A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Me and my guy have been married going on six months. In the last couple of months he stopped cuddling with me he stopped kissing me he watches porn all the time now. He says he loves me and I am his one and only. He also talks about his ex all the time. He also says the girls on the porn is very beautiful. When u ask him about me he says I am beautiful and that he tells me all the time. Which he doesn't tell me that I am beautiful all the time! He gets mad at me when I ask him why he doesn't show his live to me like he used to! Also when he is on his phone he makes that I can't see what he is doing with it. What do I do about this should I stay or should I go!?
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a break, his ex, kissing, porn Reply to this Question
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (12 July 2015):
 Hi again,
i just thought i would also add, that if you & your husband chose to watch soft porn together, for the 'added benefit' of your love life within your marriage, then that would be fine, provided you're both consenting & ok with this.
The fact that your husband watches pron regularly, then informs you of how beautiful the women are within these porno flicks, is what is of concern to me.
I wonder if he included 'you', in what he is doing, would that be of greater benefit to your marriage?
I guess this is something you have to seriously reflect upon & only you know the answer to this question.
You & your husband would truly benenfit from some professional counselling & by sitting down togther as grown adults & discussing what you could both do, to make things better for you both & for the sake of your marriage.
He may not wish to do this, but you should encourage him to go to counselling with you, as when it comes down to the crunch, it is he, who is conducting in odd marital behaviour & you are obviously & rightly unhappy, otherwise you wouldn't have written of your feelings & concerns to DC.
Again, best of luck & please let me know how you get on. :-)
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (10 July 2015):
Hi,
ok this sounds quite unnatural, considering you guys are married.
Firstly, although many men do watch porn & yes, even whilst they're married, this doesn't make it ok, nor acceptable behaviour.
If you're sexually satisfied within your marriage, why the extra need for porn?
This is the question i would ask.
If you guys don't have the best intimacy @ present & this is obviously thr case it seems, for whatever reason, you both need to sit down, talk seriously about what's going on & make decisions asap.
You ought both consider counselling & i can almost guarantee, that things will take a better turn if you do.
God forbid, if things got worse after professional counselling, then you would really need to question the future of your young marriage.
Having said what i've just said, marriage is about many things, not simply about sex, intimacy, but intimacy in most marriages, regardless of ones age, is usually a very important ingredient, for a healthy love life.
This is where my concern lays.
Why does your husband feel the desire/need to watch porn regularly, when he has you as his wife?
If i were you, i would ask him this in a very tactful & calm manner. You are his wife, not his gf, nor his mistress, so you've every right to ask, even if he does get angry.
Let me just stipulate here, his anger has nothing to do with you. You cannot micro-manage his emotions, nor should you & he isn't expected to micro-manage your emotions either. You're both adults, who have chosen to get married & with marriage, comes some added pressure/responsibility.
Marriage is a wonderful sacrament & a wonderful institution, but only when two people are truly in love, truly in sync, truly wanting to be with one another, within the confines of their respective marriage.
I wonder whether you saw any tiny warning signs regarding your husbands interest in porn, before you got married?
Also, did he show any anger toward you prior marriage?
What also concerns me, is that he tells you these women in the pornos are beautiful. Surely no more beautiful than you, right? Forgive me, is your husband blind, or even moreso, stupid?
You must tell your husband that these 'images' that he is viewing online, are seriously, illusory & quite artificial, yes, fake!
Every woman that does a porno, is fully done up from head to toe, with fake tans, liposuction, body-sculpting, botox, facelifts, air-brushing, hair done, makeup done for over 1 hour & guess what else, you'd be shocked?
Yes, they even have their genitalia done up, enhanced.
I am not saying that every woman has every single one of these enhancements performed/done, but for the most part, yes & they all have their makeup done & they do get their personal parts tidied up to & even tattooed, re-coloured, etc;
It is all for the camera obviously & it's been done back in Hollywood, since the big movie industry began.
It was always about lighting & makeup, the two big things.
I've watched many makeup professionals discuss this, via tv & even i was stunned.
That's why the old actresses, now we refer to as 'actors', looked so extra striking, beautiful.
The makeup commonly worn is called, wax theatrical makeup. It covers all flaws on ones face, body, it erases the oily facial look, irregular pigmentation, freckles, pimples, you name it.
What you're left with quite simply, is very flawless looking skin on camera.
You could compare it to todays modern, 'Thin Lizzy' makeup, which uses natural pigments.
