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female
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*earyeyedgirl
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. and our relationship has been difficult from the beginning.He's from Australia, and I'm from the Netherlands. He's the 6th I've slept with, I'm his first. My last boyfriend and I were together for 4 years, but when things didn't work out, we decided to remain friends, and I spent a lot of time with him still.When my boyfriend came into my life, that didn't really change. but he became jealous over the fact I was still spending so much time with my ex. This was something I couldn't understand at first. In my opinion, I was just spending time with my best friend.But on the other hand, I did got jealous over him spending time with his female friends.I had that 2 standards thing for quite a while, not seeing what it was doing to my boyfriend.Then all of a sudden it clicked for me after a big argument we had. He was really getting depressed over the fact, he felt like my ex was coming first, and he was coming second. I didn't feel like I was doing that at all. For me, he came first, but I realised, he didn't see it that way.At first I started meeting up with my ex less and less, but it wasn't helping, it was too late for that.I love my boyfriend so much, and didn't want to lose him. So I completely cut off all contact with my ex.Still, my boyfriend stayed depressed over everything that happened. (he was depressed over things before me already as well)After a year of being together, I moved to Australia to live with him.And that's where I screwed up completely.The first 5 weeks of me being there, I had a lot of problems adjusting to everything. I cried a lot, and felt completely lost. But during that time, I was meant to find a job, because money was running low.But I just couldn't bring myself to it. My boyfriend however worked an insane amount of hours to support us during that time.After 5 weeks, I did manage to get a job (with his help) but things started to go wrong even there. I got migraine attacks and couldn't work. my job had technical problems, and I couldn't work. So still, I wasn't putting in my share into our financial situation.That aside, something horrible happened during all of that.My ex had sent me an email, in my native language (which my boyfriend can't read) telling me he wanted me back, he missed me and wanted to send me money to get me back to him.I never saw that coming, that he would send me that, because it had been a while since I had real contact to my ex.I paniced, because my boyfriend told me, he didn't want anything of my ex, of my past following me to his country, to his house, that it would break him completely.So I did the ultimate screw-up. I lied to him. I told my him it was just a group email, it wasn't meant for just me, and my ex had just forgotten to get me off the email list.I did it to save my boyfriend's feelings, because I thought he wouldn't get over what was really written.He believed me for a while, but I guess he was still uneasy about it. Because he more or less broke into my email account, and had the letter translated with one of those internetprograms. and the translater got it right. Yet I told him, it got it wrong.He remained suspicious, and had it translated professionally. And that's when I admitted to it.I told him I felt like I had no way back. that I buried myself too deep in the lie.But it didn't matter. He's now depressed beyond anything. And no matter what I do, it doesn't help.He wants to kill himself.He now has a problems with anything to do about my past. He feels like he's only the 6th for me. that he isn't special. He feel like I paraded my ex infront of him, thinks I cheated on him, feels like he is getting so much less than the 'other guys' I've been with, because they had to do so much less to be with me than he has. He also blames me for our bad financial situation.I know I deserve all of this, I did it to myself.I did find a new job now, one which pays better, but I've only just started and haven't been able to prove anything with that.My question is, what can I do to save my relationship after hurting him so much?I just don't want to lose him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2006): This really is a tough one but one that I can relate to. First of all you both don't deserve the situation. So saying you deserve this, while very noble, is nothing but useless words. My wife did this to me when we were going out(ok not as bad as what you have done). She was my first and I was her fourth. She stayed in contact with her last boyfriend for a few months of us going out. The whole time I was not allowed to have contact with female friends. I cannot explain how pathetic it can make you feel. You feel like you have wasted your time for the 'one' and yet she got to sleep around. That aside, by having so much contact with her ex and not allowing me contact with female friends it seemed like I was getting punished. She almost drove me to suicide with this. Not matter how much I confronted her about it she was just seeing a friend. I used to lie awake in bed as she would be at the movies with him. Not only had I wasted my time waiting for the right person before I get intimate, no appreciation was shown, I felt like I was worth nothing. I told her this and I told her we are through. But she begged and begged and I didn't leave but she never stopped seeing her ex. So one night during the argument I told her I would cheat on her. And I did. And to tell you the truth it is what made us the happily married couple we are today. For now I could understand how you could have been with someone and not still hold that as precious. At the same time it gave her a wake up call and some insite on how I could have felt. She forgave me and now here I am, happily married for 9 years with the girl of my dreams.That is my story, but you have done more bad things then my wife did to me. From what I read you didn't mention how long you kept seeing your ex while with your boyfriend. But I know anylonger then the 6 months I would have been suicidal. And since the pain of those months is still with me I think your man, who wants to die, will never actually recover from this. In a way it's like you have already killed a part of him off. Now take into account he seemed willing when you came to live with him to work an 'insane amount of hours' while you couldn't, but you did lie to him(and it does seem you lied for a while and kept on lieing) how could he not feel worthless. I hate to say it but he is getting much less then the other guys(unless you drove them all to this state). To be honest I am amazed he is still with you. I think this does tell you how much he loves you, he seems willing to accept how his life is meaningless if it means he can be with you. That is something I would hope you appreciate. Its something I hope you tell him everyday. I also hope you would be willing to put up with similar treatment if it to occure(which I hope it doesn't, because that's not the way to a healthy relationship).As bad as it may sound, the only way the relationship might be saved(and his life) is to maybe stretch the boundaries of what he can do. Maybe he should sleep with someone else. I know it would be hard but he could get an understanding of your side, as well as not feel so suicidal. Let him do that once, and then make it clear never again. Don't force him to do it though, still give him the choice. THen both of you attend couples councelling. Personally I believe you have been unfair and it is time you accepted the consequences of what you have done. Just not making the mistakes anymore will not be enough.I am sorry if this seems uncaring towards youBut it saved my relationship and made me a lucky man.I hope you keep us all updated
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