A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:(This is the woman who had the ring question) And don't even get me started on his spending. We had a joint account and he claimed that someone came and stole our money. He had spent half of my bond that I got from my grandpa of about six hundred bucks on eating out by himself and gas, when he could've asked me for money for gas. It was a sacred account cos it was our wedding account. We were going to save up money for our church wedding, and in the beginning he promised to not touch it only for emergency purposes. I even remember clarifying with him what that meant. Then he was all so whats the big deal the money would've gotten spent either way (from my account or our joint account). What's the fucking big deal???? We were saving up for our wedding!!!! And he doesn't have a job, and he tells me that everythings going to be fucking okay. Yeah, right. He had three jobs when we were dating, now that we are married he has none. He has none now cos he is suing Wal-Mart cos they wouldnt give him workers comp when someone bumped into him and caused him to fall off a ladder. He had screws in his knees so he needed surgery but he is doing alright now. He cant work for a year and a half. I understand his situation, but still, telling me that everything is going to be alright when we dont even have the money for our church wedding as in we will have it when hes not working??? And when he spent half of the bond my grandpa gave me????? Now we are in debt to the bank about one hundred something dollars and it has been referred to a collection agency. I'm thinking of taking my name off the account cos I don't want his fucking bad credit. He really fucking pisses me off.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 January 2009):
 Lovely guy.
A lot of things seem to come out in your updates. The suicide thing is really nice. It is a classic example of emotional abuse/blackmailing.
Abusers can force you to stay with in a couple of ways. Physical abuse: Stay or I kill you.
Financial abuse: Stay or I will ruin you.
Emotional abuse: Stay or I will kill myself.
Physical the police can help you with. Financial, you can always work around, the police and lawyers can help you with that.
But emotional abuse/blackmail is impossible to work around. How are you going to stop someone else from hurting themselves? You can't, so you feel compelled to give in because you don't want to be "responsible" for him being hurt.
The guy is an abuser and remember, that doesn't mean he ever has to a lay a finger on you. It ain't easy to deal with this or to give advice. You are starting to realise that things ain't right, that this ain't the way two people are supposed to together. Stick with that thought.
You are going to have to make a decision, a decision that will NOT be a nice one at all. Some people consider it selfish but that is because they read the question wrong.
The question to ask is this. Whose happiness can you affect. His or your own. The question is NOT, whose happiness do I choose. That would mean you choose being happy yourself over his. But that is not the truth. Sticking with him is after all not exactly making him happy is it?
You can't make him happy. Only he can. You can make yourself happy, by taking charge of your own destiny and making those choices that will chance your own life in a way that will make you like yourself and your own life.
My suggestion would be to end this relationship, not saying that this will make you happy, that is something you got to decide for yourself but I am pretty sure that sticking with him in the hope things get better won't work.
Walking away from him might seem the wrong to do, but as sad as it is, you can't fix another persons problems. Only they can, for themselves. If he isn't, by his own freewill going to fix his issues, then you can;t make him or even support him.
Leave him, take charge of your own life. That is hard enough.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): why on earth did u marry this guy??
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (23 January 2009):
 Well that's not healthy.
Both of you need to strongly consider marriage counseling. Not just him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe it's a love and hate relationship. Idk.
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (23 January 2009):
If you hate him so much, why are you with him???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo tell you the truth Idk if he has any other disorders, but he has adult ADD, which is marked with impulsivity, aggressiveness, etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know that symptom you mentioned about bipolar, hurting themselves....my husband once pointed a shotgun in his mouth, and took a picture of it, and put it on his yahoo messenger and according to him he actually pulled the trigger although by some miracle or whatever the bullet didnt come out. He did this when I wouldn't talk to him. When he was threatening to do this I didn't talk to him, because I told him after the argument that this was blackmail. He said, "Yeah but I really meant it." And I said, regardless of whether you meant it or not, it is still blackmail!
