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anonymous
writes: hi.
I'm 24, my partner is 26 and we have one child. Since I gave birth 2 1/2 yrs ago my partner has been an emotional void and I have to beg for a cuddle at night or a kiss (so you can imagine about sex). It makes me feel shit because how many males wouldn't jump at the chance of sex whenever. Anyway, I'm starting to lose weight and when we saw a friend (more of an acquaintance) of his) he was eyeing me (to the point of me telling him I was self-conscious so stop staring at my chest). it's not the first time I've caught the guy staring at my bust. There's seems to be sexual tension in the air (and not unwanted - but mostly just due to a lack of attention from my partner, and this guy's partner too).
I do feel bad because my partner is a nice person, but how many years of feeling unloved should a person put up with? I have poured out my heart to my partner (not about his friend) about needing to hear i love you more than once a year (no exaggeration) but he can't offer it obviously. It's very depressing because it makes me feel like I can't get that attention from him so it makes me think of cheating. I'm not that sort of person, and I don't see me getting intimate with someone else, but I think about it a lot and I wouldn't put it past myself to reach the kissing stage of cheating. where does cheating begin? is it thinking or doing?
Please help. I feel bad talking to him about it - because it doesn't do any good. I am hoping that returning to my pre-pregnancy weight may spark the interest that used to exist. if it doesn't, it will probably spark his friend's interest.
thanks for being someone to talk to.
k
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male
reader, sorrysob  +, writes (16 December 2012):
I would like to say I went down this same path and have lived to regret it. The hurt caused to yourself and your partner will end up screwing up both of your lives (not to mention the kids). Once I betrayed my marriage, I became so depressed with what I had become - I was non-functional. I had to take antidepressants and it took me months to get to where I was a functional zombie. In all, it took me about a year to get smart enough to understand why I became so severely depressed and stop the medication - and the affair. The person I had the affair with ended up causing me great stress and destroyed my family. She tried to destroy my business too. I now dislike myself. It has been a year since she tried to destroy everything. Even now, I feel like a scum bag that barely deserves to walk the face of the earth. I wasn't myself during the affair and made bad choices. Choices I wouldn't have otherwise made had I been of a healthy mindset. That doesn't make any difference because I still have to take responsibility for my behavior. I didn't even have any idea how my wife would be hurt. I thought she didn't love me. I thought she didn't care for me. I felt that she neglected me. There were lots of justifications for me to become a cheater. Believe me - the best thing to do is to tell your partner what you are feeling. If you can't do that, then you need to divorse before you decide to cheat. If you stay married, you take the chance of spreading STD's to someone who trusts you. This will also make you feel horrible about yourself. Take if from me, I wrecked my life and the life of someone I loved. If you are that unhappy then end the marriage. Don't set yourself up for lots of hate and hurt (it is not worth it). Hope my words are not too late.
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female
reader, LoveThyself +, writes (14 August 2012):
First of all, and this goes out to any woman who is feeling truly neglected by her partner, don't feel guilty. If you have tried to work it out repeatedly and expressed your feelings of loneliness to your partner and he still ignores you, do what you must in order to maintain satisfaction in life. Be sure that you love yourself and are not looking for someone else to do it for you, though. Noone else can make you complete.That said, if you desire physical touch or to coneect with someone, then it is not wrong to fulfil that. Your partners are breaking vows to love you, so "cheating" is NOT WRONG. That's patriarchal and peoples' way of keeping you in line. Liberate yourself. Find that satisfaction. You're not going to hell or hurting him. As a matter of fact, if he doesn't care about you and your needs, you have the right to feel the way you feel. Be careful, be safe, and be sure of yourself. Select your next partner wisely. Most of all, have fun and don't feel the least bit guilty. If anything, you have earned it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): Thank you all for the answers. It is a very hard decision as I will disrupt everyone's lives and can see how many will probably turn their backs on me. I am afraid that I may be even sadder as I know I will miss my home and normal family life. It will also be quite hard financially for me as he makes the majority of the money and with the housing market taking a down swing we don't have much equity after remodeling the house. I feel I am trapped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): i am 21 years old me and my husband have been married for almost 2 years now but beeen 2gather now for five years we have a baby boy and he is one years old . he doesnt give me attention he doent hold me he doesnt love me or make love to me as much as before i try to talk to him about it but he says that his back hurt , but he has time to do other things like sports yoga go out at nigt with his friends but no time for me i dont know what to do he always puts me dowen i feel so alone i love him so much i just dont get attention and everytime i try to talk to him he doesnt listen to me he ignores me am thinking to cheat because i feel alone all the time all my friends have husbands and they dont get treated the way my husband treats me am so sad i feel alone i need a man in my life who can hold me and tell me that am gonna be with u holding u for the rest of your life i dont know what to do i love my husband
