A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey Guys,Feeling so stressed out at the minute, I have an unrequited love and not much else going for me at the moment either.I've always been shy with girls in the past, but managed to have a little fun with a girl that I was friends with, it lasted about a month or two before she decided it was over, I told her I liked her and it got a little weird from then on, I barely talk to her anymore despite really wanting to stay in contact because she's a really nice girl, but she makes some bizarre decisions, like staying friends with another guy who loses his rag with her over nothing and calls her many insulting names like "slut" and "slag" and despite being the perfect gentleman, or at least trying, I get nowhere.I just lack the motivation to do anything at the moment, I just can't get this off my mind, I've got a friend and my sister who I speak to about this (my sister is also this girl's friend) and they help me to voice my opinions to get rid of a bit of the pressure I'm feeling, but it's just getting too much.....I'm trying to ignore her but I have so many urges to send her a message but I've restrained myself from doing so, but she doesn't make the effort either, so I'm guessing that she's happy enough for this friendship to end - either that or we're as stubborn as each other to give in.I just don't know what to do anymore, I can't get this off my mind no matter how much I try to, I lack the motivation to work, go out, have fun....the only thing that I do nowadays is get home from work and go to the gym, only because a friend is relying on me and I don't want to let him down.The most annoying thing is, that she doesn't give a crap about this, she's still living her life as normal whilst she's pretty much fucked mine up for me and I'm the one here trying to get back on track and she doesn't have any idea what harm she's caused - It's just gonna be such a shame to cut all contact because she's a person that I really like to speak and hang out with, but I can't really see any other way at the minute, she's pretty much led me on and screwed me over.What do you guys think about this? Am I being stubborn? Is she in the wrong? (Should she make an effort?) I've had a few little arguments with her in the past over this kind of stuff and it's just peeing me off at current, the sensible option is to steer clear of her, but we used to talk for hours on end before things went tits up and I've never met a girl like her before :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the response Tisha, it was really helpful.In hindsight, I might have put this together in a rash fashion, I haven't had a ton of contact with her this week, but I've spoken to her a few times and seen her twice.I feel as though I can say I'm 'over her' I've already told her this earlier today and said hope things can go back to normal and we stay friends because I don't wanna lose her completely, she's fun to be around.I know I didn't paint a great picture of her, but she's amazing, everything about her is just perfect and I'd rather have her as a friend that nothing at all.She's finally gotten rid of this other guy out of her life too, he went one step too far and she's deleted him from everything.As for me being stubborn, I can be very stubborn if I believe I'm right, so I wouldn't say it's too out of character for me.Thanks again Tisha.
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 Unfortunately, as you are learning, there is no way to make her act the way you want her to. She is her own person with her own mind, maybe making some poor choices right now, but that's her perogative. All the wishing in the world and the hopeful dreaming will not alter the reality, which is basically that she does not like you in the way you like her.
It sounds like you need a jumpstart to get out there and change the course of your summer. You also need to realize that you are in a little period of mourning for the lost relationship. It's like a bereavement, and there are certain phases you'll go through while you recover from the loss.
Yes, you've never met a girl like her, but then she's not sounding all that promising to me. The sensible thing to do would be to research the grief process, analyze your current phase in that and see what you can do to get over her. It may just take some time and distance for you to see more clearly. It may take some counseling to get your self-esteem up and out of the gutter where it apparently lies. If you are engaging in obsessive thinking, you need counseling for certain.
Here's a website to have a look at how your mental process is going: http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
The good news is that you have friends to talk to and you are getting out, maybe not as much as you think you should be doing, but you ARE getting out. Maybe you just need to go through this period of mourning and another way to speed it up or put a punctuation mark on it is to have a little ritual of purging her from your life. A ceremony where you burn any pictures or keepsakes (assuming no explosives, ha), delete her from your social networks and your electronic devices, a fresh new you... eternal sunshine of the spotless mind kind of thing.
To answer your questions: What do you guys think about this? See above
Am I being stubborn? A bit, but is this normal for you or abnormal?
Is she in the wrong? (Should she make an effort?) Sounds like she just wasn't into you in the same way you were into her. I don't think it's reasonable to expect her to pretend to feel something she doesn't. Yes, maybe she could try to make an effort but the spark isn't there for her. It's a pointless question for you, you're just building resentment for something she isn't feeling.
I think expecting this relationship to flower and flourish after her obvious lack of interest in you is unrealistic, wishful thinking on your part. Maybe you should be trying to figure out why you are so mired in the same place? Try research the stages of grief and check out that website I posted for you.
Good luck to you.
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