A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I‘ve known this guy for about five or six years now, and we belong to the same group of friends. We only ever meet when this group meets, but then its ok, we do talk and everything is pretty normal. If we meet alone (which is almost never) its just awkward but here is the thing, we talk a lot through IM-ing and then for hours and hours about everything. I know he likes me, he‘s told me many times and we‘ve been on two dates a long time ago. But nothing more, mostly because I tend to freak out. In our talks, if he tells me he likes me or goes into more intimate discussions like trying to analyse why we talk together so much and can‘t talk face to face I freak out. I don‘t go and chat with him for weeks or months, but keep it normal in our group. Eventually I go back to chatting with him and sometimes I just want him there online all the time to talk and get sad if he‘s not there and then again I turn into icequeen after some deep discussion, call him a loser in my mind and promise myself not ever to come back to chatting. I‘ve hurt him more times than I can count but for some reason he always seems to forgive that and understand or at least try to understand my reasons or my mood swings. The thing is he‘s not this ideal guy I would like to be with. He has all these things like being trustworthy and honest, but he‘s also very shy and passive in life. He‘s go a big family which he is very close to, but almost no friends. I‘m also a bit shy and private person, but I‘ve spent long time to become more open and outgoing and like who I‘ve become. I‘m afraid if I‘m with someone like him that I could fall back into some old self and become isolated or something. I‘ve no idea what to do about all this and it‘s getting old and I‘m tired of it. I like him and sometimes it‘s scary how much I like him and then the next day it can be gone. What to do?!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 You need to make up your mind and do it quick because its really not fair on this man, its like you are leading him on even though you dont mean to thats exactly what you are doing.
Just because he is quiet and shy doesnt mean that you are going to fall in to that pattern as well if you date him. Just remember be yourself always and never try and change for anyone. It sounds like you build up your confidence and you are now afraid that this guy is going to tear it away again. Yet at the same time you like some of the qualities he has and you like talking to him.
I guess you just need to ask yourself what you want. Either give him a chance or tell him straight out he is not the guy for you and dont lead him on. Goodluck.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I can't tell you what to do, but here's some food for thought. He's not what you imagine as the "ideal" man. But often what we think we want, and what we actually need in life, are two different things. Are you sure you know what you need, what will make you happy? Or is your "ideal" man someone who you'd potentially be unhappy with in the long run? Even the best guys have their bad sides, and there is no such thing as "perfection". Love is about acceptance, not perfection.
"I‘m afraid if I‘m with someone like him that I could fall back into some old self and become isolated or something. "
Have you been with other guys where this has happened? Are you easily influenced by others? Wouldn't it instead be a great idea to work on yourself, instead of depending on having another person bringing your good sides out? Change for yourself and by yourself, not dependent on any man in your life. And staying true to who you are is YOUR job, not a boyfriend's job. If you worry you will not be able to be yourself with someone then that person is either not for you, or you need to work on yourself so you can stay strong and true to who you are no matter who you're with.
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