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female
reader, Need to be Loved +, writes (12 October 2010):
Wow and I thought I was the only one with this problem, been with my husband for 15 years we have a 13 year old daughter...Yes it has come down to begging, I dont know if you want to call it that it's more like crying and yelling at him letting him know that all I want is someone to love me. My husband has hobbies he likes electronics and loves sports...this is his life I don't excist to him, recently when he was ignoring me like usual I was crying and crying and asking him why, you know what he did he just sat on the couch playing with his electronics and looked at me and said calmly "what is wrong with you, I think you need a conselor" At that point I didn't know what todo he didn't budge or console me. in 1996 we separated due to this problem of him treating me like I dont excist. I met a guy went out all I kept saying is "your nothing like my husband"(I said this to myself not my date) every guy I would talk to I wanted them to look and treat me like my husband did when we first met none were like my husband, so I stopped dating, started talking to my husband again and here we are back together, I am now starting to think of myself because before everything was for him and doing for him I lived for him...not no more I went and changed my hair style the way I want, I purchased an excercise equipment...going out with my friends wonte faze him it never did I've done it before, before we separated he stood home watching the baby, because couldn't miss his sporting event on TV...Things are going to change...I promised myself I will become stronger..What I do now is when it gets to me and can't take it anymore I will get on my exsercise equipment or I will turn to the Lord and read a few scriptures...I hope everyone that comes to this site will become stronger, it's hard I am still weak and need to be held and cuddled it hurts ALOT, but if we love our spouse which I do all we can do is walk away and do for ourselves. Best of Luck All
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): I have been married for over 20 years. The last 2 years have been so lonely. I am getting older and have a lot of issues. Before you do anything, think about it. If he finds out he will use that against you. Take the high road. I feel so bad that I cheated once and it was fast and unfulfilling. I feel like poop. but now I think I am addicted to the attention that I get. I need a man to talk to me everyday telling me how beautiful and wonderful I am since my husband has no clue. I don't want a divorce because I am embarrassed. My husband is a wonderful person and father, but he is not in love with me. He loves me but doesn't LOVE me like he used to. I can't help but think all of this is my fault.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): Dear All,
It is sad to see so many of us women in the same position. I feel like I am in a loveless relationship. We were great until I had my daughter, and since then, he has changed into a completely different person. He is always moody, not interested in sex at all, and picks fights over everything.
I love the man he used to be, but he does not show that he wants to change. He says he does, but his actions show me differently. I wonder what it would be like if it were just me and the baby. I don't want to live a life without him, but the baby must come first, and he has a bad attitude. I have told him plenty of times that if he is miserable then he is free to go, but he always comes back. It is like he is determined to be depressed and bring down me with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): alot of us go thru this stage especially women.My husband and i have only been married for 1.5 yrs. and well at first it was great. we got married after our youngest son was born and i think that's why we did it. Now it seems more like being married as an obligation to the children.My husband has also picked up drinking and I worry he'll cheat when he's out.So I just went to what i know best life is short! I want to be happy and if I'm not that means I have to always wonder and there goes my life.Let your husband know why you married him and where the marriage falls short of both of your expectations, if he is still not wanting to realize then it's either counseling or part ways before you grow to hate each other.remember there is a child involved and they deserve to be happy. don't make them suffer for selfish reasons.
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female
reader, lano +, writes (22 March 2010):
I am in my fifties. My husband stopped having sex with me about 12 years ago. Four years ago, I learned he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. We went to counseling that only provided tools to communicate better. I still don't know why he is no longer interested in me sexually. I have tried practically everything. He becomes irritated or tense when I try to discuss intimacy. I am tired of being tired. I want and need intimacy. I refuse to loose another twelve loveless years. I am a "yes" away from having an affair. My husband does not want a divorce, claims he no longer has "outside" interest. I want to be faithful. I am on the fence about divorce because we have two kids in college. Divorce is painful for kids no matter what the age. So, my advise is to take care of YOU. LIFE IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL. Stay married if you want. If there are no children then PACK quickly and get the hell out. As for me...I am sure I will find what I need with another man. No commitment just intimacy, laughter, and love.