I know this, because i've done modelling & i have watched behind the scenes documentaries, i have spoken to real people within the industry, i have read books, but even if i hadn't, anybody can see that these women & even the men have been done up to the tee!
At least you're natural & your husband chose to marry you, so he should truly appreciate his wife & show serious respect toward you. What he is currently doing, in my personal view, is disgusting & the fact that he flaunts his feelings/views regarding porn/other women to you, baffles me.
May i say, your husband sounds quite shallow & he is swayed by fake images of paid people, who conduct in fake sexual activity. He needs to differentiate the true difference here.
Sex within the confines of marriage, is totally different/seperate from sex within a porno!
You ought tell him that for him to talk about these women to you, makes you sick to the core & you are totally disappointed in him & his behaviour.
He may as well compare you to these actors & tell you that they're better. That is very cheap & nasty! I feel for you.
May i add, please do not take serious offence, but your msg comes with numerous spelling/sentence construction errors, so i am confused about a few things you've written, which makes it hard for me to give you a 100% accurate reply, but i've done my best, based on what i am assuming you were trying to relay to your reader.
The other bigger issue here, is that he talks about his 'ex' all the time.
Quite simply, why? Has he not moved on, put the past behind him, prior to marrying you?
Have you asked him directly & if not, you must ask him why & let him know that you don't appreciate that, nor do you deserve this kind of treatment.
If he is so interested in his ex, then why did he commit to you, it's that simple!
To me, he sounds a bit cruel toward you.
Do not be afraid to confront your husband. I may be wrong here, but the fact that you've written to Dear Cupid, tells me that you're feeling uneasy about approaching him directly, regarding 'all' your inner feelings of unease.
Does he yell @ you, or threaten you verbally/physically? If he does, you can threaten him too, with the police & don't just say it, do it!
He has no right to scare you, belittle you, behave aggressively toward you.
You mentioned, that when you ask him why he doesn't show his love toward you, as he used to, he gets mad, why?
In my personal view, there is only 1 real reason that i can think, as to why he cannot simply answer your question.
Could your husband, actually no longer be fully in love with you, as he used to be?
I am so sorry, to be so brutally honest here, but it's the only way you can make any real changes here, good or bad & truly get the answers that you seek. I hope you understand.
You've asked questions, we will all reply with differing answers, so be pre-prepared for this.
Another big thing.
Why is he seemingly secretive with his mobile ph, when he's around you?
This is odd, although nobody has the right to snoop around, checking their partners phs, bec this is simply where we place absolute trust in our partners & we allow them their freedom, privacy & space.
When our partners behave oddly, however, regarding such matters, then we do become a little suspicious & we should be allowed to ask, why the secretive behaviour, as is in your case.
Considering that you're both married to one another, you should ask him why he behaves oddly around you whilst he uses his mobile ph & if he gets very defensive, then you should assume something is up here.
My simple philosophy is that, if we have nothing to hide, then we would never get defensive, we'd also be most happy to show our phs to our partners/spouses without hesitation, if asked to do so, under such suspicious circumstances.
Is it remotely possible that he is also chatting to other women behind your back?
I mean, i don't mean to sound accusatory, but he is watching porn, discussing that with you, so it's highly possible that he coonects with/chats up women outside of your marriage too.
I cannot be certain about this, but i do suspect, i am sorry to say.
It sounds as though you & your husband have lots of work to do & yes, 'together', if you want your marriage to survive long-term.
It's crucial & imperative, that you both discuss every facet, every issue & without arguing, simply talking.
You owe it to one another, to your marriage & it can be done amicably, calmly, rationally & how do i know?
Because, my partner & i always do it this way & our relationship is as wonderful, as any great relationship can be.
Also, if your husband thinks/assumes that the grass will be greener on the other side, he is very wrong.
I love the saying, 'Better the devil we know, than the devil we don't know'.
In the meantime, please write down on paper, all that bothers you, all that you wish to ask him & find out about.
This will de-stress you a lot & when you do finally confront him, he will have no choice, but to open up.
Yes, he will behave like a teen, get angry, defensive, but again, you are his wife, not his mistress! So ask away!
Maybe ask 1 or 2 questions @ a time, not 5 or 6 @ once, because this will feel to him, as though he's being attacked, bombarded with info & most men generally dislike, if not hate that.
Best of luck & please let me know how you get on. I really want to know, even if you have to send me a personal msg. Thanks in advance! :-)
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