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female
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*iche
writes: I have discovered that my boyfriend of two years whom I have recently moved in, with looks at porn on the net, which I understand lots of guys probably do. Also that he has been looking for jobs in Singapore on the net. Why would he be hiding this from me? We have just bought a house together with a mortgage etc.. I feel upset and betrayed, it feels like he is making me jealous which is unlike me! He is not really affectionate towards me(but never shows his emotions like this), although he tells me he loves me... I feel like he is hiding something. I don't know how to approach him now because he will think I have been checking up on him! Please help. I really love him with my whole heart, is it a trust issue with myself.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2005): Have you tried talking to him? If he can't give you some straight answers, then you may have to rethink this arrangement. Communication, love and trust are three very important aspects of a loving relationship. He's told you he loves you, but you can't trust him nor are you both communicating. Therein lies the problem.
In any relationship, you have to be aware of what energy you are investing, and what you are getting back in return.
Relationships are give-give. By the sound of it, this guy is not giving you anything definite. So there's your answer and you are not ignoring it-you are too painfully aware and you are feeling lost and insecure in this relationship. You should not allow anyone (him especially) to depress you, shake your confidence, or be in charge of how you feel. If you are truly secure, nothing can change that. It is not your boyfriend who will make you more secure. Only you are in charge of you. No one can make you lose your trust! We each allow people to hurt us. We are responsible and in charge of what we create for ourselves. He is free, as a soul, to say and do whatever he wants. You are free in turn, to decide how not to let that hurt you and to walk away from it. This how we mature-by learning from our experiences.
So before you make any decision about where this relationship is going, best to talk to him about his porn habits(which he likely has always had, long before he moved in) about the jobs in Singpaore (he could just be curious) about his unaffectionate ways (did you not experience this with before he moved in?). Get some clear answers and make your decision, afterwards. Judging from you letter, you are unhappy and need some honest, open feedback from him. Never be afraid to insist on that. good luck to you both.
Hugs,
Irish
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