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female
reader, rachael b  +, writes (7 March 2010):
i feel the same way, ive tried talking to my bf of 6yrs but it always goes back to the same as before and when i keep bringing it up he says im nagging, i dont think it will change till i do something about it like find someone who actually cares and wats to be with me
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): Wow...it is so amazing that so many women and men are often in marriages that has a lack of respect and love!
It all sounds like a lack of heartfelt communication and understanding!
If you have communicated your need for attention and affection and your spouse refuse to meet those needs,there is a lack of love in the marriage.
I am also in a marriage for the past 6 years that is very insensitive and unloving on my husband's part. I have communicated to him my need to feel loved,have affection and honored. the sad part is we are both Christians! The bible tells the man to Love his wife as Christ Loved the Church and gave himself for it. It also tells the wives to submit to your husband as onto the Lord.
I am sure it is hard to submit to a man that isn't showing you love in the bedroom or in everyday life. It is just as hard to Love a wife that isn't submitting.
The question is what is your definition of love and affection?
What is your definition of submission and respect?
These are questions you need to ask yourself, ask your spouse and ask the Lord (not in that order)
The Lord has been my only strength through this battle! I know that I am battling with my husbands upbringing NOT HIM. We are often a product of our enviroment , many times childhood enviroment.
The only way we can be deprogrammed from the poor examples in life is if we get new information on what right and what is wrong. no matter if you go to Church or not. If you believe in God or not. We all need to change in some areas. unfortunately there is only one that can judge all unrighteousness and that is GOD!
I recommend that we all draw closer to God because He is our strength. We can give our testimonies and even fault find against our spouses but the truth is we all have faults!
Love is patient, love is kid
It does not envy
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
Love is not rude,
it is not self-seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil,
but it rejoices wit truth.
It always trust, always hopes,
always perseveres...
LOVE NEVER ENDS
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): I'm a few years younger than you, and of the opposite sex, so I'm not sure how valid my thoughts may be to you, but I'm willing to give it a shot regardless. You're married to him, and have been with him for atleast 3 years. I understand that relationships, specifically, feeling unloved, may be devistating. However, I really dont think cheating is the answer. Ask yourself this: how hurt would you be if you found out that he was cheating on you? To be honest, I (apparently) have putten someone who I cared very deeply for in that same position of feeling unloved. The was she coped with it was by cheating on me. I can tell you, it was one of the WORST feelings ive experienced in the entirety of my life. Not only did it make me feel like I doing something wrong in the relationship, it made me feel like my love, and the way I cared about my now ex-girlfriend wasnt good enough. All of this was towards the end of a 3 year long relationship (she ended up leaving me because of a career choice). More likely than not, its not you. I would keep in mind that your husband is probably dealing with a lot in life (supporting a family, work, maintaining friendships, and of course, the future). If you think about it rationally, what good is cheating going to do you? you betray someone who you supposedly trust's love, you risk breaking apart a family, and of course, there is your daughter. I dont claim to be an expert on relationships... but I believe that if you genuinly love the person, cheating is not the answer. If everything continues the way it has been, look into getting a devorce at the least (if you cant solve it now, it probably wont get much better in the future and you'll both end up in a relationship which you're both miserable in, and hurt by). I wish I had better advice on what to do, rather than what not to do, but as of now, stay strong, and do your best to reconcile. Love is eternal, and if it is meant to work out, it will. Best of luck-Z
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): I am 36 years old and my husband is 38. We have to children. One is 12 and one is 5. For the past 3 years my husband has lost all interest in having any type of intimacy at all. Including even words of endearment. i complain and then he puts a little effort in, but you can tell it's only because I complain. During the day we talk on the phone and I'll bring up how we never have sex. He will always tell me how when we get home then we are going to have sex. Once were home he always starts some kind of an argument because he knows I won't want to then. I even point it out to him what he is doing and he just denies. He has used every excuse there is. I'm tired, I had too much to drink, I'm hungry, the kids are around, wait til later, blah blah blah. He's even tried blamming me sometimes for whatever reason. There has been occasion where I have ventured out and ended up kissing other men. 5 to be exact over the past 3 years. I haven't done anything else but kiss and I always beat myself up over it the next few days afterwards, but then I don't feel so bad because my husband still has no interest in me. Recently there has been a guy at work that really has shown interest in me. He is also married with the same problem and I recently told him my problem. It feel so good to feel his interest. He is very attractive and this morning he said to me that he wanted to get together for some comfort. If you know what I mean. I don't know what I should do please help. I do love my husband and DO NOT want a divorce, but what am I to do?????????????? Please respond.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): I have been married for almost 14 years. I feel so down about the lack of affection we share. I want more, but the closer i get the more she thinks all I want is sex. I just want to feel wanted. Other woman find me attractive and want me, but I want my wife to want me. We have two children and they need both of us. Why can't she just give a little more. I don't know. I would saw off my arm just to have a wife who wants me and is affectionate. I spiral downwards in depression every time I think about this. The more hopeful i am that i might get luck and i don't just brings me further down. I love my wife and i love my kids. One of them has severe special needs. If I try talking about this to my wife she eludes to divorce, so I don"t; try talking too much about this. We have been to marraige coounseling and her most memorable comment wa, Its not my responsibility to provide sex."
