A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HI people. I need advice. I accidentally found a message from my girlfriend that a guy sent her asking "what she would like him to do ;)".setting aside the winky face, this could have been innocent or harmless flirting,so I waited to see if she deleted the text or replied. once i realised it was deleted I asked her about it and she suddenly had no recollection of this message. when i told her i'd seen it she said "oh he fancies me" and "so what he's sent me a few flirty texts, he likes my bun". so i probed further and asked what she'd said. She sidetracked the question until eventually saying that she "of course I replied, i would have been implolite not to" and didnt really tell me anything about what she said. when i probed her further she admited that it was flirty but it meant nothing and was funny because of who it was. "it;s X it's not like them so it was funny, we both knew nothing would happen!" they've know each other for a long time (about 5 years as friends of friends/same course at uni etc). I have a programme on my pc ive used to recover stuff ive deleted in error in th past and i asked her to let me use this so i could read the messages and she wouldnt let me. I picked up her phone of the side in a bit of a tantrum (wrong i know) and locked myself in my office as i ran the software. She proceeded to tell me that she was really unhappy and had been for months saying that she would call the police if i never let her in and to come out and talk to her face. Essentially anything that would stop me running this program. eventually i opened the door and she turned my pc off before i could finish running the software and i asked her about the messages. she said that they were flirty messages and she sent them because it cheered her up since we had been so miserable since i found out she cheated last year. she agreed to let me pull up the messages and run the program stressing that she knew we'd break up when i'd read them. i recovered 3 messages, the two latter ones were her asking what she would like him to do to her and her saying she "would like him to slide her hand up her inside thy, pull her underwear to one side and then it was up to him"ok. so this is obviously super unacceptable and i asked her why she did it. i was furious and snapped her phone in half... unlike me! she said that they both knew there was nothing to it, she didnt actually want him to do that and had no intention of anything physical ever happeneing, that it was just a bit of fun that gave her something to laugh about. she said that there is nothing sinister in it because of who the guy is (a guy she works with who is in a happy long term (5 years +) relationship) and that even though she thinks i am over reacting, she wont do it again.normally this would be the end of it as id say to give someone the benefit of the doubt. ive seen conversations she doesnt know where they have both said that it was just a bit of flirting and apologized for letting it get so out of hand. however, (she has cheated on me once in the past (about a year ago) with a guy that she nearly left me with at a point when we were pretty much dead in the water anyway (all contact has been cut with him). i only found out about this a few months ago and have been in a complete nightmare since, i have put her down so i can understand why she would be looking for some flatery. so what do i do?thank god i caught as it was crossed the line and wait and see if it happens again or walk? quite clearly it was really insensitive at best at worst it was her cheating and trying to gauge interest and line up someone else, or in most likelihood, it was her attention seeking and flirting gone too far. its worth pointing out probably that the guy wrote to me after he knew i found out (i asked him to explain) and was really apologetic. told me the truth about everything,that it lasted about a week and was a handful of escallating messages over that time, he apologized for any lack of respect intended and said it was just sillyness that got out of hand. I do believe that nothing physical would have happened, not only did she not have time (she was home and to work bank on time all week) i have read conversations that confirm this to me e.g she said did you tell him everything and he said yes. (unfortunately I've been snooping a lot to get to the bottom of this... sue me!)she insists that nothing would have happened that eventhough hes attractive she doesnt fancy him that way really and that she is 100% dedicated to me. she has said that if she thought there was a 1% chance shed cheat shed have left me already to prevent putting me though it again, and that if she didnt want to be with me she wouldnt still be here since ive made it really difficult for her. Any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I just point out that i don't have any anger issues what so ever... this phone is the fist thing I've deliberately broken in my life! I've only been this angry twice and it was the first time i found out about cheating and then this time. We have been together 7 years an it has been fantastic until the last 6 months or so. I have never been insecure or possessive nor want to go through her things before the first instance of cheating and even that was because i knew she was hiding something. This time I wasn't looking. we have poor phone signal in our house and her phone literally went off while it was on the side and i noticed when i picked up her phone to check the time in the morning as i had to be up for work. there was no snooping until this. I think my wording was poor. Its not that I have been giving her a hard time or punishing her, I've just been sad and miserable and depressing to be around. I haven't been abusive or anything. I have however said told her on a few occasions that it's her fault that I'm so depressed etc. I agree she is flirtatious, I was aware of this the entire time we've been together but it's never crossed the line as this did. As advised we had a chat tonight and she said that the messages just made her laugh and that's why she did it. she agrees it was selfish but stresses that there wasn't any thing sexual. it was a handul of messages over the period of a week so its not like htey were sitting there like a couple of teenagers. The source of the problem is the amount i worked a year ago. she was studying and that was a fortune, so i was working every hour of the day (often in my office) and making little time for her (financially i couldn't afford to!) this is where the original cheating came from, it was her best friend (and obviously fancied her) for many years and naturally he seemed like he cared about her since he was always the shoulder to cry on etc. i understand why this happened and i accept my responsibility in that. my concern is that everytime she seems down with me she looks for attention elsewhere. that's what I'm most concerned about. She promised that she will talk to me if she feels like this in the future and i have told her that if she feels like it again to either tell me, or slap me in the face if i don't respond, or leave me if she moves to looking for attention elswhere.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 May 2015):
 You think this is a case of WHO is the "most wrong"? It's not.
What she did was questionable and for many a total deal-breaker - you don't "talk" about a guy running his fingers up your thigh for giggles and grins. IT IS a form of cheating. It might SEEM harmless to her (but if it was SO harmless she wouldn't have deleted the messages). While she did NOT physically cheat with the guy, she did cheat EMOTIONALLY.
YOU, on the other hand VIOLATED her privacy, YOU broke HER property, and you have been "putting" her down lately... (as you put it).
YOU somehow think if you can CONTROL HER and who/how she texts others you can PREVENT her from cheating (AGAIN) - but you can't.
You somehow think by going through her phone (even used a 3rd party recovery software) that you CAN control her actions and choices... YOU CAN'T.
YOU are with someone who CHEATED on you before, who CHEATED on you again, all the while calling it HARMLESS flirting fun.
And you... have turned into a controlling, snooping monster of a BF.
You both acted really badly and what you are left with is two people who CAN NOT trust each other. You can't trust that she won't find another dude to play "fun flirting with" and SHE certainly can't trust you to really forgive her and RESPECT her privacy. You will continue to snoop think you will CATCH her or prevent further crap, but all you really do... is make yourself into some crazed snoopaholic.
If you INTEND on stay with this girl, you two need to sit down and RESOLVE the issue that LED her to cheating (a year ago) and this emotionally cheating. YOU two need to set some CLEAR boundaries for what is OK and what is NOT OK.
I bet you... she would NOT be OK to you having the conversation she had with this guy, with another woman. And YOU would NOT be OK with the constant snooping and distrust.
YOU two really need to find a way to rebuild the trust, or you might as well toss in the towel now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): You're jealous and insecure and have a volatile temper.
She's flirtatious and conniving and knows exactly which buttons to push to get a rise out of you.
You have two choices:
1) Continue down this same path with the understanding that it is very likely that the cycle of dysfunction will escalate to the point where instead of venting your rage on inanimate objects such as her phone you will become violent towards her.
2) Walk away from a mutually dysfunctional, toxic, potentially destructive relationship and seek counseling to understand the root causes of your behavior so you can avoid falling into the same trap again.
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