A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All!I am in a relationship with my colleague since a year. I'm 23 years old while he is 41 years old. He is separated (they used to have a lot of arguments) and has two kids who he meets regularly. He is a really nice guy. Friendly, helpful. We work in the same company, he is in a senior position. Everyone at the company adores him, as he is good to everyone. He speaks to the building cleaners with the same warmth as he does to the boss. And he even helps out anyone who come to him when they have problems. His kind nature is what drew me to him. He is good to me too, he looks after me, and makes sure that he's there for me whenever I need him. Of course we have had our share of fights, but they diffuse pretty quickly. I thought I was just so lucky to find a man like him. My family has met him and they really like him too.Unfortunately a month ago, I discovered another side of him. I used to notice that he used to be very protective of his computer and cellphone. Since everyone needs their privacy, I let it be. But curiousity got a better hold of me and I discovered a whole lot of things (through his computer and cellphone) which shocked me. (He did not know I was snooping on his things) So, I discovered that he has been having multiple online affairs all the time we were going out. All of them were single mothers or women going through a divorce. He has even slept with a couple of them. And I found out that he has also been emailing random women asking them if they are interested in something more than friendship.I confronted him and he agreed to all that he did. We talked a lot about it. He did not shout at me for checking his stuff, rather he was quite open to me. He explained everything that happened. He acknowledged that what he has done is wrong, and that he knows he has a problem but he promised me he will stop. He told me that he knows that any excuse he gives me will not justify what he's done and he told me that he will show me that he will be true to me through his actions. I told him I want him to send an email to the women he's been chatting with, and end things with them. And he did it in front of me. They even responded back and I saw their replies. And they havent bothered him since. I know coz I've been snooping around again.Thing is, I always associated cheaters like this to be the sort of men who are either too rich or those who don't care about anyone but themselves. But this guy is just so nice to people, always giving everyone a helping hand. He loves his kids and he and his brothers and sisters are really close, all of them are really nice easygoing people. He is a practising catholic and visits the church every week. He doesn't drink or smoke. He seemed so normal. So this discovery broke me to bits.When I initially found out, he told me that if I want to leave him, he wouldnt stop me, but he said that he really loves me and hoped that I would stay with him and help him get out of this habit. Though we have been spending time together, he told me that we'll have sex only when I want to and he's been treating me really well. I chose to be with him coz it feels just right. But I can't get over what I found. The days I don't meet him in the evenings, I wonder what he's upto. I wonder if hes still chatting with women online or meeting anyone. I really love him but there are days when I just sit and think about everything I discovered. The odd thing is I cannot stand cheating, the previous guy I dated cheated on me too, I caught him kissing another girl and I dumped him immediately. And though I have found out such terrible things about my current boyfriend, I can't get myself to let him go. What do I do?[Mod note: poster is located in UAE.]
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female
reader, meccamega  +, writes (12 March 2012):
My ex did the same thing. Even though he was cheating everyone took his side. I guess those people like cheaters and liars? He is popular with people but he's still a manwhore, cheater and a liar.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): his nature is nice because he has learned that being nice will make everyone friendly to him.. and he will receive their favours... he is turning on his charm.. literally...
Can't you get it.. he has this perfect attitude because he has all his needs fulfilled... even if they are wrong.. he doesn't have any sexual frustration.. he doesn't have any guilt.. so he has this nice kind attitude to his life..
Just leave the guy.. he sees you as just another challenge.. another conquest..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 March 2012):
 I think your heart is engaging in wishful thinking right now, so listening to your head will be better for you in the longterm, hard though it may be right now. The guy is a charming creep who preys on vulnerable women. You'll see it more clearly with distance and time, and clarity of thought.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): It's pointless trying to "profile" him to make sense of this, because people are complicated, no one is all-good or all-bad. Someone can be a great father, a great son, a great brother, great friend, great boss or co-worker. Someone can give of themselves tirelessly to charity to help those in need, or take in stray animals and nurse them back to health at great personal cost, or courageously put themselves out there to stand up to injustice on behalf of those who are weaker. This all does NOT mean that this same kind/generous/courageous person may not also cheat on their spouse/partner. Being kind and generous to other people, is separate from being honest and loyal to one's spouse. when people cheat, often it is because there is something missing in their personal inner lives - a sense of control maybe, or an emptiness that they find gets temporarily fulfilled by the thrill of the encounter. Thus to them, cheating is their private 'medication' for whatever secret pain they are feeling. This has nothing to do with being kind and generous and helpful to other people- that is their public persona, not their private one.People who cheat can also be very good people in all OTHER areas of their lives. My dad cheated on my mom 25 years ago. But he stopped and they are still together, they've been married 40 years now and seem to love each other very much and are very close. My uncle cheated on his wife, but he didn't stop and after about 30 years of marriage she finally divorced him. my best friend's dad was a pillar of the community when we were growing up, he was on the board of several charities, was a mentor for many younger people in his profession. Yet he also cheated on his wife chronically over a 25-year period and at one time even made plans to get divorced and be with his mistress for real, until his family found out and foiled his plans so he's now still with the wife. I don't know if he's stayed true to his wife anymore, but I sure wouldn't want to be in her shoes even though her husband is still around. He and the wife now spend a lot of time being grandparents to my friend's kids, and I'm sure he's an awesome grandpa, but if I were the wife I still wouldn't be trusting him.I don't have any answers for what you should do. It's good that he didn't deny and lie when you caught him - many men would have done that. But at the same time, this is a red flag for this relationship, and maybe this is why he ended up divorced/separated. you should only stay with him if he is getting serious help to address the underlying issues which led him to be cheating. Depending on how serious those issues are, he may need to get professional counseling, not just a "do it yourself" approach which would be destined to fail and he'll go back to cheating to get whatever it is he is missing in his life.one thing though, is that it is not your job to 'help' him overcome this problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. After reading your answers, I'm reconsidering my decision. It's tough for me, but I think, this time, I need to follow my head and not my heart.:/
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (4 March 2012):
 My uncle is a huge manwhore and serial cheater with many great qualities. He is very charming, generous, attentive, romantic and vivacious. Men, women, children and even animals adore him. He is in fact my favorite uncle and I love him dearly, but it doesn't negate from the fact that he has cheated on every single woman he has ever been with (including his wife). He has been this way ever since he was a teenager and now he is well into his early 50's. He just loves women and loves the attention.