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): This is my first time in this webpage and Im glad to see that other women have similar problems.
Im 23 years old I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we have a 5 month old baby girl.About 2 years ago I reconected with one of my High School Boyfriend.One that I cared for alot we started talking we went out a couple of times but just as friends..A year later I got pregnant i still remained in contact with him during my pregnacy I consider him to be My best friend we talk about everything.A couple of months ago we started flirting eventhought I havent cheated on my spouse yet i do think about doing it..Ever since i got pregnant our sex life has changed alot. We used to have a great sex life now i practically have to beg. I know that hes not cheating and i'm not the kind of people that cheat but i need Love and affection and if my ex is willing to give it to me it just makes temptation harder.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): Well, don't cheat and tell him how you feel, and if he acts indifferent to that conversation/question then just divorce him, he's doesn't give a damn, but if he answers something give him a chance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): Well, at least I'm not the only one! What the heck do you do when you love and desire your man and he doesn't feel the same way about you? It is true torture. I've been married to my husband for 7 years, and have never considered cheating, even though the lack of sex and intimacy is wrenching. I'm a good looking 37 year old, in fact, I am a very popular and much sought after internet amateur adult model (go figure) he is 44. He seems content to have me be his non-sexual companion and friend, but no more. As a woman who is very affectionate, and very sexual, I crave the intimacy I have had with my exes. The lack of sex is the only thing that is lacking in our otherwise very good and worthy relationship, and I really miss it. I really do. It is tough, and it is a bitter pill to swallow, the knowledge that other men want you more than your own husband wants you. I sometimes wonder if I didn't make a mistake getting married to him, but I love him deeply, more than I have loved any other man. It makes no sense. I never expected that true love would mean no sex. Why why why???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Well, we might assume a couple of things from the stories here. The spouse with the lagging libido is possibly getting it elsewhere, or maybe gay, a couple of possiblities with younger couples. All I can say is anyone not cooperating sexually in a marriage, for whatever reason, is asking for the other half to go out and find it elsewhere. So, don't be shocked when it happens. However, we can argue all day as to whether that is justified. There is an old saying appropriate to these situations. A hungry dog not fed at home will go elsewhere to be fed. My wife and I are in our early forties. She shut down and turned it off two years ago. Otherwise, she is in excellent health. I do love her dearly but I also love and miss my sex. To make a long story short, I met a woman who is in the same situation as I am. Her husband has no interest anymore. We meet one or two times a week. We keep it very discreet. We both still have plenty of interest. I don't like this situation and constantly wrestle with my conscience over it, but what am I to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): Hi,
This is my first time in this webpage and I'm amazed of the amount of people with the same problems I have...
I think the story repeats over and over...I read my problems in almost every single post.
My story is the same: Married for 7 years, together for 10. No children, frustrated with my husband. We love each other, but htings have not been working out for a while. I have to beg him for a kiss or cuddling. If I kiss him he gets pissed or he thinks I want sex. He only comes to me when he wants sex...UGHH...In the past 10 months we both have lost a lot of weight (40-70 lb). Now, he feels different...he's in a freaking middle life crisis and he's not even 40!! He wants to have children now but I don't. I have some tests to validate my title in USA, and he too...Well, I love him but sometimes I just want to be alone. I've even contemplating cheating...
