A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm an introvert. I live with my partner who likes his space as well. As a true introvert, I'm happy and completely content in my own company. I'm self employed and happy plodding on with what I need to achieve each day. I walk my dog and always put him first. Giving him the best life I can is so important to me. I'm just happy.. listening to music or podcasts while I work or garden and I'm just contented with those simple things. I feel like lots of people in my life can't handle their own company and crave attention. My mom for example. She only works a few hours a week and outside of that she really doesn't know what to do with herself.. and tends to 'pop round for a coffee' at times that suit her, where she stays for a couple of hours and vents about any problems. Same happens with friends. They want coffees and catchup, which involve me listening to their problems and being supportive. It sounds terrible to admit, but I don't personally need that support myself, outside of my partner. I'm a kind person and a good listener but I'm sick of being everyone's emotional crutch.. in these one-sided relationships. I feel I'm either there to ease someone's boredom or as a free counselor. I have a friend, for instance, that I supported through a difficult time, as she lived with an alcoholic. Now that she's left him, she's off with other friends on trips and having fun and I haven't heard from her in months. I was only pulled in for support. Last we spoke, I was about to put my other dog to sleep and apologized for not having been walking with her for a while. I realise now she distanced herself when she thought I might need support. I didn't need anything (though a sympathetic text might've been nice). I was processing things fine, but the principle is that this person I provided so much support to ran in the other direction when she thought I might need some. I feel I'm providing a free service for people. I find all my relationships outside my home to be one-sided and I'm just happy doing my own thing. I fantasize about moving far away, like on the show, WHERE THE WILD MEN ARE, where my time is my own and I can live life on my own terms. My empathy for humans has really lessened over the years. I find most people only care about what they can take from others. I have been hurt and let down a lot. I choose now to put my time into helping animals and nature. I feel I'm making a difference.. caring for things that deserve my energy.Anyone else feel like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2022): People who work from home and/or self employed where they get paid according to how much they get done, tend to value their time a lot more than you do. Anyway, people coming over and whinging about their latest gripe while you just sit there listening is not really providing a service. Just sitting there and letting them go on is not something anyone would pay for. If you were able to give them sensible advice and help them to solve their problem and point out facts and options to them that would be different, you could charge for that. But you have already made it clear you cannot figure out your own options so that is not an option for you. People who earn their living by advising others - whether psychics, life coaches, therapists, all need to be good at that and you cannot learn it, it is something which is built into your personality and character and how your brain ticks.
Ask yourself why everyone comes to you at these times? You yourself say it is because they are bored or because they want support. But why you? Let me tell you. Because their other friends are busy at work and cannot be disturbed. Because their other friends are out a lot. And if they just turn up they are not there. Because their other friends do not allow people to just waltz in for two hours when it suits and you do. That is why. Not because you are you and somehow special. You are more convenient. Your place as much as you. They want a quick fix today. They want to get whatever it is out of their system today and friend X has already told them she cannot meet up for four days. That is why. But do they value you enough to treat you as a friend, meeting up with you specially the way they arrange to meet up with friend X in a few days for fun?
My husband gets a similar situation to you but on phone. He runs a classic car club and is a classic car expert. He could have been a mechanic. He can strip down a car and put it back together and fix it all single handed. He also know about just about any car ever made and it's workings and where to get parts for it if needed. This is all valuable information that most people would be clueless about and which they would be too lazy or clueless about finding out.
Guess what happens? We get ridiculous situations like this. Someone comes to him and buys a car which needs to be stripped and put right - which is very time consuming.
They get it at a knock down price because it needs so much work done to it. Bear in mind that my husband could have sold it for a much higher price if he had put it right first. A few days later they phone him and want to bend his ear for two hours about where they can get this bit and that bit from and how to fix such and such bit and do this regularly. He happily sits there telling them because he loves talking about classic cars and it makes him feel important to know all the answers. Until I pointed out that he would be better off fixing the car first, then selling it for twice the price, rather than sell it cheap and then be on phone for a lot of time for free! You see knowledge you can sell. But just sitting there silently you cannot sell.
If you said they had to pay for that they would prefer to chat to their cat or dog or the coffee table. You must ask yourself what it is about you being there and letting them in to just sit and listen makes you think you could sell this as a service? And why you let people have this service? Yes you are giving them your time. But that is your choice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2022): You said - It sounds terrible to admit, but I don't personally need that support myself, outside of my partner. I'm a kind person and a good listener but I'm sick of being everyone's emotional crutch.. Yet here you are writing to us as your emotional crutch, venting your feelings and seeking support.
