arena, and trying to control him there. He is being resistant to your telling him about his friends; because he knows them better than you do. He also knows how we men play the games of survival and business; and from the outside looking in, it can look pretty terrible to women. I know exactly where you're coming from. It just doesn't make any sense, and it looks pretty juvenile at times. Even downright stupid. Trust me, you're not wrong. You're right!
You have to stay the course. It's rocky, because you are both adjusting to changes in your lives. He knows you're there, and he appreciates you. If he neglects you, I know for sure you're not the kind that will let that happen.
Show some patience, and continue to let him know when he makes you feel under-appreciated. Just don't try to tell him how to run his business, and he will learn how to balance his personal and professional lives. If things don't fall into place for you, choose your best options.
Put yourself first, if he doesn't seem to value you as much as you feel he should.
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