A
female
age
36-40,
*ellyBean23
writes:My mom had me when she was about 19, then 3 months later married my biological father as requested by my grandmother. My mom and biological father got divorced before my first birthday because my mom knew that he was not ready to be a dad. My biological father (here on out "Bio-dad") was a drug dealer, drug user, alcoholic, and was abusive to my mom and I. Along with the divorce she filed for full custody, and asked for child support, giving him full visitation rights. He never paid a cent of child support, and we never heard from him. My mom started dated my stepfather (here on out "Dad") before I was old enough to remember. He was there for the court dates with Bio-dad, and was at my first birthday, and every single one since. They married when I was 8, I was ecstatic. My mom contacted Bio-dad when I was 5, trying to get my last name changed back to her maiden name. Bio-dad told her no, that he knew what it was to be a father now, and that in case his "baby girl" ever wanted to find him one day, he wanted it to be easy. I still have his last name to this day. My dad wanted to adopt me, but after considering Bio-dad's history with drug use and abuse decided that it would be best not to contact in case he wanted visitation out of spite. I was OK with that.A little over a year ago I asked my mom and dad if they would be alright with me trying to find Bio-dad. They told me that they knew this day would come, and that they would give me all the info they had on him, and support me with whatever happened. I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish by finding him, but told my parents that I had a hole in my heart that needed to be filled. I hit dead end after dead end even paid a total of $100 for a few different background checks. After moving cross-country in April, I decided to give up the search and focus on starting my new life. That mentality lasted until the last weekend in August, when I decided I was going to write a letter to the last address on file for him with a request on the envelope to return the letter to me with an address correction. That night, I logged on to my facebook, and found a friend request from someone with the same name as Bio-dad, and a note attached asking "could it be you?" I responded with "could it be who?" and the can of worms opened from there. I asked him why he was just now finding me, and he told me a slew of lies about my mom and my family, and how he wasn't allowed to see me. I know all of this is not true, because I saw court documentation granting him rights to see me. I am so confused as to how I feel, and whether or not to give him credit for finally finding him, when and if I should forgive him, along with thousands of other questions. Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? How did you handle it? What would you suggest I do to approach this? Please help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): I would do what Abella said, but I would also call him out on his bs. Don't sound whiny or angry, just say something like "I saw the court documentation. I know how you turned out and all of the stuff you did. And if you want a chance to get to know me, you have to tell the truth. I know you didn't do anything for me, so if you want to start now you're going to have to deal with the mess you made."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): You don't 'need' your bio-dad in your life. After the way he treated your mom, and was so selfish as to have the nerve to insist you bear his name even though he bore no responsibility to you.and even now, years later, he's lying to you. Not surprising though. Some people are just no good.what is it exactly that you want from him? You already have a Real Dad. The man who raised you, loved you, cared for you, and still does. And who loved and took care of your mother (and still does). Family is not genetics, it is defined by relationships and love.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 September 2011):
 You turned out as the person you are because your Mom and your Dad did their very best to be there for you, support you and loved you. And still intend to continue supporting and loving you. Thus you can consider your self fortunate to have enjoyed such a great Mom and Dad. You are who you are primarily because of your personality and their good care.
Your need to find out more is entirely understandable and something that most people cannot ignore, in the same circumstances.
Sadly the truth often turns out to perfectly explain why the couple (your Mom and your Bio-Dad in this instance) ended up splitting.
Because due to the dynamics, and one or both of the persons involved, the relationship was unsustainable.
Twenty years later, just be wary. IF this guy is your Bio-Dad he is not getting off to a good start. I don't know why I have such an uneasy feeling about this bio-Dad, but I do.
The fact that he would contact you via FB and then hit you with a string of lies is the first big Red Flag. That is not demonstrating integrity to me. The fact he has to try to manipulate the truth to claim X is Y, trying to make himself as the
aggrieved party, when really he never tried to support you is another Red Flag. The fact that he tries to claim he is the victim and 'they' stopped him from seeing you. LIES.
Does he have a record of being gaoled?
Does he still use or trade drugs? Is he short of money such that he will try to make you feel sorry for him and try to rip you off?
Because he still sounds manipulative I would be extraordinarily wary.
To the point where I would even request that he and you get a DNA test to prove he is who he says he is.
How much personal information and personal evidence to support his veracity has this man provided to you? Do you have half siblings?
Being me, i would be asking him to provide a copy of various things like a copy of his driver's licence, his birth certificate, photos of his Mom and Dad, details of his siblings, nieces, nephews. Forgive what might sound like over-zealousness but this man seems like a guy who may be familiar with criminal activity, may have spent time in goal, may have questionable associates.
There was no need for him to lie to you.
But some people start to move in a culture where the only thing that is reliable is the strategy of telling lies before they would ever even consider telling the truth. It is not a way to live. But it seems to make them think it is giving them 'options' so that no one is appraised of all the true facts at the same time. It is a criminal mind and it is not a smart thing to do.
And I would not meet him face to face unless he started being honest, and then only in a public place, in a neutral destination, not in his home territory.
By the way as an adult you and your Dad (the one who became your genuine good supportive Dad) can now , with your Mom instigate an adult adoption of you, by your Dad and Mom acting jointly in an Application with you. Your Bio-Dad could not stop it happening if your resolve in Court was demonstrated as firm and definite. As you are an adult the Court will listen to you and it would be a loving respectful thing to do to legally acknowlege all that your Dad has done for you.
Think about it, especially if your bio-Dad keeps trying to justify his disinterest with more twists and turns and justifications for his lies and his absences.
Your Mom made the right choice to give you good life and good support and love and a stable upbringing.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (3 September 2011):
 You don't have to start a relationship right away with him, but you should try to forgive him. Just start out simple and have a conversation from time to time. Since he missed out on raising you, you get to call the shots when it comes to how fast and close you want the relationship to be. But just go at your own pace and try to get to know him for the good person he might be.
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