You also said that when your dog died it would have been nice if your friend had supported you. Yes you do want support, you are not as self sufficient emotionally as you claimed, which is why this upsets you.
You have two choices. You either continue to be everyone's one sided emotional crutch, because you like people popping in and chatting, even if they are not really friends and do not really care about you. OR you start to change how things are with these people. Insist that they arrange when it suits you to visit, insist that you visit them instead, make sure husband is flitting about when they come in to moan so they have to stick to safer subjects, there are lots of things you can do.
Instead of complaining and feeling hurt you need to accept or reject this behaviour. And then either feel the same but accept this is how you are or feel better because you were proactive instead of just feeling annoyed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2022): Last post right. You start as you mean to go on. If you work from home you usually work certain hours and cannot have people just turn up in the middle of it anyway! Or various people all turn up for long moans and not leaving you enough time to get your work done. You are better off working longer hours than seeing such people.. and being paid for that time.
The other lady was right too. Work on a tarot psychic type line when you are not too busy or fancy a chat where you decide if and when and how long for and get paid. These people you speak about not friends. Why give your address to them?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2022): I sympathise but moving is not an answer because you would still be the same and still allow the new people to treat you this way. This is not about getting away from this people it is about being different with people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2022): My wife had a similar thing to your thing. She is middle aged, quiet, shy, but she likes to be busy. She gave up her full time job and became a mix of housewife and web designer. The two things together worked well for her and one of them paid well. She met women who he started to mix with and they started to come around - always just turning up. She would hear about one of them having a party or get together but not get invited. But everyone came to her for stuff like expecting a free professional website !! Or help with making phone calls or writing letters. One very old lady expected her to go with her when she went somewhere nice - just to queue up for her dinner and cut it all up for her nicely so she could eat it and feed it to her. Another one expected her to spend hours and hours researching something for them - because she was too lazy to do it herself. Another one only wanted her to get her shopping and clean out her fridge - so that she would not have to pay a cleaner to do it. She became very depressed. Yeah she said no when people asked her to do stuff, but that was not the point. They all seemed to see her as just someone who was there to suit them when it suited them. It really upset her. She decided to do another part time business from home feeling she is better off working longer hours than being a convenience to such people - and I agree with her. Seems to me that if you are a woman at home a lot people think you are just there at their disposal for their benefit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2022): Hello, my husband used to think that if someone wanted to just turn up without being invited or checking that I am not too busy and want company I was wrong to be annoyed. About six months ago he retired. He is now at home a lot more. The other day he got up and told me he had decided to spend half the day reading the book which had just been published, he had been looking forward to this, and the other half watching cricket. He was thrilled that he no longer had to be out working and pleasing other people instead. Then the doorbell went and someone who assumed he was in thought they could just come in and bore him with something for ages. He was furious. For the first time he saw it from my point of view. Neither of us goes to the door if we are not expecting someone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2022): I am in some ways in a worse situation than you. Like you I like my own company so does the guy I live with. But I am severely physically disabled and struggle to get out of the house. So spend a lot more time at home than I would if I were ok. What I have found is that people know I am at home a lot, some know it is because I am disabled, others do not, so they get it into their head that when they are bothered about something or want a change of scene to get out of their place or want a listening ear and they cannot be bothered to arrange something and wait till tomorrow or the day after because tomorrow is another day and tomorrow they may feel fine and want to do something more exciting - they think they can just turn up here. Go on about whatever for as long as suits them and then go.
It never occurs to them that it would be kind to suggest that we go out together, with them helping me to get out of my four walls for a change. Or do something other than me just listening to them. It never occurs to them that I might be busy - I work as a writer and often have deadlines to stick to - they know all this but do not care.
It never occurs to them that I am in the bath or something other where it is awkward if not impossible to just jump to it. Or that I need a sleep. Or that I have someone else there where we want to talk in private.
There were two things that brought this to a head. My husband was abroad on business. Everyone knew I was stuck at home alone with no way of getting out. Yet they would still only phone or pop in (their pop ins would last for hours) to go on about them. Most of the things they went on about were silly little things or problems of their own making - such as staying with a man who treats them like shit. While my guy was away I slipped on some ice and broke my foot. I was laid up in bed and it was a real struggle as I also have a cat to feed and let in and out.
