A
female
age
36-40,
*assi (Nova)
writes:I gave birth to my Son a month ago, after a very difficult pregnancy. It was an emergency c-section and our son has been all over the Province in hospitals ever since. Just after he was born, my husband declared that he had been offered a high-paying job in Dubai and wants to take it. I have no interest in taking my newborn to Dubai away from my family, and I don't want him to go either.He knows very little about the job- he doesn't know a number as to what he will make, or how long he would be asked to stay overseas, or even if there is a term contract locking him into an obligation, so he can't change his mind. All I can think, is that despite our money problems, no money is worth my newborn growing up without a Father. We planned this baby together, and ever since I had him, it seems like our plan has completely derailed. I suggested relocating to a busier city in the province so that we wouldn't have to go so far, but he won't even entertain the idea- won't even bother looking to see if there is work there because the money isn't as good. I feel like money is more important to him than we are- because he could take a job that makes enough but not as much and still be here. But he won't. He thinks he can go once or twice and make enough to bail us out of our finance issues. But I think he's being completely naive.Furthermore, his family is pushing him to go and our relationship (mine and theirs) has been strained because I have no family of my own here without him. Should I be more supportive of his decision and let him go? Am I being unfair, unreasonable or stupid for begging him not to go? Or to at least to consider something else first?
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 May 2012):
 'and when he is around more to father, he will probably be good at it'.....HUH?
He's not even in Dubai and already he isn't around. Where is he? And whenever he's back from wherever he's at he'll probably be good at fathering? Probably?
This is a classic case of hope triumphs over reality.
You didn't provide all of your baby's things so your husband wouldn't have to. You did it because you had to, because you knew he wouldn't.
He isn't a good husband or father now for lack of money, but for lack of want. He had debt when you caught him sending inappropriate texts to other women and when you almost lost him to his ex. He wasn't waiting around for a fat paycheque before pursuing them.
If you choose to stay with him, that is entirely up to you. You don't need to justify it to us or anyone else. But if you want to have a better life with him, you're going to have to see him as he IS not as you hope he might be one day.
You're going to need all the help you can get so I suggest you create a support network. Spend more time with your family, squirrel away some money in case you need to leave. Always have a back up plan.
In the meantime, like I said, I recommend you and your son not leave Canada for Dubai. You can't stop your husband from going but you can start planning your own future. If he goes, you'll have all the responsbility and isolation of a single mother (more than you already have now) so you might as well have the freedom and other perks of one.
A
female
reader, Kassi (Nova) +, writes (11 May 2012):
Kassi (Nova) is verified as being by the original poster of the question I see a lot of valid points in your answer. On the other hand, I also worked full time until I was 7 months pregnant and contributed. I've provided ALL of our baby's things so he would not have to, and I have no personal debts. All of our existing debts were decisions he made before we were married.
When we met and became engaged, he told me that he was done having flights of fancy and wanted to settle down and have a family. And yet, before we were married, I nearly lost him to an old crush, shortly after we were married he tried for the military and chose not to follow through, and now, after the birth of our Son, he wants to move overseas.
I would even consider it more, if where we were going were not so dangerous. My Son needs medical care that I am certain he cannot get in Dubai. I've even indulged his desire enough to ask my Doctors and his (I'm diabetic) if it were even an option. They looked at me like they needed to call CPS. Furthermore, I'm asked several times by his medical providers if my husband even has any interest in being a Father, because he has not been here.