I think a good advice is to look for a friend. I don;t have my friends close and that's terrible. Don't keep everything inside you, try to talk to someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): Hi,
This is my first time in this webpage and I'm amazed of the amount of people with the same problems I have...
I think the story repeats over and over...I read my problems in almost every single post.
My story is the same: Married for 7 years, together for 10. No children, frustrated with my husband. We love each other, but htings have not been working out for a while. I have to beg him for a kiss or cuddling. If I kiss him he gets pissed or he thinks I want sex. He only comes to me when he wants sex...UGHH...In the past 10 months we both have lost a lot of weight (40-70 lb). Now, he feels different...he's in a freaking middle life crisis and he's not even 40!! He wants to have children now but I don't. I have some tests to validate my title in USA, and he too...Well, I love him but sometimes I just want to be alone. I've even contemplating cheating...
I think a good advice is to look for a friend. I don;t have my friends close and that's terrible. Don't keep everything inside you, try to talk to someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): okay ladies, lets get down to business. These dudes are either assholes or just not that into you because they are gay and do not want to upset their judgemental family and friends or maybe the man really is feeling sick or too intoxicated, but if that is the case, he best be givin it up the next day. I actualy am a size 10-12 or 30 in citizen jeans if you would rather. my husband is not wanting it all the time but it could be my drunkeness. He loves me and my little girl but tonite I came home from cocktails with my girls and he was not even fighten for action so I jumped on this website and realized we were going to be okay for now. I just want to feel like he cannot get enough of me. I want to be sexy... I have never been happy enough about my body to feel comfortable in it but you ladies cannot link your poor sex lives to your bodies. If you feel shitty, you look shitty and the opposite applies as well. lets try to support one another and make each other feel better before we decide to cheat on these pathetic males who obviously do not understand us or anything. Lets do this because we do not want to get stuck in a predicament where we loose our children and some other skirt is raising them because we made bad choice and made it worse by not talking about what was wrong first. Know the divorce laws before you make a terrible mistake. Good luck ladies, my heart is with you. good choices and happiness always.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): I know exactly how you feel. We've been married for 14 years and we've had out ups and downs like everybody else. The last few years though i too have thought of cheating because he has lost his sex drive he is 42 Im 43 i think it may be a medical problem but he refuses to see a dr but he makes me feel so unloved he wont even cudde with me every time i try to get close he accueses me of wanting sex.But sometimes i just want a little human warmth.I dont see myself cheating but one never knows..what would happen if the situation arose what i would do.i try to talk to him and the first thing out od his mouth is do you want a divorce.No i dont want a divorce i love him with all my heart but sometimes what he gives me isnt enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): I completely understand your situation. My husband and I were just married in May 2007, but we've been together for three years. I'm not saying that things were great for us in the beginning, but for the past year and a half, my husband and I have grown apart emotionally and physically. He never wanted to have sex and there was no affection or romance in our relationship. He tells me I have a fairy tale view of love because I want someone to hold my hand, embrace me warmly, kiss me passionately, and look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me. I feel very unloved and lonely in my relationship. I did talk to him about it, but everytime we did he would say he was putting an effort into it (which he never was). I'm not claiming to be perfect, but it was more him than myself. Needless to say, things have been getting worse and they reached a head about a month ago. I started working out, eating right, and having a more positive self image, which led to attention from the opposite sex. At first I resisted temptation, but I eventually caved in. Now, I'm sure there are those out there that wish to judge others and voice your disdain for infidelity, but remember, "judge not lest ye be judged." I don't feel sorry for what I did, and I don't think I ever will. I did, however, tell my husband the truth about my affair, and understandably, he was very upset and hurt. We are trying marriage counseling, but we have made little progress. This is due to the fact that I have gotten to the point where I'm sick of begging to be loved by someone who made a promise under God to love, honor, and cherish me. (Before you judge me, read the the last few sentences please.) If you feel like cheating, then you and your husband should seek help before it leads to that point. If you try counseling and you still feel yourself wanting to cheat, then the marriage is probably over, so please get out before you make the mistake of infidelity. It would save everyone from more heartache than there alredy is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): You're 24 years old, a wife and a mother. Maybe it's time you started thinking like an adult.
In your post, all you do is complain about how you feel and what you're not getting from your husband. Waaa waaa waaa, poor me!!!
Have you even considered what your husband is going through?