All of these friends knew this. All of them did not bother to phone, pop in or offer to help in anyway. Yet many of them would then ring just to moan about their shitty husband for hours. No thought that I could not get out to a shop and struggled to get out of bed to even get myself some food. This is not just a lack of sympathy it is downright selfish not to help practically when I had helped them many times.
One day a lady I had met at church a while back - my husband had taken me - turned up on the doorstep and wanted to just walk in and go on and on.She went on about her glorious years of selling perfume when she was much younger. Boasting about winning a prize for selling the most etc.
All very boring stuff and all quite pathetic as not a big story of success as she told it.
When she turned up it was always the same. Then we got near to Christmas and she turned up with a big wad of Christmas cards on her lap. She proudly told me all about selling perfume again and that she would put these Christmas cards through the letter boxes of all of her friends on the way home. I said oh I see,so where is MY card? I don't have a card for you,she said, you are not a friend, you are just someone I come to see when all of my friends are busy or I want to go on!!!! I threw her out and told her never to ever show her face here again.
I knew another woman who expected to be able to turn up here at any time on any day whenever she was bored or lonely.
Yet if she had a birthday thing, or it was Christmas time,
or I was ill I would hear nothing at all. She made it clear she did not care if I was sleeping or ill or busy so long as she could come over and lounge about as if it was her home.
She can dream on.
That's one of the things you must remember. Some of these people do not care whether you are there or not, they would gladly spew out whatever it is to anyone and some just want
to get out of their home and be somewhere else that is cosy and warm even if nobody is there at all, as if it is a drop in centre.
Let me tell you something. When I was less busy I used to work for a telephone psychic hot line. I used to earn about twenty dollars an hour listening to people who phoned to go on and on about their horrible boyfriend or whatever it was they wanted to get off their chests. These people you are allowing into your home whenever it suits them to go on
should be paying to ring those lines. Also,. when you work for such a line you work out which hours you are available and which hours you are off duty. And you can decide that day by day changing your mind when it suits you.
So if you have a slack day today and fancy a chat you can sign on for the day or until you change your mind.
None of this stuff about people just ringing when it suits them even if you are not in the mood or busy - and these people would be paying you for the same thing these others are expecting for free. It is also far less of an invasion of your privacy and time if it is on the phone. And you know they won't stay on the phone for hours because it costs them too much money. People only stop and think about whether or not to turn up or stay a long time when it inconveniences or costs them - they never look at it from your point of view.
I don't bother to work on that hot line now. I work as a writer, it is better and pays far better. But why would I let a bunch of selfish virtual strangers turn up for hours of a listening ear for free instead?
My time is valuable to me. I get days where I just want to relax and rest - whether it is catching up on netflix or whatever, doesn't matter, it is my time not theirs. I get days where I am feeling too ill to see people or prefer not to. And days where my husband takes me out for a nice change. He does this whenever we can. If these selfish people had their way I would never go out. They would want me to just sit here all day at their convenience. People like that are not friends.
We see my husband's family when we can and they would not dream of just turning up. I see people about my work and they cannot just turn up.
People who only want you in your life if you are their bolt hole, change or scene and listening ear are just using you.
The way you know if they are genuine is if they stay in touch in between needing it, if they are quick to include you in their fun things too, and if they show concern for you too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2022): If you and your partner like your own space it makes no sense that you let people just turn up without checking you are not busy and want company first.
I have a friend who is very controlling and decisive about visitors. She only lets people come if invited. If shes isnt keen on them she only lets them stay for up to half an hour and tells them this before. There is a lady she knows that is always complaining about her daughter - she gets tired of it - and has heard it all before many times - so she tells this friend she can come at such and such a time until such and such - which is never more than thirty minutes later. Of course the woman would turn up and bore her and then she would stay longer so this did not work.
She changed it to meeting the friend at the local cafe next to the library when she changes her books. That way she can get up and go quick and she is going to be there anyway.
Personally if I found someone that boring I would not bother with them at all.
What gets me is that she controls how many seconds people visit her for yet expects everyone she knows to be eager to see her at any time day or night with no notice. If they are daft enough to put up with it more fool them.
People who are happy in their own company and being at home don't let anyone who fancies it just turn up.
They get nothing out of it at all, they simply lose their precious privacy and time. Time they would prefer to spend on housework, watching tv, reading or whatever.
