A
female
age
51-59,
*ina70
writes:I am confused, and can't seem to find the right way out of this mess... I have been with my husband for 21 years, we are both in our late 30's. Things have not been good for about 8 years, due to his job. He works away from home and we never see him (we have 2 children). 6 months ago, we decided to seperate, and during the initial weeks, we got on so much better, and even thought about the future, and that we could make changes to make things work. I had a week away with friends, and during this week, my husband was unfaithful to me. This totally broke my heart as we were talking about our future. He then met another woman, and introduced her to our children, saying she was his future now. As you can imagine, I was devastated. I kept asking if this was what he wanted, and I was repeatedly told to get on with my life, and let him have his.I did this, and started dating a really lovely man, who makes me laugh.Now, 6 months down the line, my husband wants me back, and has been so upset, and I really think he is being honest when he says he will never hurt me again, although he cant say why he was unfaithful in the first place, and its really important for me to know why.I have the 'other' mans feelings to consider too, as he says he is sure we can be happy together, and doesnt want to lose me.I am so desperately confused as to what to do, and I know nobody else can tell me this, but I need some guidance.I love my husband still, of course I do after 21 years together, but am worried i'm feeling like this for the wrong reasons.Is it because he becomes emotional when I see him, and tells me how sorry he is, and that I hate seeing him so upset?What do I do about the genuinely lovely man I am dating? I have strong feelings for him also.What a mess!!! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): The way I see it you have three children to deal with. Get rid of one and focus on the other two. The best way to do that, in my opinion, is to show them that you are ok. Show them that for the first time in a long time you have a man in your life that makes you laugh. Hang on to that as long as you can! Unfortunately your children already know what their Dad is all about but they may love him just the same, I really don't know what the relationship is? I would respect their Dad as a Dad, say good bye to your EX partner of many years and thank him for teaching you what you don't want, and start a new life. Try not to let the painful details of moving on interfere with what your heart has known all these years.I sympathize and understand why you see this as a big mess and I wish you all the best.Tony
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Very good advisement, male anon. I commend you, on your insights.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Never switch horses in the middle of the stream.The one word you never used was "in love" when talking about your husband. Only words you did use is "broke my heart", "unfaithful,devastated" Are these the building blocks you want to use to build the rest of your life with?? The only term you used "love" for was in the familiarity sense.. " of course I do after 21 years together.."You will likely NEVER get an answer as to the "why" your husband cheated on you. Your 'husband' is taking the "any port in a storm' approach to this relationship. The other woman is gone so back to "familiar port". Really want that type of relationship?? What happens WHEN it happens the next time and he does this again?? In any marriage regardless of how long you're been married,, there still has to be some passion, and those times when you "rock each other's socks off". And, it's not visible in this relationship. So what if he gets upset ?? HE wasn't "upset" when he ran out and got another booty call (port in a storm) Think he was really considering YOUR FEELINGS THEN ???? You think he's being "honest" now ?? why?? He wasn't honest with you in the past, he couldn't even be faithful for a week when you both mutually agreed to seperate.Why at this stage of the game you are still trying to make YOUR DECISIONS based on what Your 'husband'decisions have been ??Time for you to start making decisions for YOURSELF and What is Best FOR YOU and YOUR LIFE. ps: don't even think about "what's best for the kids" and all that krap as a factor in staying with loser 'husband'. The kids have long since figured out their parent's are pretty disfunctional and the marriage is a train wreck, Kids are very smart and figure these things out better than parents. It's just very difficult for them to verbalize what they know. May sound harsh,, but it's way past time for you to make your own decisions for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010):
Things didn't go well for your husband and his new gf, did it? So he's lonely and miserable now, perhaps? I am siding with Eyes here, on her advice but I will say, whether to go back to the husband or stay with the bf, is a decision that no one else can really answer for you. Sometimes, a husband will come back, crying to his ex wife because he's sad and lonely, or he feels that he likes this 'game' of competing with the other guy to get 'his woman' back. Hey, you are not the big prize here!! :) You are a woman who looks out for herself, is independant and you need time and space to really think on this. Remember, your marriage broke up for a reason. So please, make very certain you are absolutely sure, in your decision of which path you want to go on. You can go back to the 'familiar' with hubby..it's a risk,, you could relive the same problems that broke you up. Or...you can venture into the unknown with the bf and find blissful happiness. If you choose hubby, make darned sure he is willing to make the compromises and changes, with you to make a possible future work out. And take a good, hard look at the new bf. How does he treat you? Is he kind. loving? Does he respect you? Which man has your respect...your trust? Which man makes you the happiest? Which man is the one that is good for YOU and your future? Good luck, dear.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 January 2010):
 Let me jump in while q is having his moment, what i think you should do is tell your husband that he needs to give you more time to enjoy your freedom and your new boyfriend. If things don't pan out with the new guy then maybe you'll be interested in getting back with him but you aren't making any promises. See how he likes the taste of his own medicine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Hi. Its not really a mess. Your marriage was failing for 8 years. It got so bad you both agreed to part company. As many find, you got on better apart than you did or will again as a couple! While you were apart BUT talking about getting back together, your husband slept with another woman. He then further devastated you by meeting atleast one other woman and introducing her as his future. And he told you to live your life and let him live his! Now you are happy with a new man in your life. But the ex hasnt fared so well and hes on his own, blubbing to you about how sorry he is? I cant believe you feel bad because things havent worked out how he planned! Dont be a mug. HE told you to get on with your life! So do that, be polite to him but refuse to speak to him if hes going to turn on the waterworks. Hes just being a big baby.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): I think he was going overboard on the rebound. It seems to fit the pattern. So does his coming back...You need to ask yourself if there is love. But that will only happen once you both untangle yourself from other relationships. This is why they tell people not to fall in love with someone who is not divorced. Its like a textbook case of married people bringing outsiders into their affairs which they should have sorted at home. You are not divorced. And if the other relationship was real to him he would have rushed into the divorced. You would have too. So go back and see what you can do. ANyone will tell you to save a 21 year old marriage, with kids, if it possible to do that with love. It was deeply unfair on your part to involve a good man in your life when you have not been legally divorced.
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