He's just become a father and he probably feels stressed and maybe even stuck in the role of having to provide. You say you've put on weight. It's a safe bet that right after the birth of your child, you didn't want sex and, since you say you're now losing weight, you had probably put on weight. Now, your husband should be sensitive and understanding about this, but many guys aren't - especially when it's their first kid. From his perspective, you're the one who kept pushing him away, put on a bunch of weight and now he's stuck with the responsibility of taking care of a child with a woman who wasn't even interested in sex.
If you're thinking of cheating on your husband and he's not telling you that he loves you, it's probably because the both of you failed to realize how much having this child would affect your relationship. There are stages in a relationship and adapting to the birth of the first child is a big one. A lot of marriages fall apart at that time because both partners are ignorant of what to expect.
The bad news is you've done your relationship a lot of damage already by pretending nothing would change, expecting things that couldn't be delivered, and then blaming each other for your problems.
The good news is that you can turn things around. By realizing what each of you is going through and showing a bit of understanding and having a bit of fun together, you can rekindle your relationship with your husband and have an even deeper, more intimate relationship than you had before your child was born. And, yes, the sex can get even better too.
But grow up, both of you. You're a married couple now and you've got a kid. Face the challenges together and adapt.
Cheating is the lazy way out and it'll be destructive for the both of you and your child. And besides, you'll likely repeat the same mistakes you made in this relationship in the next one unless you learn from your mistakes and clean up your act.
If you've got a spiritual belief and spiritual director, this is the time to draw on that strength. Seeing a marriage counselor would probably be a good idea too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): i feel the same way , i was married for 7 years i have no childern. my husband does everything, he pays the rent even pays for college education. everyone i know tells me how lucky i am to have him, but i find my self looking at other guys and feel that i am no longer love my husband.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): If you're thinking about cheating then the relationship is already over. You're not connected emotionally or physically to your partner and cheating will only make things worse. Having been with a partner for FOUR long years, the last two much the same as yours i was tempted to cheat but realised that this would ultimately mean that i was in the wrong in the relationship and quite frankly i wondered why i should be the bitch when it was his fault so i ended it. I only wish i'd done it two years before.
I don't want this to look like i want you to give up on your relationship but you have to ask yourself what cheating is going to bring you: a bit of excitement, possibly great sex and the thrill of hiding but at the end of it all you will still go home to the same person and still fell unloved by him which no amount of cheating is going to make this go away.It will, just make you feel worse and no person should feel that way just because they feel unloved.
He's in the wrong, this shouldn't lead to you doing something that puts you in the wrong. If you have to walk away from the relationship, do it with your head held high
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): My advice to you is this:Don't put more negativity into the situation by cheating on him. If you feel so unloved, maybe the best thing for you both is to split up. I bet you could find someone to give you what you need!
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female
reader, aprilannemona  +, writes (30 August 2007):
Talk to your husband. Try to find out what happened, what went wrong, and how did you end up like this. You have to communicate, to talk about all your problems even if it's very hard.Tell him how you feel and ask him what he thinks.Try to see if he opens up to you in any way. Do not push things if it doesn't work from the first time.And whatever you do,don't argue, and don't act as a victim. Let him see that you are sure of yourself. Believe in yourself.Don't underestimate your attractiveness, don't judge yourself.You want a change in your life. BE THE FIRST TO MAKE A CHANGE.Change your clothes, change your perfume, change your hairstyle, change your lifestyle, and first of all change the way you see yourself.You must start from within.Try to see things from a different perspective.If you believe in yourself you will succeed.No matter what.And whatever you do DON'T CHEAT FOR THE SAKE OF CHEATING. This will not make you fell strong. On the contrary.Let him see a strong, beautiful and CONFIDENT woman. This will be a challenge to him. Your confidence will change the way he looks at you, and his opinion about you.Whatever that might be. And if things do not work in time,if he doesn't change, find someone else, dont waste you life. Find a man who will love you the way you deserve to be loved and be happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): Talk to your husband. Try to find out what happened, what went wrong, and how did you end up like this. You have to communicate, to talk about all your problems even if it's very hard.Tell him how you feel and ask him what he thinks.Try to see if he opens up to you in any way. Do not push things if it doesn't work from the first time.And whatever you do,don't argue, and don't act as a victim. Let him see that you are sure of