I know my Husband loves us. I know he wants to provide for us. I'm not saying he is a bad husband- and when he is around more to father, he will probably be good at it. But that's the question, isn't it? Will he be around? I think on some level, because Money is so important to him, that when he sees those zeros on his paycheques, he will never come back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): Your husband may have very legitimate reasons for putting money as the top priority. If money has been scarce, can you blame him? As the man it's his traditional gender-assigned duty to take responsibility for bringing in enough money that you and your son can live comfortably. Men judge themselves and each other on how well they can do that. He may see it as his ultimate responsibility to you, your son, himself and maybe even to his god, to be a "good" financial provider. that means making as much money as he possibly can. Especially if you have been having money problems.Men base their self worth on how well they can financially provide for their family. I don't think that's wrong. He may be overcome with guilt if your son could not receive the best medical care possible because he as the father does not make enough money for that. I can see how he would place that as a higher priority than spending time with the family right now. He may see that spending time with you and your son can happen in the future, AFTER he has paid off all the debts and achieved financial security for the family.Therefore I say that you should not be accusing him of being a bad father and husband just because he is putting this job as the top priority FOR NOW. You may not understand how much stress he is under to be a financial provider, how much his self worth depends on not just making the bare minimum for your family to scrape by, but of doing a better job than just that. You and him may be operating on very different levels. He could be operating on pure survival level, meaning, do whatever it takes to make more money because he sees that these are dire times. You on the other hand, don't see the money situation as that bad so you paint him as being a bad guy for putting more importance on that than on being with you and your son. But maybe because it's not your responsibility to bring home the money, that's why you dont' see just how dire the financial situation really is. It's unfair if you expect him to financially provide for you AND to be at home with you at the same time. some times you have to choose one or the other, unless YOU are earning or contributing a lot of money to the marriage. You should talk to him not to pressure him to go against what he feels he must do, but try to understand why it is so important to him to take this job. Dont' just automatically label him a bad father and disloyal husband. He could be doing it for YOU. And to make him feel bad, for trying to be a good husband, is going to make him feel like this marriage is a double-bind.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 May 2012):
Before responding I took the liberty of reading some of your replies to other questions.
Your husband has a history of looking out for himself first and he enjoys the attention of other women. He wants to move to Dubai because he thinks it will be good for him, not because it might good for you and your son.
You should definitely not go with him. It would further remove you from your support system and all that you know and love. And moving to a notoriously unstable region of the world with a new son who requires frequent medical attention would only cause you additional stress.
For all intents and purposes you're already alone in this marriage. His moving to Dubai is probably for the best. His being so far away would make it easier for you to make a fresh start on your own. Talk to your family about living with them until you get yourself back on your feet.
Don't try to convince him or give him ultimatums. Just tell him you can't stop him from doing what he wants with his life, nor would you want to, but you have to plan your own future. If you're going to live like a single mother, you might as well BE a single mother.
Everything will work out in the end.
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A
female
reader, Kassi (Nova) +, writes (10 May 2012):
Kassi (Nova) is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the confusion. I have family in the Province, and in the country, but they live several hours away. I can get to them, but because of finances, I see them very rarely.
If my Husband leaves, I have no family of my own living in the city I live in to be supportive, helpful or keep me company. I admit, the idea of moving to a volatile country scares the crap out of me- especially as I will still be my Son's primary caregiver and will have to advocate for him. It is still an Arab country, and I would need to become comfortable with temperatures as high as 50 degrees celcius, and a strict dress and behavioral code because I'm a woman.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 I’m confused!
First You say: “I have no interest in taking my newborn to Dubai away from my family,”
Then you say “have no family of my own here without him”
Is there a reason you can’t go with him?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 Am afraid it is becoming more and more common that men have to go away now as well as women to get better jobs in life. That is the way the financial economy is at the moment. But I do see your concerns and you have just gave birth off course you are going to want him by your side. It sounds like his mind has been made up no matter what you say to him, so I guess it is up to you now what you want to do. I understand you feel money is more important to him, but my guess is that he just wants to make as much as he can to support the three of you, so I guess you just need to start wondering if a move to Dubai would benefit you, as you say the position you are in now you have no family around you then maybe you should consider that a fresh start in Dubai might do you good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): Your husband is an ass. His flesh and blood son has serious medical problems and he wants to run off to Dubai? It sounds like a great escape for sure. Maybe you should go work there and leave your husband back home alone with the kid to take care of! I bet he would not like that idea one bit.
Its clear your husband wants to earn money. That is good, you said financial issues were a problem. But his complete and utter immaturity is on display when he decided it was a good idea to abandon his wife and young son when they are still so vulnerable after such a traumatic and stressful birth. The boy needs a father and you need a husband.
Tell your husband Dubai is out of the question. You need him here, with you, and your boy. If he refuses, then Id say you need to tell him that maybe you two need to reconsider things. There is no saying how long he could be gone in Dubai. Years perhaps. Prepare yourself to find the best life possible for YOUR son if dad isnt prepared to help. Dont let him keep you waiting.
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