A
female
age
51-59,
*udlytops
writes:22/07/07Dear Friends,Today I woke up with an empty sensation that cut through my soul and drained the life out of me.I felt exhausted and drained had to stop and think. What have I done lately for happiness, what have I done just because I wanted or by instinct? I’m driven by a love that is no more then a mirage, strong feelings that cannot be.Now lonely I await his call and as I do I feel the true coldness of the floor beneath my feet.The cruel reality of what he is to me and what I am to him.But I cannot walk away, its as if I am learning to love again, learning to hold and let go, to follow.Trying to rediscover myself and discover him I get the feeling that I am doing what I want too and what I chose to do.But what a lie this is.I wanted to get lost in time with him; I wanted to forget about rules and must dos.I wanted to lay down beside him, lessening to the music of his heart, a beat that would take me to tranquil sleep.I want to wake up beside him, open my eyes and see him close to me; I want to feel his presence, his touch, his smell. I want to wake up and go to sleep with his kiss.I want to love and be loved, without doubts, with trust, without why’s, with no fears and regrets.I would love to give 100% of my heart without fear of being hurt, to love and be loved, not to be afraid of tomorrow or in a little while.But I can’t make time stop, not even slow it down, I can’t make the fears go away, and I cannot change the rules.He’s not free to give himself and he’s not mine to keep.There is so much I want to do, but I cant, there is so much I want to tell him, but it wouldn’t be fair.The day will come when his love will fade away, when I will hurt again, I’ll miss him, I’ll miss talking to him, playing, holding hands, I know this, but my heart rules me and I cannot stop, for all the hurt that its still to come and I cannot stop.My love maybe forbidden by time and live circumstances, it may be a crime or a even sin, but it is true to my heart and to my heart I cannot lie or deceive.If there is a God, if you are out there, oh please help me now, I can deal with pain, with torture, with all that’s lost and been taking away, but this is new to me, I loved once before and you took it away.Are you doing it again? Why? not a question, just needed to say it to someone Reply to this Question
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reader, Oblivia  +, writes (28 July 2007):
 Hi,This is a beautiful poem. You are very talented. I might misunderstand the meanings of it, but it sounds to me that you quite recently have met someone very special and just found out how much in love you are? It is very beautifully written, and a little scary with the fear of loss just around the corner.Take care and good luck,Oblivia
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Meditative thoughts without writing anything concrete. How can we understand you? You say "The day will come when his love will fade away" - I understand there's a "he" and he loves you now. Why would you need to question for how long? Mill said once said - "he who asks himself if he's happy now will stop being so." He says we can't afford to analyse our happiness, probably because we may discover a glitch in the middle. So many people say "Why am I so contemplative? Don't I just think too much?" - Why do you think of a separation if this person loves you at the present moment? Even if there are reasons to believe this relationship is limited in time, you should enjoy it while you have it? Then, if for some delicate reason it ends, hopefully in gentle terms, think it will at least give good memories, but don't idolize them until it makes you blind to other possibilities. If one love is not possible, we shouldn't spend every crumb of time regretting it, but if it was indeed precious we can be thankful we had it? If you so much appreciate this love, live it while it's possible. But why is it forbidden? Why a sin? You didn't want to simply say this, you wanted to tell the whole story, but you refrained in fear we will not understand you...
Many of us live such situations, but we're not equally vulnerable to them. Why don't you teach yourself to live without regrets? "miss it, lost it to the circumstances, privileged I had it once..."
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