yourself. Believe in yourself.Don't underestimate your attractiveness, don't judge yourself.You want a change in your life. BE THE FIRST TO MAKE A CHANGE.Change your clothes, change your perfume, change your hairstyle, change your lifestyle, and first of all change the way you see yourself.You must start from within.Try to see things from a different perspective.If you believe in yourself you will succeed.No matter what.And whatever you do DON'T CHEAT FOR THE SAKE OF CHEATING. This will not make you fell strong. On the contrary.Let him see a strong, beautiful and CONFIDENT woman. This will be a challenge to him. Your confidence will change the way he looks at you, and his opinion about you.Whatever that might be. And if things do not work in time,if he doesn't change, find someone else, dont waste you life. Find a man who will love you the way you deserve to be loved and be happy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): Take the advice from a hurting but very much understanding man. DON'T cheat on him!!!!!! Let him go or at the very least give him a kick in the ass and tell him if he doesn't pull his weight he will lose big time. Be honest with him! I just broke up with my 44 year old partner who I worshiped and gave my all to, financially, emotionally, physically, affectionately and sexually. But she cheated on me repeatedly with a dirty old man because he had more money! He is 68 years old and a thug! But he was her ex (so I thought) and he took her on free cruises and holidays etc. I just couldn't compete with that even though I treated her like a queen every second of our time together.So please don't cheat on him. It hurts way too much. Just be honest with him and up front. Better to confront than live in hell or worse - live with the deception. That's the worst part!Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): I think im in the same boat and I wonder...will things change...will they work out...or am i gonna pretend it's all okay forever and let him do his own thing while i shrivel....
I hope things work out for you...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): Take a deep breath and talk about everything. Where you are now, what you expected out of this contract of marriage and why you want to be with him. Don't cry! Believe in yourself, you deserve to be recognised for the fantastic person you are!
Now I am divorced after 30+ yrs.If we had talked more maybe he would not have gone elsewhere at a weak moment in the marriage that opened a chasm that could never be repaired.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): Hi K
I am in the same boat, but a lot older (39) and with two kids. It is depressing especially if you husband was like mine at the start - a real knight in shining armour. I don't have an answer for you other than I have found my best friend in my oldest son. The hubby is great he cooks, cleans and gets up to the baby everynight, but that's not what I need - Like you I need a companion, a team mate - not a slave.
I did cheat with a friend and it did not feel any better (let alone good) at all. All I cn say to now is don't cheat, because it doesn't help. Your husband wont want you any more than he does at the moment (if you dont tell him) and even less if you do.
I lost my friend, I lost my self respect. And things at home are just the same - no love, no romance, no us.
I have found that counselling doesn't work either.
All I can offer is "nothing can change unless we change ourselves." Try to be the person he first met and maybe he will come around. It is the girls that have to be strong in the relationship. Boys attract us by being the strong ones, but it truly is us that make the life.
Please hang in there K for you, your husband and your beautiful child. Cheating is only more heartache especially for an honest person like yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): Not all men jump at sex...some actually do value what it means. If they think they are fulfilling you because you feel so low, it doesn't make him or you feel great. I suspect you have post-natal depression. All I wanted was lots of hugs, kisses and nice comments. As for these men eyeing you up unfortunately people sometimes think that marriages go down hill after a baby comes on the scene. I guess that some people can see the lack of affection between you two as well in public so the guys are trying to hit on you because they think you are easy prey. They know your probably feeling stuck, not having sex as much and stressed out about a family. I am telling you will feel just terrible the day after or even while it is happening if you cheat. Tell your husband how low you are feeling, organise a reliable baby-sitter and start going out on date nights. Tell him you really want to re-connect with him and have some alone time. He will start to see that you are feeling more positive and that you have an optimistic view of your relationship with him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2007): Stop looking towards others for happiness! If only people were whole in theirselves, then the mistake of meeting someone to complete a need would never happen and nobody would arrive at a situation of feeling unloved.
We all 'should' learn by our mistakes, yet seem to try to make the best of what we have.
If you made a cake and it went wrong, you wouldn't hesitate to throw it away! So why feel compelled to keep a relationship other than emotional need.
With time, we all grow up to the idea of what we really want from life and through experience we become capable of choosing.
Do not 'keep adding' to the first mistake by having an affair, that's just destructive. Instead, choose to be you and no matter what the consequencies, restart your life now as an entire person, be that single or in a relationship.
