A
female
age
51-59,
*avannam
writes:Here is my story. When my husband and I first met, it was not love at first sight for me, but it was for him. Since getting married he has had a lot of insecurities that I had tried to get past, but as the years flourished it was getting a lot harder. When we were going through problems with getting pregnant, he was on the other end of the spectrum and had issues with me. I do not blame him for those at all but he was really getting scared and wanted to get out. He finally said something and i did what I needed to do to help myself. We have been through a lot. we did have kids and then another issue struck. He was laid off and got depressed, laid off again, more depression and issues hurt him in his extended family to the point that it took 4 years of him to lay in bed and do NOTHING while I raised two little girls and did nothing but enable him. I finally said enough is enough, now that we are financially starting over and I had to claw my way to get a job for the past 2 years because he was Afraid I would leave him, telling me he did not trust me and telling me he would kill himself if I left him. He felt like a loser and that all I would do is leave him but not want to change our situation. I finally got a job with no support from him. I finally just said to him that there is no other choice, one of us needs to work to raise the girls and our relationship went from respecting eachother to mother and son.When I started working I realized how much I was unhappy at home, I hated the fact that everytime I would show him a paycheck he would just look at me in disgust and tell me I could have done better. It was so frustrating. I would come home, nothing would be done, he would be complaining about everything saying he is looking for work and just doing nothing but on his computer. When I would want some quiet time he would yell at me and criticize me for not wanting to spend time with him and that all I do is come home, play with the girls and then just do my own thing. I finally had it, I told him that I was not in love with him anymore - I still loved him, but not in love. He flipped out started counseling which has been great but just wants everything to be fine. I told him that I did not know how I was feeling but that I could not guarantee we would still be together in the future, I want to take things a day at a time. I feel bad because it is me wanting to leave the marriage, and we do have things at stake but my biggest issue is that I want to be happy. I feel like I could be better off if it just be me and my kids, and I did not have to worry about him, or his health - just mine and my kids. He is my friend, he will always be my friend, I just do not feel the same way anymore, I am not sure if I ever will. I am going to try to give it a chance and there is no one else - We got married young, I was 23 right out of college, I never got the chance to be on my own, I know it would be really hard, but I feel like I need to move on or move forward with my life. Is it wrong of me to do this? Am I being selfish? He was being selfish for SO LONG, and I finally had enough, I know he is scared I am too but I know I need to find myself again, and then see where things will be for us in the future. I know I would always help him and support him and be friends with him, he is the father of my children, is it wrong that I just want to be friends? That i just want us to be okay with the fact that maybe the marriage is not something for us but that we can still deal with eachother in platonic fashion knowing that we will always have a relationship until we die?
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female
reader, savannam +, writes (12 February 2009):
savannam is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, Yes it is hard to be feeling this way I can not even stand the fact that I feel this way. By all means my husband is not a bad guy, I could do SO MUCH WORSE and though he really truly is a good friend and I want to be there for him, I am just not sure if it is fair to him or to me if I stay with him as his wife being that I just do not feel that way about him at all. I know that I did in the past, but it has been gone for so long now that I do not even know what to do with myself.
Ultimately, I want to separate for awhile and see how I do, I guess I feel that I would just be fine if I were alone, but I do not want to hurt him and I know that he wants me to be a wife, I just do not think I could fulfill that for him and that is not fair for either one of us. It is really bad of me I feel but I know that at the same time, i do need to give him a chance to see where he is with himself. It will be a much longer road for him than for me with his counseling because he has needed it even before we got married....and I think that is where I have enabled him to the point of where he has this LOVE for me when it may not really be a very healthy love.
It is complicated but at the same time it can be simple really. I just have to get my stuff together and figure where it is I want to be, I know in my heart I want to be alone and care for myself and my children and that is about where I am at, thinking about his feelings is so low on my priority right now. I am glad that he is aware of it though and that makes me feel better overall, I am not cheating I am not sneaking around, I am just finding myself and being me. We will see how things go but if anyone is interested in talking with me I would love to hear it. My dad said Group therapy is a good thing but I do not know anyone who feels the same way as I do. So I would enjoy the back and forth via email if anyone is interested.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): I am sooo glad that there is someone else out there that is going through the exact same thing as me! I feel traped because all I ever wanted was to be a great mother and wife, but im not in love with my husband anymore. As soon as he gets a job I think Im going to tell him I need to be alone for a while to think about things. Keep us posted on what you decide!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): One key word in your story, Enable. I've done the same thing. We've got some false guilt going on, and need to stop it. We are Not their mother and it's Good you've taken a step back. I would stay back there a good long time until you see him 'growing up' as the other poster said. These kind of men like to blame everyone else for their problems instead of facing them. Don't give in when you KNOW he can/should handle a situation on his own. It's not showing love when you Enable his dependence on you. Show love other ways, when you want to.I used to 'holding my breath' when he Was doing something right...I know I should encourage/thank him more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): You can't make yourself love someone. If you feel there is no chance he can redeem himself, move on. But if you still love him, and want to give him another chance, move out. You need to separate yourself from him, so it's "sink or swim" for him. He'll either man up, and learn his lesson, or fail, and you move on.
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