A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are in our late 20's, married 5 years..One night about two years ago after too many drinks at my single friends apartment, don't ask me why, i said lets try a threesome..probably the alchohol talking..it was totally my idea, and my wife and my friend i'm sure were suprised at my announcement...up to this point i always felt like my wife and friend were attracted to each other by their behavior when we went out, but by no means did it go past that..Well after removing our clothes my wife sat between us on his couch, and naturally turned her attention to me. I'm sure she was nervous but also very excited by what was happening...it turned out that for some reason, I couldnt get a hardon no matter how hard she tried, and she tried everything..it stayed limp ..this wasnt a problem that i ever had experienced before..She was getting frustrated also.. I noticed that my friend had a raging hardon that was quite a bit larger than mine...She noticed too, but didnt make a move toward it, out of nervousness or whatever...remember, we never did anything like this before,,,finally I placed her hand on his thigh near his penis...thats all it took..She went nuts and lost all control, and turned toward him and did everything under the sun to him...she ended up getting in his lap and rode him hard for what seemed like forever...make a long story short, the next day I told her that the threesome idea wasnt for me, and i wasnt into it, obviously..She didnt say much...Fast forward TWO YEARS later..I discover that my wife had been seeing my friend on and off, at his apartment, since that threesome experiment...usually while i was at work..I never suspected it... afterwards I remembered the times i tried calling her at home at night, and nobody answered..She claimed that she muted the phone and went to bed early that nite, because she was tired from work..I was mad, but also felt like a jerk..All I thought was that my marriage was over...I told her I knew what was going on, and wanted her to stop, or else...She again didnt say much..During these two years we had some ups and downs in our marriage..nothing earthshaking though..As far as i know, she did stop seeing him, after i confronted her..I'm sure they had a long talk....My question to DEARCUPID..What could have possessed my wife to do this for two years?...what do you think her mindset was? What Was this affair all about, considering the way it started? If i hadnt discovered her affair and told her to stop, it would have continued for who knows how much longer...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): This is what YOU created.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 January 2016):
 This is precisely why threesomes should forever stay a fantasy when there's a marriage or committed relationship is involved.
Yes, the easy answer is that she's cheating on you because while in the threesome, you pushed her into getting physical with him, you never consented to her being just with him.
What I'm about to say doesn't justify her one bit...
But what if she thought you rejected her with your limp penis, and by your action of pushing her into his arms, you were telling her that you didn't love her?? Maybe she thought your message was that you wanted to open the marriage because you weren't interested in her anymore.
I know how I'd feel if my husband started moving MY HANDS to another man after not wanting me to touch him...I'd feel like he thought I was a prostitute and he was pimping me out to one of his friends for their pleasure, and treating me like I was his property and a thing. I'd actually hate him for doing that.
Pandora's box comes with only pain when it's opened.
You were comparing yourself to him the whole time, and now you worked out a subconscious sabotaging principle in you that you're not good enough to keep her. She fulfilled your prophecy by still having sex with him.
I think unless both of you are willing to work this through some hardcore counseling and therapy to get to the bottom of why both of you did what you did. Yes, she cheated on you, but who were you to pass her around like a joint at a three-person party?! She DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT! Which was why she went for you from the start and had to be pushed!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (17 January 2016):
Threesome withing a marriage?
How could have anything possibly gone wrong?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): It was the the thrill of the forbidden, and a bad idea that opened the wrong door. Inviting third parties into your marriage is always a bad idea; and exposing your partner to other partners allows them the luxury and excitement of variety. This is why you marry and make vows to each other.
That's a promise to each other no others will come between you. If you invite people in, you reap what you sow.
A two year affair justifies a divorce. How trust remains in your marriage defies logic. I most certainly would disassociate with a friend who was screwing my spouse, with no doubt. It wasn't her idea after all, it was yours. So you opened that Pandora's Box; and now you regret it. You can't turn back time, but you can move forward.
It was most likely a lustful affair, and not much more than that. The thrill of secrecy and deception. Which is what adds intrigue and excitement to having an affair. Just the shear excitement of knowing they could be caught at any moment, and getting off on the fact they were able to avoid it. They were no doubt sexually-compatible.
What possessed her? Hormones! What else? Opportunity and convenience. All with your initial blessing.
Now you have to get your head straight. If you can't, you have to file for a divorce. You can't undo what's been done; but you can get out of the marriage. If you can't forgive her and you've lost all trust.
Otherwise; your resentment will build into hostility. At this point, you will allow your bitterness to poison your emotions. The marriage will become more and more toxic over time. You are obviously not dealing with it well. Marriage counseling might help, but forgiveness can't be forced. It takes time to rebuilt trust. If that's not happening, get out of the marriage. You may have married too young, before you both got thrill-seeking out of your systems. You didn't seem to have a grasp on reality, when you took things that far. This is a lesson to be learned, and it will teach many others who read these posts the consequences of our choices and actions.
If you feel you can forgive, work at it. If you can't, end it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 January 2016):
 If you are asking if she did it because she didn't love you, honestly when I was 25 I did not know what love and commitment means. She could be inexperienced in sex and wanted to play the field. Passion dies down in a relationship, and she mistakes it for lack of love and attraction. She wants to feel desired.
If you are asking if she fell in love with him? That's a different story. Love is hard to define but I believe if it continued for 2 years, there's some connection there.
It's possible for her to just concentrate on your marriage and not put excitement as priority. Whether you are willing to forgive and forget, that's the main point. She has to understand the impact, and how she broke the trust. If it weren't for the threesome, it would be something else that leads to her affair.
It's true that the threesome was your idea, but her secret continued affair wasn't. You have enough reasons to want a divorce. To be brief, the affair was about being young and dumb. What wouldn't help is comparing him and yourself, and things such as what does he have that you don't. Whenever people are looking for excitement, people outside of marriage always wins, no matter who you are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): IMO she was cheating plain and simple. The first time she was with him it was with your blessing but that is beside the point. Its like if she had an ex-BF from when she was a teenager and she started sleeping with him again behind your back. Just because it wasn't violating your relationship at one time, that does not mean it's okay for them to have sex permanently. The two of them would not have kept it a secret from you for 2 years if they didn't think they were doing you wrong. You say you knew there was some attraction between them already when you instigated the threesome. That seals it. Plain and simple cheating. She probably just felt sexy and turned on with him. You say she went nuts once she had your permission to screw him the first time. BTW, I hope you ditched the male friend out of your life permanently.
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