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female
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anonymous
writes: Thirteen years ago I experienced this amazing connection with a man, overwhelminginly intense on several levels, not just sexually. We had a brief, passionate and sexually very gratifying few weeks together, but at the time, he was single guy, not interested in anything serious, and this, my one foray into casual sex, was ultimately unsatisfying, as I wanted the intimacy that comes with a committed relationship. I ended our connection.In the years since, I have thought about him often, what if, etc., but even though we move in similar circles, live in more or less the same neighbourhood, we never crossed paths until a couple of months ago by chance. When we saw each other, it was that moment all over again, and my breath caught at the sight of him - and he visibly reacted in kind. We were drawn to each other, but this time, there was a woman by his side. He had married 9 years ago. We made small talk and that was that. No calls, no contact, but I could not stop thinking about him.A couple of weeks ago, our paths crossed again by chance at a festival, and he was alone. We talked for two hours, catching up on the intervening years, acknowledging that the feelings were still there, teh same powerful connection that was more than sexual, that felt deeper. He said he had wanted to see me again about a year after I ended the relationship, as he was ready to settle down and I was the one he wanted to pursue things with, but my number was disconnected and he couldn't track me down. He never stopped thinking about me.Short of the long - his marriage is unhappy, they have slept in separate bedrooms for 3 years and she refuses to go to therapy or get counselling. I ask him why he stays and he replies because he never wants to look back and feel if he'd taken one more therapy session, read one more book or done one more thing, he could have made the marriage work. Either it will improve, or he will see it to the end. (And that commitment, something I gave to my own marriage long ago, touched my heart.)Eighteen years ago, I was married and my husband had an affair, so this is something I would never wish on another woman, or man. I don't want to be (won't be) the other woman, yet he and I both feel this amazing once-in-a-lifetime connection that's more than sexual, it's a synergy, a knowing, like perhaps in a past life, we had been together. We have not seen each other or spoken since, but those two hours were full of depth and breadth and humour and quiet sensuality (not acted upon), that created a warmth and intimacy that left us both wistful - why couldn't we have had this conversation thirteen years ago? We consciously kept each on our side of "the line", with no physical contact except a hug at the end of our conversation, and at that we kept it short. We both made an effort to minimize eye contact, afraid we would not be able to control what we saw there.My conscience says - no, no, noMy mind says - deal with what happens when/if it happensMy spirit says - don't force the karma, everything happens for a reason and keep the intention clearMy heart says - from what I knew from 13 years before and in even our two hour conversation, he is very much the man (type of man?) I am lookign for. My heart refuses to believe it cannot be his, and hopes every to be notified that there has been a misunderstanding, that he is not really married, that it is free to feel what is feeling and does not need to be restrained.My question:How does one appease the conscious, acede to the mind and spirit, while calming and soothing the heart? To have this connection, and know he feels the same way and wants to be with me, is flattering and devastating at the same time. I will not pursue, I will not be the other woman.He will not pursue, for he is not the husband who will have an affair.I never believed I would feel this way.I never believed I would be in this situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2006): You had a great time with him years ago, and have thought of him since. Now you run into him again, get caught up with what's happened in your lives, and you are left with thoughts of what might have been.
Fact is, he is married. Even if his marriage is unhappy, it still is the dominant fact of his life.
You were married once, and I applaud your determination not to start anything with this man, knowing it would be wrong, and wreck more than one life. You need to be firm on this.
To make it easier, DO NOT try to make a platonic friend of him! Despite your good intentions, its possible that what might be intended as simple friendship could get out of hand. You have to leave this experience in the past and continue on with your life.
I spoke of it as "the past." It is. It became part of history when you parted company after your two-hour catch-up.
PERHAPS meeting you again after all this time will cause him to re-think his marriage. POSSIBLY he will come to a decision to end it. IF he does end it, and gets divorced, THEN he will be free to contact you and you two can legitimately get together again.
I know this is difficult, but truthfully, until and unless he decides to end his marriage, it is the only honorable, decent way to proceed. But don't wait around on the offchance of him ending it!!! He might very well decide to remain in his marriage - after all, didn't he say either it will improve, or he will see it through to the end.
So, you have to go on the assumption that he will not be in your life, and look on this chance meeting as a pleasant interlude.
A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (30 July 2006):
 Well I think you should be friends and let things go slow maybe if you relax you won't really feel atracted to him anymore,we like thinking of film like situations like yours could get to be but reality is different, I don't really think he would have told you that story about the past and his unhappy marriage unless he wanted to get something in exchange, do you really trust him? do you really know him after 13 years? is he a potential mate? Time, a little investigation through friends in your circle and many conversation with him could help you to decide if you want to be the other, a close friend or his couple in the future
good luck
Love
Astrid
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