Also about a year ago I almost broke up with him because I told him that I deserved better instead of someone who yelled at me and told me to get over shit in my past, but then he acted like he was going to kill himself and I gave him another chance.
And you know I read about women in situations like this all the time, so this just disgusts me and makes me hate him more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Maybe your husband has bipolar/manic depressive disorder. People who have that kind of disorder tend to spend toooo much money sometimes because of the disorder(besides other problems). Also bipolar people can get into strange accidents like your husband did. Sometimes when they are angry at somebody they can hurt themselves like jumping off a wall or a building. Or kill somebody by "accident".
Make sure you know your situation. And keep an eye on the money. You have to be the Grown up in Your marriage, so make sure you understand what is happening. You might end up in a big dept if you are not careful. But then again your husband might have credit cards etc, so make sure you are not paying for His Depts.
Go and see a counselor and take your husband with you. It seems like you cannot solve money issues together, and perhaps there is no trust, respect or honesty since your husband spent tooo much money without talking to you about it.
Some people may look at counseling as a bad thing since it's connected with the notion of mentally sick people in the hospital etc. And some may not accept that they really need counseling to actually function in the world. So do go to counseling with your husband, it will do only good. Although he may not accept the fact that there is something wrong, typical. If he still does not want to go to counseling with you then you should consider leaving him, you cannot be the watchdog for the rest of your life, and you can't control your husband either.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 January 2009):
 If you hate him, and he can't do anything right, and he can't afford to give you the baubles that you demand, why do you sleep with him?
FA
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (22 January 2009):
 Hi, Thanks for responding. Good moves, I might suggest that you look into seeing a threapist by yourself, to get a professional answer to some things that you want to go into further. If he is not going to go, don't worry about it, you need to have some peace in your mind. So see if you can find a good therapist and lay out the situation, you need
to exhale, that would be a good way to open up completely and it could be a help, as well. I hope that he settles the case soon, and relieves some of the pressure on you both. Good luck, stay in touch if you need to. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree Artistry I am going to change my pin number on my separate account, just to make sure that I am safe financial wise. I have been jogging and it helps relieve some of the stress. Thanks.
And you have it right. We are married. Have been for about six months.
Yeah he made a sarcastic comment, "What are you going to have me go to a therapist?" And I said "No, cos it wouldnt help you if you couldnt admit that you have a problem." Plus I think he'd bullshit his way through the session if he had it alone, lying about many things.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (22 January 2009):
Hi there, I am not sure what you thought of him prior to marrying him (I think I read that you are married , just without the formalities, yes?), but you have found yourself in a trick. If you want to have any money saved for the formal wedding, you better put it in a separate acount under your name ony. He is probably depressed as well. One more very important thing forgive me for saying this, but I certainly would not get pregnant, until something changed with him. You may have to carry him for a long time. You might want to suggest a therapy session for him and for the two of you together, he needs to come to grips with where he is in life at this time, and you need to decide if you are in this for the long run. If you love him and want to stay with him, you will need,in my opinion to make an adjustment and come to accept him and all that goes with him. Try not to get depressed yourself, meditation might help, also exercise to break some of the stress. Any money that you want to be sure you have, you should have in a separate account, if he can get to it, he will spend it, and make excuses later. Take care, good luck with the whole thing.
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (22 January 2009):
Well, it seems like you have a slacker and user on your hands.
I understand he can't work. But he also can't be spending money like it grows on trees.
Maybe you should wait on the ring and wedding. Everything may not happen NOW. Patience, grasshopper. Get your finances in order BEFORE getting married. BEFORE the nice rings. BEFORE the big wedding. Get your ducks in a row first. And make sure he will be a provider BEFORE you walk down that isle. Wouldn't you really hate to marry this man, then find out that he will be a slacker and user for years to come?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd then when he heard that I vented to my mom about this, he was all "I only say nice things about you to other people." Right. Bullshit. And even if that were true, he has no right to try to guilt-trip me. I confronted him and told him he has a spending problem, but he denies it.
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