Love is not words, cuddles or sex. Words, cuddles and sex are a highlight of love.
Love the person you are with for what they are, just choose the right person you can live with! In other words, know the other person before you commit yourself to a long term relationship and share your life rather than giving it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): I feel unloved two i been with my bf almost two years, he virtually ignores my needs and desires.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2006): i know exactly how u feel. i have been with my husband since i was 16 and we split up a few years ago. i was seeing someone else but because of his work commitments we couldnt be together. he moved away and my husband and i are back together. we are trying to make it work for the kids but i know it wont. i do love him but not the way i use to. he is cold and goes to bed and ignores me, leaves for work and never says goodbye. ive been so lonely.anyway the other guy is back for 4 weeks and wants to see me. i want to see him so much its all i think about. i look at my husband and i know he is not a bad person, he says he is tired thats all but i know the spark has gone. i know if i see this guy it will do my head in, but i dont know if ill be able to stop myself. im already thinking of a plan t meet him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): Dec 2004, Wondering what happened? I was in a similar situation to you....feeling unappreciated, unloved etc and fully realized it when someone else paid attention. That someone else turned into a 3 year affair that I recently broke off. It was on again off again because I struggled....3rd party said he was in love, but would not leave his relationship....he was stable with the triangle, I was not and felt guilt constantly. Finally, I was able to leave 3rd party and guess what, I am still where you started, cheating doesn't help resolve the relationship. Most therapist/advice columns say to stay married or work on the relationship. Maybe, it wasn't the right relationship to begin with. We all want it to work and want the ideal life, but sometimes it is not meant to be. I think living the wrong life for most, is less scary than bravely being lonely in hopes of one day in this long life, getting it right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2006): I have been with my boyfriend now, for almost 5 years. He and I now have a 5 month old baby girl-who I adore! He is helpful with everything to do with baby. He doesn't sleep with me in the same bed. He sleeps in the living room.I sleep in the bedroom,and crib is in there too! But he is always wanting to do fun things for himself,computer games are the only thing he ever does.Whe I try and get some sex,he doesn't want it.He only wants everything on his terms.Selfish!!Lazy...uh I am so mad,just venting!!He is a very caring nice guy,but I sometimes feel like cheating.There is a guy down the hall in my building who has started to talk to me,and he is totally hitting on me,when i have a smoke.I cannot stop thinking about it,should I or shouldn't I,and then the baby pops in my head.I want my cake and eat it too!-I guess!!!Just soooooo confused!!!I know deep down I am a good person,but my loins ache,and I feel almost feverish for a new romance. Mine feels stale.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): My Husband treats me the same way. It won't matter how much weight you lose or how great you look or how many men think you are sexy and desirable, because he won't want you again. I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 4 and we have a 3yrold son. Pre-pregnancy I was a model after pregnancy I developed a hypothyroid disorder that made it almost immpossible to lose weight. I stayed at about size 14 for 19 months.My husband refused to have sex with me for most of my pregnancy and wouldn't even think of touching me for over 6 months after the birth of our son. Currently I am 5'10, waist length reddish,brown curly hair and a size6-8 and the brat still doesn't want me.
I even tried meetting with a man I met online to make him jealous but he didn't care. We are in counsiling, but I really think we ar eheaded to a divorce.
Good luck with your man, but coming from experience, don't expect unconditional love from a man. They don't know the meaning of the word.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2005): If you've asked the question, you know the answer!
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A reader, Total Meltdown, writes (5 January 2005): Wow! Great 1st answer. I understand where you are coming from. (You can read my story I just submitted Jan. 5th) I feel the same way in my relationship. I hope you listen to the first answer you got to your dilema. I know even though it wasn't directed to me, it helped me in my situation. It's good advice from a wise person. Best wishes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2004): I am also married and sometimes feel the same way you do. I've actually thought that somewhere down the road it could happen. The first thing you have to ask yourself is...Do YOU love him? Because if you do, you will not only hurt him, but you'll also hurt yourself. Forget for one second about his flaws and think about the good things. The things that made you marry him. Do you really think it's worth risking that??? Another thing you can do is talk to him. And I mean really talk to him with your heart. You can even go to a counselor which can help ease the tension in your conversation with him. If after all is said and done you still feel he doesn't love you, then maybe it's time to move on and find someone he does make you happy. But, please don't ever see infidelity as an option. Best wishes !!!
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