A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I got into a relationship with an older married woman, her relationship with her husband deteriorated and they are now divorced. We lived together at my flat for 6 months to help our relationship grow, then we decided to move to her marital home.. Her ex had moved out and her mother and son were still living in the house. We get on really well and I get on with her son and daughter, and mother fine and as we have an age difference I try not to act a step parent to the kids, but am happy to lend them advice when they need it. The problem I have is with her ex husband. As he didn't have many friends (they hardly went out when married), and because he see's her mother as a friend, he often comes round the house. Sometimes this can be two or three times a day and even parks his car outside when he's on call as he's no parking where he lives. I don't begrudge him coming round to see the kids (as they are his) and he has a relationship with her mother, but of late since he moved closer to the house he's round all the time. The part of the house that we live in is slightly separate from his son's room and her mother's, so we did get some privacy, but now he's started coming into our part, playing with the dogs calling them his dogs. Enquiring more and more about what my partner is doing. As the split was very difficult and he wasn't very nice to her thing's have got better between them, but there has been more phone calls between them regarding there son, but also a lot more interaction. We were having a chat the other day in the lounge and her ex came to see his son and the next minute she's off the couch and chatting to him. I know she still feels guilty for leaving him and him being on his own, and also that she loves me and she has intergrated with my family with no problems, but I do feel at times especially recently that his increasing presence around the house and increased contact between them that I'm being pushed out of a family that is not mine....... What boads for the future will the old flame reignite between them. It's starting to cause arguements between us with no solution in sight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2007): your question was very interesting to me as i am in very similar situation.one clue about all these visits hes making to the home is the fact that earlier you said they hardly ever went out.my fellas setup with his ex is the same they hardly went out and he hasnt got any friends.i think they find it comforting to think they can come and go as they please.does he at least show any respect by phoning?Does he turn up whenever he feels like it? Most people would find that overpowering from their own family and friends let alone this being your partners ex. Sounds like hes stamping his authority over the place.she may be scared to rock the boat.My fella does the same and turns up at his ex's(they have a 12yr old child). This parking the car outside too what a liberty. Sounds like hes saying i may not be there in spirit but heres a constant reminder. Ask your women how shed feel if it were reversed?whilst its nice to be accomodating its taking liberties by going this far. What next? Ive lost my home i need to stay a few weeks? Deal with it now,youve been understanding enough.
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (22 March 2007):
 Hello there
I think this is a very sticky situation for everyone involved and unfortunately the ex factor is very strong in this one. I think what you need to do is talk to your lover about what is going on and how its killing u inside. You are feeling insecure because subconsciously you maybe feeling guilty for helping out breaking-up their marriage but if its any consolation she chose you and she is with you not him, it doesn’t matter how often he visits his children they are his and you cant limit his visits, the only thing you can do is to put some boundaries in the communication he is having with your girlfriend and you can only do that by speaking to her not him as you will appear insecure and jealous. Another option is to move back to that flat so that you don’t have to see him when he visits her mother. Learn to accept that this fellow will always be part of your household as long as you are staying with his kids, find a way to sort this out very maturely before it ruin your relationship.
Jovial
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