A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, where to even begin... 3 years ago I split up with a guy I had been seeing for 8 months. It wasn't official but we were only dating each other. Anyhow, he broke things off after my friend told him (without my knowledge) he needed to commit to me properly. I only found out that was the reason, a year ago. Anyway, I was absolutely devastated. It feels like I lost a piece of myself. I don't tell people about me, my feelings etc. but with him it was different. I opened up, let him know the real me and he broke my heart. Over the 3 years, we've ended up together in some way and spoke about 'us'. If we are out and bump into each other, our friends comment on how we both 'light up' when we're together. His best friend even said me, he can't understand why we're not together 'he's a better person when he's with you'. However, last summer we fell out after I started seeing somebody new and haven't spoken since.Things were going great with this new guy... Going on dates, going out together with our friends, he gave me a key to his apartment. Things were good, or so I thought... In January out of the blue, he ended things. His reasons were: I don't open up, he doesn't know what I'm thinking or feeling about this 'relationship' because I don't talk about it, I'm a closed book, emotionally unavailable etc. I didn't even realise that this is what I was doing. Nevertheless, I wasn't upset that this ended and I know that isn't right. I don't know if its because I can't move on or I don't want to move on and have a relationship with anyone else. Its not healthy and I just don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2015): It really doesn't take long to figure-out if a person is not really into you. A guy can tell when you're not emotionally-available. Guy#2 was wise to end it and move-on.
You're stuck in an emotional-purgatory; because you are angry and resentful of the two breakups with the first guy. You think there is something you could have done that would have prevented it. Stop creating images in your mind about how it could have, or should have been. You have no idea. It failed twice! Move forward.
It lasted only eight months; and ended three years ago! You are pissed with your friend, you have a damaged ego for being rejected, and you've gone all this time dragging the old baggage around. So you've been emotionally-shutoff ever since. It just wasn't meant to be. Evidenced by the second go-round, where it ended due to a row with him; because you were seeing someone else. Seriously?!!
Stop carrying around guilt because of all that junk everyone was saying about you two as a couple. It didn't work-out; so you feel like a failure, you're worried too much about public-opinion. They could only see things from the outside. It apparently wasn't true on the inside. Being a "good-looking" couple is not the same as being a happy couple. All the commentary was contrary to what you felt for each other, apparently. They commented on "appearances" and didn't have a clue. Apparently you're not as into him as you thought. Why did you start seeing somebody else, if you were in the process of working it out?
You're a hot mess, girlfriend. Take a break and date for fun and companionship. Stop forcing yourself into committed relationships. You don't have it in you yet. Not back then, and not right now.
So go out dancing, dinner, movies, and share fun or romantic activities with guys. You're not emotionally ready to be anybody's "girlfriend." So stop forcing yourself to be, already!
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (9 March 2015):
 Hi,
i would suggest that you seek some professional Counselling, just to determine the what & why, etc; of your previous & current behaviour.
When attending a Counselling session, please bear in mind that the assistance provided to you, will be to help you, to help "yourself".
If you are not able, nor prepared to delve deep within yourself, then i wouldn't suggest you go to Counselling, although i am sure it'd be of some assistance to you.
Also, you didn't appear to be serious, committed, nor in love with either of these two men, so you may be better off, letting go of both men & moving on.
As you are still young, i doubt you've found your Mr Right just yet, the man that you may desire to commit to, or even marry.
If this had already occurred, then you wouldn't have broken up with one/either of these men.
You need to take a long break from men right now & get in touch with your inner self again, your needs, your feelings, yourself!
Do things that you like, not do things for others.
Take time out & as time passes, you will have gotten over the past & you will be able to once again, re-open your heart to finding love & hopefully someone that you truly connect with.
Try not to worry, nor focus on this situation too much, as breaking up & yes, even numerous or many times, is all part of life & in this day & age, quite normal & natural.
For many, it will take years before they meet their ideal suitor & i am one classic example.
I am in my late 30s, i have been in numerous long term relationships & only now, have i finally met the man that is to become my husband, so you just never know.
I wish you all the best, please be strong, be focused & let me know how you get on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): You don't mention 'love' with either guy. So perhaps it is best to move on from both of them. The first guy got easily put off by a friend's comment. Not a sign of commitment. Are you just thinking about him now because of your latest break up? Contact the first guy and suggest going for a drink and catch up. But don't expect too much. The future probably is about looking ahead and not back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): Discuss it with a professional and look for the root causes?
ps: the guy who broke up with you recently seems to have hot the nail on the head-you are not emotionally available. As to the "why?",only you know the answer to that...
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