So ask yourself why you let people do this to you - the real reason - it is not out of kindness, you get something from it, what?
Then ask yourself how you can get something from these users without giving them such a high price in return?
Or if it is better to write them off as a lost cause
and start again with other people?
You see reading between the lines of what you said you do want company, you are not happy being alone,you love it when they pop in, but what you hate is when they are not interested in you and you realise they just wanted to moan about something rather than come to see you, because you are you. Then when they do not bother to stay in touch when you are low or come back for ages, it all rubs salt into the wound and reminds you that they do not value you as a person. Simply for what you can do for them when the need arises.
It reminds me a bit of a woman I knew who let men turn up and have sex with her when they felt horny. She did not say to them but I am not your girlfriend, or you forgot my birthday or you should buy me a christmas present, nothing that a normal girlfriend who sleeps with a guy would say.
So the guys carried on enjoying themselves at her expense
and not respecting her. Then one day she realised they were all using her and did not care a jot about her.
But it was too late because she had allowed it to go on for such a long time she would not be able to change it, not with them. It also had ever occurred to her that there are nice guys and nasty guys, she took on any guy without asking herself if he was worth the bother. Because that is what lonely people do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2022): Deep down you are lonely - despite your claim that you are happy to potter about on your own a lot. Otherwise you would not allow people you barely know and are not really friends to turn up and walk into your private home when it suits them, nor use you in this way. You are upset because you letting them walk all over you did not turn out in a way that suited you too. You wanted them to value you and embrace you as a proper friend. Giving people permission to walk over you and use you does not do that. Quite the opposite. They are far less likely to want to be friends with people who show no respect for themselves. Instead of having users turn up when it suits you as a convenience find one or two proper friends who you invite over when it suits you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2022): Think you have met people who have decided that your role in their life is as a listener. Other people are in their life for other reasons, fun, going out etc. Not nice. Get rid of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2022): I used to have people, often people I had only met one for ten minutes, turn up on the doorstep expecting to be able to just walk in and bore me to tears with their latest problem or situation.But if I suggested we do something normal like go for a drink they were not interested. They would tell me they had friends to do that with or don't like to make plans, it all has to be on the spur of the moment just turning up etc. Like you I felt used and it hurt a lot. Anyway I had a busy life and despite being at home on my own a lot I had things to do, I don't like people turning up when I am in the bath, dying my hair, baking a cake, eating or with a friend where we want to chat in private.In my case the solution was a bit of three things. Firstly make it clear they cannot just turn up, they have to agree to a day and time when you are both free and set that time aside to meet up and go and do something nice. If I had been at home all day the last thing I wanted was more of sitting around at home. I wanted to get out.Secondly, I trained and studied for ages to become a qualified therapist. I make sure that business is business. Most people I know don't even know my job, because if they did they would want to turn up for a free chat, which is the same in their case as a free session. Clients only and friends for fun. If a friend only want to go on and on about their problems then they are not a friend, they are a client. Thirdly, I found if I go out with my husband people dont start moaning about their boring husband or nagging me to tell them what they should do about their lover. Because husband is sitting there it puts them off. And if the four of us are out they won't go on about their boring husband as he is there too.The truth is if you let people walk all over you and use you they do not respect you. They just see you as a dishmop to use and throw in the bin. That is why they don't care if you then need support because your dog dies or whatever, because to them you are there as a service to them, a one way street, they don't care how you are.If you are someone they want to come and offload onto a lot they may say thanks a lot, but what does that mean, it is just words? Do they like you enough to invite you out with them for a good night out? Or do they say thanks just to keep the door open and soften you up so they can do it again?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2022): Been there and worn the t shirt. If you are quiet, serious, kind, a good listener and at home a lot you get this. People see you as that woman who is there for when they are at a loose end, bored or want to vent or get sympathy instead of someone to invite out for a meal or have fun with. You need to avoid people who are drama queens, self absorbed, lacking in empathy for others - and don't let people come around whenever it suits them or insist you go out with them somewhere fun when you meet up. That is what I do now because I had this problem all the time. If someone only wants me as a bolt hole when they are lonely and their friends are busy or when their friends are sick of hearing their woes no thanks, but if someone arranges a time and day that suits me to and we do something that two friends do together instead of me being their unpaid counsellor/therapist/agony aunt fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2022): Thank you so much to all 3 of those who took the time to offer me words of wisdom.
