A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have had to face a lot of difficulties but now finally things are working out and he has said we must get married. We lived together in our second year, then he had to transfer back up country, where he was originally from for work, after which we were long distance. I could not find work there, he couldn't find anything back here. His parents ex wife and kids live in that same city. Then his dad died and he had to move in with his mom for a year. When she was ok his ex divorced her second husband and had him looking after kids in the week while she sorted herself out, and coming over at a moments notice to help with the kids but then also having to do repairs at the house.. His work suffered, he was almost dismissed and he earnings decreased. I had to send him money to keep afloat. Anyway, now it all seems to have settled down, he is back on track at work and the kids are older. So he says now we can get married. When he had to leave 3 years ago I was devstated and cried for hours and could hardly function. It was almost like a break up. After about 1 year I was better. We only saw each other on average once every six weeks or so with all that went on. Now that things are coming together I feel as if I am sure that I want to any more and I don't know if I should tell him this, or if I am misunderstanding my feelings and we have just moved beyond the "in love" phase to a more settled phase which happens in every relationship. (I would still have to find work there but he says he can support me for a few months if necessary.) I am not sure of my feelings, I care about him and if he needed me I would help with whatever I could, but now I'm not sure about marriage. I am not seeing or looking for anyone else, I seem to have settled onto a life on my own.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 February 2014):
 If you two were to marry would that mean YOU quitting your job and moving up there to be fully dependent on him? If so, I agree it's not ideal - AT ALL. He says he would support you.. for a few months and then what?
You have learned to be independent from him (seeing each other every 6 weeks in nice and all but it really doesn't make for a good healthy relationship, does it?)
You have been LD for 3 years. Which means you both have grown - I would really think long and hard if you two have grown in the right direction, and I wouldn't quit my job unless I knew I had another job waiting for me.
So IF I were you, I would look for jobs up there (but not quitting your current one) and I wouldn't move until you had one. After that I would give the relationship a FULL year of living together before deciding on marriage. I mean what is the hurry?
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