Just because your boyfriend is "nice" and "helpful" doesn't mean he cannot be a manwhore. From what you write, this doesn't seem to be a once in a lifetime slip up. It's not as if he was only talking and whoring around with one woman. No, he is whoring it up with multiple women, which means he likes the attention, the chase and the thrill of multiple women.
Since you're going to give this dud a second chance, I strongly advise you to never have unprotected sex with this man. No sex without condoms no matter what he says. Sometimes we need to make mistakes for things to sink it. Just don't end up being a fool with an STD.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): I have noticed that Trisha and the Other Aunts have seen the red flags and have adequately cautioned you YET dear OP, you have chosen to ignore the red flag and have decided to throw caution to the wind. So OP, please note: no unprotected sex. Also be aware that he will continue to cheat bec "it is in his blood". Cheaters rarely change, and your older man is the same.Is he legally seperated, with the divorce proceedings being adhered to or did he merely tell u he was seperated. Just so u know OP my brother is the best: the kindest, warm, "good decent guy" but he is also a cheater with no regard to anyone but himself. He is what i have termed a "con artist". So dont think that these nice con artists are not cheaters.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): There is a name for men like this, 'players' It doesn't matter how sweet, king, attractive, helpful, etc, they are, in fact it sounds very Narcissistic to me.Read some sites about The Narcissist and realtionships, or even read up on Bordelrine personality disorder and relationships.I have been in the same situation as you, and I'm sure after some googling, I have found what's wrong with my lover.I don't hold out that it will help you move on, but it will certainly help you understand what you may be tangled up with.All the best to you xx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2012):
He targeted vulnerable women and actively pursued sex with them. You were previously cheated on, you are younger and have less life experience and if your flag and country data are correct, you are a long way from home.
You are this type of man's ideal target. You've been shown a huge red flag and yet you still want to trust him. I fear you are setting yourself up for a huge let-down.
I have known guys like this. He's not likely to change for a young and naive woman, he's just going to do a better job of hiding his extra-curricular activities. Be very careful. And NO SEX without barrier contraceptives. Maybe see your GYN for a quick check up to make sure you haven't been exposed to something.
Be well.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2012):
 My ex husband was like this. he was kind to everyone. He also had the need to have as many women as possible stroke his ego... It's emotional cheating and to me that is worse than physical cheating.
I was never able to trust my husband.
IF you think you can forgive and forget I can tell you that you may forgive but you will never forget... and that will color your beliefs of everything he does.
Think long and hard about what you can and can not accept and deal with before you decide to stay with a man who you do not trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers.@jannipeg:We have slept together, but since I discovered all this, we haven't yet. He does masturbate regularly. But yes, he surely does seem to have a high sex drive. I know for a fact that he watches porn regularly.I'm just too hurt right now. But I think that I need to give him one last chance. If I leave now, I'll forever wonder if we could have made it and if he would have really changed. So maybe I'll give him another chance. But if I find out that he's cheating on me again, I will end our relationship. I will never take him back again. I know I won't.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2012):
You've seen the man behind the mask. You now know his words and actions toward you have nothing to do with his words and actions toward others. You know. Now why are you spending so much time trying to convince yourself otherwise?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 March 2012):
 Now it's hard to let go but you can imagine how it would be for the next couple of months. Would you still be snooping on him (it seems he doesn't mind)? My assumption is that you haven't had sex with him yet and he needs to get this out of his system by having a series of meaningless, non attached sex with strangers. I understand for a man with high sex drive it can be painful without an outlet but it is wrong doing this when you are dating. Snooping is wrong too. Perhaps his marriage has ended because of his cheating? Was it because his sex drive is so high and his women just couldn't keep it up? Or is this something he does because it has become a habit? Remember he has two kids already. How many kids do you want in the future. When you have a kid he will go through the same sex drought. Can you trust that he stays true to you? No one but himself can kick this habit. He is a gentleman for not pushing sex, for admitting his mistakes but he still hopes that there is this special woman who would stop him from straying. I worry that this woman does not exist for him. Masturbation can relieve blue balls. Unfortunately some men don't masturbate. He can be too dependent on a physical body to relieve tension. I can understand cheating with one person, but more than three is too much and that goes beyond just scratching the itch. He must get a kick out of talking to women and getting them to respond.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (3 March 2012):
 You need to stick to your beliefs and your morals. You say it yourself, you cannot stand cheating, so why should this be any different?
He sounds like he is one smooth operator, honestly. Just because he's super nice to everyone in the office is one thing, but having respect for his girlfriend and women in general is another thing.
He took you finding out that he cheated way too calmly, and to be honest, that's a bit odd. He seems to be playing you. He's met your family, have you met his? If he hasn't shown you to his family, it shows you aren't as important as you thought you were. Sorry to be blunt.
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