Youcannotbeserious, thank you especially. I have felt guilty sending the post and regretted it afterwards. I love my mum very very much and worry about her and I'm flattered she feels comfortable enough to open up about everything to me. She has lived with abuse from my toxic adult sibling for years and of course I'm happy to support her. I shouldn't have lumped her into the same category as my friends. I thought about it after posting and realized my mum has been there for me too. It's not one-sided with my mum.
Rereading my post, I arguably sound selfish, but I'm not. I've always been able to easily empathize with people and animals and I've recently tried to channel that solely into helping animals, because they are grateful for all you give them.. and love you unconditionally. Building relationships with people certainly feels like building a house on sand, a lot of the time. Like you say, I am tired of being hurt. It's like an old wound gets ripped open.
I feel you really understood where I'm coming from Youcannotbeserious. Thank you :)
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 October 2022):
 I'm so sorry you have been treated this way by people you thought were your friends. You sound like a sensitive caring soul, so their taking you for granted and using you in this way hurts badly. I don't for a second believe you don't care. You care deeply; you are just afraid to admit it because then you will feel the hurt and rejection all over again. If you truly didn't care, you would not have written your post. You would just have got on with your life, comfortable in the way things were.
These days more and more people are increasingly so engrossed with their own lives that they do not even notice when someone else could do with a kind word or a bit of support. Unfortunately the people who are the ones to whom people gravitate for support are frequently also the ones who have nobody to turn to when THEY need support. They are seen as "strong" whereas they are just humans like everyone else and sometimes could do with a kind word, a hug, a quick text to show them someone is thinking of them.
The way you have been treated says everything about the other parties involved and is nothing to do with you as a person. You have just been unlucky in drawing to you people who are only interested in taking from you but not giving anything in return.
There are plenty of people out there who are truly caring. After all, you are one of them. Look for new friends but don't allow people to use you.
Sending hugs. Not everyone we meet is going to live up to our expectations.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2022): Most here won't understand your situation at all. It is not cynical to be wary of people because so many people have wanted a one way street with you.
But you were not totally honest, you say you are very happy with your life of doing a little work and pottering about and being on your own a fair bit. Then you contradict that with how people hurt you and let you down and use you. We only allow people we are unsure of to come into our lives and remain there when we want more out of life. People who have a terrific fulfulling relationship, family, friends etc do not let people who are going to use them as an unpaid counsellor or dustbin for their sorrows come and go from their lives when it suits them. You made the mistake of making friends - if that is what you call them - with just anyone - without having a filter that tells you that you do not have enough in common or whatever. Then you allow them to call all of the shots because you do not want to lose them, even if they are no loss.
I've met plenty of women as you describe. If one of them turned up on my doorstep and thought she could walk in and go on and on about her situation for ages I would not let her. You are either too polite or you let them in hoping they have changed and become less self obsessed -which is impossible.
Of course you want a friendship with someone who does not just take but you don't act as if that matters to you, you let people treat you any way they want.
To be honest you might be good at being quiet and listening when they go on but they do not come to you for advice and you would not be able to give good advice - after all you are unable to give yourself good advice now - many of the women I met who wanted to behave this way would have been happy to come over to mine and go on and on even if I never spoke a word. They don't care who you are, what you are, what you think or feel, they don't necessarily believe you are smart, they just want a human to be sitting there listening.
I know one woman who has a list of people she does this to. Every time she gets angry with her husband she goes into the library and bends the ear of the librarian. Then she goes into the funeral parlour, then the butcher, then she turns up on the doorstep of any woman she has met once or twice if they were daft enough to give their address to her - goes on and empties herself out until she feels better and then she is off till the next time. She does not consider any of these people to be friends. When she has gone through those she goes to the local lady who sells make up with a catalogue and pretends she wants to buy a lipstick or cream, with no intention of spending a penny she sits there going on and on about her husband for ages, then says sorry X but I cannot find the right lipstick will have to leave it. And another woman has been used and robbed of an hour or more of her precious time. Yet the woman isnt smart enough to see that she has been there over and over going on about husband and never bought a thing.
People can only take from us if we let the. Don't blame them if you make it very easy for them.
