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female
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anonymous
writes: I really need help. Recently my cousin told me that she thinks someone she works with is getting engaged to my ex. I felt really awful when she brought him up because I didn't care to know about him! I was 19 when I emt him and he was 26...he took advanatge of me and verbally abused me and was controlling and possessive, he wanted me to quit my job and have me all to himself and he was also an illegal immigrant who wanted to marry me right away so he could get his citizenship (I see that now, but I didn't see it then obviously) and he took my virginity. You can't believ how many issues I have because of it now, even though I'm 21 and it was years ago when it happened, I just am having more flashbacks of when I was with him and how terrible it was until I finally dumped him..I even went to therapy...I don't feel as bad about it now, but when she told me this I was just so disgusted...and I don't want to tell my current boyfriend about it because it's not his problem and it doesn't have anything to do with him...I think it's affecting me so much because I feel like this other woman doesn't know what she's getting into...he told me he sexually abused his male cousin who was 5 years old...I asked my cousin if she would at least warn the other woman that he is a predator...he preyed on his cousin and he preyed on me...but she said it was her bed so she sould lie in it..I don't know...in any case I feel sick because I am remembering him and what he did to me...it's making me angry and just like...I don't want him to be happy doing this to another person....I know I shouldn't care but it makes me want him to pay for what he did to me...I can't stop thinking about it--does anyone have any advice? thank you
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (10 October 2006):
 There are two issues here. (i) YOu are feeling angry about the past and (ii) you are worried about this new woman. You can do a lot about the first one but not much about the second. Get some more counselling as you should try not to let this man ruin the rest of your life. Tell your current boyfriend - if you bottle things up it is not fair to both of you and you may well find him to be very supportive. As for the lady, well she will find out what he is like soon enough and hopefully have the strength to leave. If you told her about him there is no guarantee she would accept what you are saying (if she is all loved up right now) and may just see you as the 'spiteful ex'. Best to leave things well alone and concentrate on recovering from what he did to you.
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