A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello here, the thing is I met this married guy around august 2015,though he didn't tell me he was married until almost a month and then I was already in love with him I don't know why but I remember all I could say to him was know problem and don't worry I am a virgin though till now because I don't believe in sex before marriage though he has tried many time to convince me but he's never succeeded the only time I kinda enjoy this relationship was that period till his widely put to bed then I firtly realised its because of her pregnancy that made him looked for someone unfortunately which is me, then they do quarell a lot he don't tell me though but I do sence it but after this her third child she gave birth to last year since then I have just been something else I have tried several times to leave him be but to know avail and maybe its because I love him so much I have other problems but thinking about my love with him makes me fall sick and now I have grown thin than I use to I am mostly unhappy the only time he gives me attention a bit is when his family travels out of the state immediately she returns that's the end right now I am sick and has been showing little concerne but since three days now as his family got back he hasn't even called to check I texted him severaly that three days ago and it took him three good hours to reply every of my text then I knew his wife's back and am not needed someone that was begging that i give him a blowjob one of this days but once I say I am not interested anymore and that everyone should go there ways it becomes a problem he looks for ways to manipulate me that we end up back again he does this all the time because of him I stopped watsapp for over a year now in anger cus when I text him from 7-10pm he won't reply until 11pm or next day telling me his wife's complaining about him not paying attention to them even after work so I got angry and since 2016 I stopped to watsapp,but I am always available for him because I have no body like no other man , I bake him cake during his birthdays even when am broke but this is just me here, talk to me as a sister I am 23 and he's 36 the truth is I can go on but I just need someone to talk to, to tell me what to do,how can I stop this love I feel for him? Am so sad..... U have no idea.....just tell me the real thing to do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2017): I was in your shoes. I was head over heels in love. Do you use Facebook? Here's advice I wish I had during my two year love affair with a player..
Join a Facebook group that's designed to help betrayed women deal with straying husbands or likewise. I suggest you don't go straight in and introduce yourself as a side piece because they'll probably not much like that.
Joining such groups will help you to see the situation from a perspective other then the direction you're looking at it, which I can assure you is a blind spot you don't want to be in.
There's a science to affairs, and so although it's a broad category, it's a predictable mess that you're not prepared for until after you've been through it because no one ever talks about it like that.
Again, seek ways in which you can empathize with his wife moreso, even if you must do so through other betrayed wives and consider her feelings moreso then his.
I never fully got over the guy, I guess because the feelings were just so intense it's hard to find that again. But now I realize that marriage is a pretty big deal and she's planned her whole life around their marriage. She made sacrifices for him and birthed his children etc. You can't compete with that. All you can do is work on yourself, take note of what makes a marriage affair proof, and then go find your own guy.
It's been over a year since the affair ended for me completely and it's changed me. I want a marriage of my own and to fall in love like I once did with him, but I realize that even my best foot forward might not be enough if a guy like him cheated on a woman like her. Everything she endured I now also endure. She felt defeated and small. She did her hair every day and lost weight to save their marriage. He was an idiot to hurt her like that. And now, I feel obligated to go above and beyond for my new guy just to avoid ever being in the very position I put her in. Your pain is nothing compared to what you'll put her through.
We all want someone were attracted to, but what we really need is someone we can trust with our aging processes throughout life, including the effects of child birth. He shot those dreams down for both us chicks. I suggest joining online support groups where you can see first hand what is going on in their marriage. Good luck with your heart break ;(
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 October 2017):
 Firstly, he is married and married people are off limits.
Secondly, any man that can so actively try to cheat on his wife is no good (character wise) in my book.
Look OP, you've been strung along because you've allowed yourself to be. Guaranteed if in the beginning you set firm boundaries and cut contact with him, you would not have been in the situation that you're in right now. Ultimately, cheaters just want to have their cake and eat it too which is what you've been letting him do this entire time. By baking this guy birthday cakes and such, what do you think you're doing? He isn't your man. He isn't yours to claim.
I'd advise you to cut contact with this man and leave him be. That's the only way for you to get over it. Just ghost him and focus on your own life from now on. Even if you decide to date in the future, make sure that you date someone that is AVAILABLE. If you're saving yourself for marriage then surely you deserve someone where marriage is at least an option.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2017): Well, cold-turkey is the only way we get out of bad relationships and move on. It isn't love you feel; it's wanting something so badly that doesn't belong to you. Knowing you can't have it, makes you want it even more.
Love is used as a frequent excuse for cheating. He has a wife, and now you know that. So it is cheating. You have no right to complain about how he treats you; because he only does what you allow him to do. You make excuses for your weaknesses; and call it love. You even admit he manipulates you. Not when you're fully aware of what he's doing. If you comply, you're doing what you want to do.
The karma in your situation is; he treats you worse than he treats his wife. He sees your weakness and he plays with it.
So now you're losing weight. You're going to look terrible while his wife is nice and healthy. Your suffering is her payback for messing with her husband. What if you were married with three children; and your husband was cheating on you? How would you feel about that?
Your life is just passing you by. Men who would treat you better and respect you can't get to you; because you're holding-out feelings for a married-man.
Go ahead, suffer and enjoy the karma. It just gets worse. His wife deserves some sort of retribution for being cheated on. Too bad, he gets away with it. You're helping!
He's the winner in all this. How does it feel?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 How can you stop "loving" him?
By looking at his actions, his treatment of you AND of his wife. Those are NOT the actions of a good man.
And look at your own actions. Would you be OK with a husband doing to you... what he is doing to his wife? Would you be OK with another woman doing what YOU are doing with YOUR husband? I think not.
That should make it "easier" for you to end this and walk away.
Start by blocking him on your phone (if you can) if you can't then change your phone number and DELETE his so you aren't tempted to call him.
WORK on your OWN life. Your social skills for instance. Your career or work situation. You are 23. Old enough to be taking care of yourself financially or at the least working towards that independence. Maybe you could look into furthering your education?
Set some goals for yourself that ONLY includes you.
At 23, you have your whole life ahead of you, so why waste your time on a man you can't trust, who doesn't love you but USES you as entertainment.
How is your social life? Friends? Hobbies? School? Work?
Find things that make you happy with your life. Being a "sort of mistress" is not making you happy and has NOTHING to do with love. He is using you. And YOU, up to a point is using him. Yes, you heard right. By holding on to this affair you are holding yourself back from other men, from friends, from self-improvement.
What are you REALLY getting out of this affair? I mean really? Some sloppy attention (when he finds the time) a guy who tries to manipulate you into doing things you don't WANT to do (sexually) and what else?
You know what you need to do, so DO it. Time to move on and LIVE your life.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 The only way to get over an affair is to cut all contact and not allow him back into your life.Seek counselling if you need to, but don't allow him to see you or talk to you. The main thing you need to realise is that his is NOT love. You are not in love with him - you have a crush and he manipulated you.It's better to be "alone" than a bit on the side for a lying cheater.You'll find a boyfriend eventually, but not while you chase a married man.Focus on your happiness as a person. Find a new hobby. Go to a weekly class that you'll enjoy. Bake for charities, rather than married men. Volunteer for a homeless shelter or animal rescue.Do not talk to him again. Block his number. Do not allow him to visit you.
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