Forget this idea that you must be polite to them, or if you are nice to them they will turn into caring people who think about you, it will never happen. You need to find different people and start as you mean to go on. Not do it all their way on their terms and then complain. It takes two people to create a situation and you decided half of it. With some people you cannot take a turd and take it into a diamond, you either make the most of it, or walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2022): I had a very similar problem to you. Am female, was then single and living alone. Am deep, serious, studious, well read, smart - a member of the high i.q. organisation and successful at work and financially. I can enjoy being alone a lot of the time and often prefer it, because I find it hard to be with people who are lazy or clueless about life!
If I met a kindred spirit who was also quiet, deep, hard working we would get on terrific.
I would meet women who were not working - idle - nothing to do with their time - no skills, qualifications, never had a job and rely on men to make their decisions and pay all of the bills - the complete opposite of me - they would want to come around to chat to me but this would mean them sitting there moaning about how John forgot to phone her last night or Philip did not buy her an expensive birthday present for hours on end over and over again. Trivial, me, me, me stuff, just wanting to offload and bore me to tears.
Never interested in me, and never interested in going out together doing something together - they would go out with their real friends for that, others who were also lazy, neve had a job, drink a lot and no good with money etc. But I always seemed to be their first choice when they wanted advice, the listening ear, the off loading, like a free therapist life coach.
The other thing that got me is I work from an office in my house. My clients make appointments to talk to me on the computer through zoom, so do my staff. Everyone of them has to make an appointment otherwise they clash or try to speak to me when I am in the bath, eating, out, busy with something else or outside working hours. Yet when I tell a "friend" that they cannot just phone or turn up at any time they fancy they moan and ignore it and turn up again when it suits them - or they give me a lecture about how they prefer to just "pop in" (for two hours usually) when they are at a loose end and hate making arrangements etc.
What they really mean is they only want to come over when their friends are all busy or they want a free session of listening and advising at five minutes notice because they cannot be bothered to make a proper arrangement and stick with it.
At this point someone will go on about boundaries -like I don't know all that already. If someone turns up on my doorstep without an appointment we do not go to the door.
Both of us are working from home and in the middle of a consultation with a client or staff member so it is not going to happen. What gets me is that the person who turns up -who has been told over and over again not to and to arrange it first - rings and rings on the doorbell trying to demand that we go to the door and let them in anyway.
They don't give a hoot about our lifestyle, the fact we work or the fact that is inconvenient. So - we drop them.
We don't need selfish people in our lives.
Anyway I have a lot of clients who are happy to make appointments to speak to me and who are much nicer and more pleasant to talk to -and pay for my time.
I've got four tiny dogs. A year ago my favourite tiny dog died, it was awful as we had nurtured her for over a year with chemotherapy and other problems giving her a lot of time and support, love and expense and missed her greatly. We planned that when we had to have her put to sleep we would replace her and we did.
So yes you need boundaries. But what people forget is this.
When you tell a so called friend who wants to come around to offload all of their miseries on you telling them that they cannot and should ring first is not welcome. You are now superfluous to their requirements because the main reason they want you is as a drop in centre when it suits. If they have to ring you first and check and all that - like they do with most people - they cannot be bothered. They don't want to arrange to see you next week wednesday because something more fun might come up inbetween, or they make it up with their boyfriend and no longer feel the need for a free life coaching session. That is why they do that. And telling them to be different will not change.
Incidentally, I am a life coach - a qualified professional one who is very busy, so I don't need advice - and none of the local women to me know this is my job - if I told them I would get more and more just turning up on the doorstep expecting to just walk in for a free session when it suits.
Because people think I am a businesswoman who works from home I get it a lot but less of it.
My boundaries are there. I don't want friends who are lazy or freeloaders. Nor people who continually make childish errors of judgment about their relationships, lives etc and then want to come running to me about it as if I am their unpaid mentor and mother. I also do not allow friends who want to just turn up and think it is not worth arranging a day and time for. And anyway when I go out with a friend it is to have fun, we go to the theatre or for a meal, not so that I can sit in my office doing free consultations.
If I wanted to do more consultations I would take on more paying clients -who make appointments.
I've got six regular clients who I allow to come and see me in my office, because they live very local and respect things like appointments - not thinking they can just turn up or be late. They were carefully selected. I've got other local clients who are just five minutes walk away who cannot and have to zoom because I know they would think it is ok to cancel at last minute or turn up very late sometimes.
I totally understand how you feel about the animals versus people thing - and am the same but allow people into my life if they aren't selfish, immature and needy. The thing is to have a filter where you work out which is which... quickly.
Don't give people your phone number or address too quickly.
