| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: This question is a little hairy and deals with this girl that I have liked for awhile. I had a long distance girlfriend and this other girl and I (call her Anna) started to become close but not really tell anyone about it. She didn't either. Soon, I broke it off with my girlfriend for her. Everything was going smoothly for 2 weeks or so until it got to where we were almost dating. We got into a few fights and then she tells me she just wants to be friends and everything not to ruin our friendship and how she thought it was moving too fast. She then admits to me that she has been burned before and how she is basically afraid of serious relationships and how she is afraid to be hurt again. A group of us hung out the night before and I just treated her like we were friends and did not really pay a whole lot of attention to her, like I usually do and then she tells me she needs to talk to me about something in a text message when I got home. So, the next night We talk and she tells me something to the effect of she did not mean that she did not like me or anything like that and she still did. Then she said she wanted to be friends but still liked me and just did not want it to go back to the way things were. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND what this all means. She says she wants to be friends but still likes me and wants to see how it goes but does not want to be together. What does this mean?!?! Does she just like the attention? Does she not trust me after her previous relationships and is afraid to get dropped again? What do I do?!?! I even asked her what she expected since we used to talk every night on the phone and stuff like that? Do I call her? Not call her? Treat like a friend? More than a friend? Any ideas are welcome! HELP!
View related questions:
long distance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 November 2005):
 This is pretty cut and dried, when you think about it: you got to know each other, you got close to dating, she backed away, she said she wanted to just be friends.
Answer: she doesn't want to be your girlfriend right now.
All the babbled addenda and sub-clauses and late-night texts about "seeing where it goes" and "being friends" and still liking you etc, are intended to assuage her feelings of guilt for breaking things off with you. But this woman is just not ready for anyone right now. Not you. Not anyone.
Of course she likes the attention (who wouldn't?), but it's plain as day that she's keeping you at arm's length because she doesn't want a relationship right now.
The whole "let's just be friends" song and dance is intended to keep from hurting your feelings. It you want a direct translation, it means "I don't want to be in a relationship with you, but it's not because you're revolting; it's because my feelings are too fragile. I don't want you to be angry about this."
As to what you do at this stage, what you do is the same thing you would do if you startled a deer in the woods, because this girl is as hesitant as any wild animal. You stop whatever you're doing and back away slowly. Unless (to continue the metaphor) you want to chase her away.
Try to see this situation in the cold light of day. It's nothing to be upset about. It's not about her misleading you or taking advantage of the attention you've given her. What it *is* about is, you started to get closer, but she's not ready to date you. She doesn't want a relationship. That's not a personal insult or anything, because there a millions of women in the world that you'd feel that way about, too, right?
So, for now, put your thoughts about dating her and getting romantic with her on hold. She's not interested. Go out with other women and give this one a chance to decide what she wants. Don't pin your hopes on her, because she might never be ready to date you. Be friendly, but try to avoid intimacy with her (replying to late-night texts is one thing I'd give a big miss to), because you're only setting yourself up for a disappointment.
Give her space and lots of it. Maybe... MAYBE... a few months or years down the track you might be ready for each other. Keep it in the back of your mind though, that when she *might* be ready for you, you might have found someone else.
|