I used to meet women who would say can I have your address etc and the day after they turn up on the doorstep going on and on about their marriage and how awful it is, assuming I must sit there all day listening - a total stranger!
The other day my husband and I went to a dinner. We often do things like this. We sat chatting to a lot of people we do not know. One of the women kept gong on at me about how she hated her husband wished she could leave him. After about half an hour she said I must have your address because I want to come to your house to tell you the whole story of how bad our marriage is and why I want to leave him... and demanded my address and demanded she could come over thursday evening at 8 pm. I said no you cannot have my address. End of.
I was thinking - why do you assume yuo can come to my home? Why do you assume I want to see you again - I didnt. And why do you assume I am available thursday evening?
I could tell from the way she was talking to me there she thought the whole evening would be about her and she had no interest at all in meeting me for a normal social thing.
I said to her - I like to go out with a friend for a meal and she said - I already have lots of friends, I dont want any more, but you would be ideal as the woman I go to whenever I am miserable about something!!
I've met many women like this and would be sitting there 24 7 listening to them if I was dumb enough to let them.
NEVER earning a penny.. or having any sort of life myself.
Now a lot of people would say well explain to these women that this is your job and offer them an appointment and tell them how much it costs... nah. That does not work.
None of them want to spend a penny on this. Many of them could not afford me anyway. And they are the exhausting needy and boring type.
When I go out socialising I go out with my husband.
Because every time I've been out with a female just the two of us they start going on and on about all of their problems and nagging me to let them come over for long sessions of it - all free when it suits them. But if I go out with husband and they bring their husband the chat is normal, they darent start telling me that they are bored with husband while he is sitting there. They have to talk to my husband too and remember he is sitting there. If we go out as a pair with a pair it is far more balanced and none of this oooh he is a great listening ear I will go around to hers when it suits me stuff.
Remember that people put others into compartments if it suits them. If people are wanting to come to you with their problems but then go out with people for fun and ignore you for months until they have another problem the truth is that they are just using you and not a friend at all.
For the sake of your sanity and dignity - and time - get rid of those.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2022): Typo corrections:
"So you've taken the cynical high and mighty attitude that you need no one; because a few people you [know] (or have known) aren't good at keeping an even score on how you support each-other."
"He'd sell his soul for [a] doggy treat!"
"[The] more humanlike they are, the more we enjoy their company."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2022): So you've taken the cynical high and mighty attitude that you need no one; because a few people you've know (or have known) aren't good at keeping an even score on how you support each-other. I don't suggest you allow yourself to be taken advantage of; and I wouldn't advise you to not to want to receive as well as give. Which is foolish.
Excuse me! Although animals appreciate affection and kindness; dogs still bite, cats bite and scratch; and very well cared-for animals turn on their owners. No matter how well-trained and docile they may seem; they have their moods and tempers too! They can also fall out of love without a reason; and the worst part is, you'll never know why; because they can't explain it. Humans sometimes don't listen or explain themselves; but you get to explain to them how you feel about that. With animals, you just have to suck it up!
Does that mean when they do bite or scratch, you should turn on all animals, and never to get a pet again? I've been thrown from my horse, who I knew adored me. I've been bitten and ignored by my snobbish cat, and nipped by my little pug; who hates to get his claws clipped! He hated the vet, and would pout and ignore me for days after a visit. He didn't forgive me, his little animal-memory just made him forget the trauma...until the next visit! He'd sell his soul for doggy treat! He didn't care who gave it to him!
Animals don't relate to us on the same level as other humans. You are a source of food, shelter, and comfort; and they are intelligent enough to know you want that person around when you can't get all that yourself. They appreciate our affection and contact; because that is one of the things we've bred and domesticated into them. Wild animals don't necessarily need our affection, or care; and could care less, if humans disappeared off the face of the planet! If they had a choice, or a vote; they'd probably prefer to retake their habitats, and exterminate us.
From an intellectual standpoint; animals can't offer compassion to a human based on the understanding of your suffering. They can't give you verbal and emotional support; or relate with logic and understanding of how you need it. They cannot express their thoughts or feelings in a way you can fully interpret it; or relate to what you're going through day to day. Human-contact has an enormously different impact on your emotional and psychological health. People falsely believe an animal can substitute for a human; that's only true if you were left without the choice. Shipwrecked somewhere, or in prison isolation. Ask a prisoner in isolation whether he or she would rather be in solitary confinement, or in general population? Even if it was horrible, they'd rather be around other people!
If you've ever noticed, out of our love for them, we assign pets "human attributes;" and we often love to talk and brag about their most "human-like" traits and intelligent behavior. Measured by human standards! Why? That is because we still need other humans, and we are literally wired for it. They more humanlike they are, the more we enjoy their company. Think about it!
I've learned, through life and experience, that maybe my friends (mate, or family) don't always balance the scales of reciprocity. Yet I love them, faults and all. If they develop ways that I find difficult to contend with, or abide by; I give them space, or I'll let them go. I won't turn on humanity as a whole; and decide "isolation" is best for me. It isn't!!! People who isolate themselves entirely become very very weird! They forget how to interact with others, and often succumb to their self-imposed seclusion; thereby becoming socially-awkward, and clumsy around other people. When they finally do need the companionship and affection of another warm-blooded human being; they'll either become overly-dependent on one person, or left to suffer alone without anyone to turn to. That isn't healthy, and I'm sure both medical and psychological sciences will attest to that. So would the very scriptures of the Holy Bible, for those who practice that kind of spiritual-faith. You need love, and you need to give love to other people. We all come with faults and flaws. Even God, in all His Holy perfection, accepts that.
I love my pets, I'm an obsessive gardener, I like to entertain; but I take time-out away from making money and pursuing success to stay in-touch with the needs of people. I have to remain sensitive and empathetic. I'm naturally a loner; but being a Christian, the teachings of my faith requires me to love my neighbor as myself. The love of money is the root of all evil; so I've remained as an uncle on this site to remain grounded, and not get too self-centered and detached from humanity. I had to work to getaway from materialism, consumerism, and being too obsessed with pleasure and comfort. It makes you snobbish, haughty, spoiled, and it desensitizes you. Speaking from personal-experience, and observing it in many others over my lifetime. Yes, we think we can get-along without anybody, but our pets and our significant-other; but they may not be around forever. My partner of 28 years died of cancer. What if I gave-up and never found love again? What if I just counted on my pet to give me emotional support? They don't live long enough.
Sorry, but people will hurt you; and you will hurt other people. You cannot make your partner happy 100%-24/7. There has to be interaction and communication with others. You have to excuse and forgive human faults and flaws; and be reminded you are also a human being with the same faults you find in other people. If you believe in God, you will expect Him to forgive you for your sins and imperfections as well.
The good thing is, the world is populated with billions of people; and you have a never-ending supply of prospects and opportunities to find loyal and good-friends. Bearing in-mind, they come with faults and imperfections. Same as you have!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2022): You are absolutely right, I feel the same. People are so selfish and such a let down. Animals are everything as they need help so keep putting your love and care for them. Nature is the best thing in life and I think smart people learn that in later years and the selfish ones never learn it.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2022):
 "Anyone else feel like this?"
Not really. But I can relate.
The thing YOU haven't learned is setting some boundaries.
1. you CAN tell your mom to PLEASE call or text before popping in.
2. You can decide how LONG you want to sit and listen to someone vent. If a couple of hours is too long - let your mom know after an hour that you have to cut it short as you have other plans.
3. You do not OWE anyone to listen to them or be the support pillar. But it is quite the "normal" way people have friendships and familial relationships.
4. Just because YOU don't have the need doesn't mean everyone else is somehow in the wrong. YOU just have different needs than your friends. And that is OK.
5. Some people feel that IF you don't share your WOES either with friends or online that you are NOT really a good friend.
6. People bring different things to a friendship and relationship. Maybe your friends KNOW that you don't have a need for the same level of support but that you are a good listener. I'm SURE they bring something else to the table, otherwise WHY are you still friends?
Lastly, I think you have somewhat unrealistic expectations of others. If you haven't SET any boundaries HOW are people supposed to know what YOURS are? Read your mind?
"My empathy for humans has really lessened over the years."
I agree and disagree. I find that people who ARE just takers don't remain a big part in my life. Those who give and take in somewhat equal manners are the ones I keep around.
You are in your 40's! It's OK to set boundaries and it's OK to tell people "hey I only have an hour to listen today" and then stick to it. It's also OK to just listen and NOT give advice or try and fix things for others.
Being a human means you are part of a group, part of society. It's really up to you how much you want to participate. However, at some point, you might have isolated yourself.
As John Donne put it 400 years ago:
'No Man is an Island'
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
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